When people are scary even though they're not

It has been a bit of a mixed day, it started with an early wake up and remembering I hadn’t put the rubbish out last night so quick dash in pyjamas before back to bed.  The post brought a thick envelope from psychology services - this was not a simple appointment letter. Actually no appointment at all, just a hope for one in a couple of months – and a thick wad of a questionnaire to fill in. What are my difficulties, how affect life, my childhood, relationships, friendships, employment and education histories.  Quite intense but after years of ministry training with annual self reflection forms I coped well enough and spent the morning filling it up. An achievement.

It does make me stop and think about how this episode of depression varies from others before. This afternoon I forced myself to make a visit at the community hospital, it was overdue and as I was already out on errands and virtually passing it I couldn’t find an excuse to put it off. It sounds awful, I do care and that is why I feel guilty about it all – not visiting, not wanting to be there, and afterwards feel small and petty as my reasons for avoiding visits seem flimsy compared to their needs.

This social anxiety has been part of my shadows for years but it seems to be topping the bill in this episode. I don’t have any definite thoughts of things that I am afraid of happening, just a general angst, emotion without conscious thought.  It is as if my unconscious mind knows my conscious thinking part is too clued up to recognising the twisted thoughts as irrational and the voice of depression not reality and avoids that tactic. So I get the feelings without thoughts.

But if you read up anything about social anxiety it seems an odd thing to have when I can stand up every week and lead public worship and preach. Just the sort of thing that makes people nervous even without any anxiety issues.  I can do that, but social chit-chat, one to ones, coffee morning chatter, all that feels beyond me.  I suppose a major difference is control, knowing the conversation topic and feeling more confident because of that.

So social stuff has always been draining, but at the moment it feels beyond me, and a major part of the current depression.  Bit of a challenge in a people based job!