First of all - 'Happy Centiposting to me, happy centiposting to me.....' Yep I have reached 100 blog posts!
Today I had a stall on Ludlow Market - Manse Crafts going fully public, beyond the safe church fairs. It was a dry day, not a common thing at the moment, and although I covered my costs it was not really the market for craft items so not the most efficient use of time and resources. But a useful lesson to learn and I did cover costs.
However a conversation with a fellow trader - meant for my learning and important because they were right and I am better off for the knowledge - pressed some old old buttons. Stupid Helen. Useless Helen. Failure Helen.
I was a good girl and reacted appropriately at the time and in all visible ways - but inside I have spent the rest of the day fighting against the inner buttons that have been firing at full power. I had thought that I had grown beyond those undermining weaknesses and felt doubly useless to find they still had such power over my emotions.
I am still feeling that low and frustration but trying to hold it in context - it is normal to feel put in one's place and some of those emotions, it is just that because I have had years of over-reaction that I see all reaction as pathological when some off it is actually just normal life.
And then I need to remember that only a few years ago I would have been unable to have stand behind a stall and banter with passers by. So on this centennial blog post I do have positive progress to report - pity that my inbuilt bias wants to dwell on the gunk, but I guess that is par for the course for a depressive.
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Thursday 29 November 2012
Tuesday 27 November 2012
I'm back!!
It has been a while I last blogged, it has been a tiring time, the builders have been in (taking away rotting bits of house before they fell apart themselves), the nights have drawn in and I have been just about keeping my head above water enough to get a few emotional breaths.
But this week the builders finish, today my investment project arrived (more later) and I have had a really good weekend in terms of work. Last friday I met with my new little support group and had a chance to discuss aspects of the job, and of my own guilts etc. All of which have helped lift my mood and the world feels more manageable again.
The Investment Project - last week I was getting some of my fused glass ready for the Art Festival at one of my churches this weekend, I knew I needed to get time booked at the studio to do the repeat pieces I was commissioned for when the 2nd church member saw the piece someone else had bagged. I idlely wondered how much and how far away the dream of having my own kiln would be - and several googles later it had gone from £1500 to £800 as I found one that was big enough to do all sorts of exciting things but cheap enough to run off a regular plug, and with £100 off, but limited stock.
But this week the builders finish, today my investment project arrived (more later) and I have had a really good weekend in terms of work. Last friday I met with my new little support group and had a chance to discuss aspects of the job, and of my own guilts etc. All of which have helped lift my mood and the world feels more manageable again.
The Investment Project - last week I was getting some of my fused glass ready for the Art Festival at one of my churches this weekend, I knew I needed to get time booked at the studio to do the repeat pieces I was commissioned for when the 2nd church member saw the piece someone else had bagged. I idlely wondered how much and how far away the dream of having my own kiln would be - and several googles later it had gone from £1500 to £800 as I found one that was big enough to do all sorts of exciting things but cheap enough to run off a regular plug, and with £100 off, but limited stock.
A few days of shall I shan't I - not actually having £800 - and with the offer to delay my car repayments to the Bank of Mum & Dad for a bit, I took the plunge.
With the microwave kiln, materials and tools - including now the 'real' kiln Manse Crafts has had an investment of getting on for £1500. I may need to take a bigger cost cut when selling for church funds in the future - at least til I pay this off. But it is something that gives me pleasure, enables me to be creative and fully me, and for now I feel that I am worth it. I don't have to be the perfect minister who has done all the things I should have in order to 'earn' my down time treats - even if I need reminding of that sometimes, ok lots of times!!
Anyway - I'm back! I'm positive, and I have a shiny new toy to play with, and once the builders finish I may even manage to bring some order to this place, between cardboard boxes and bits of wood....
Saturday 10 November 2012
All Change (or not)
It has been a busy week or so for job changing and decisions. The Americans decided who would be president for the next 4 years, the new Archbishop of Canterbury was announced (and pre-announced, and pre- pre-announced!) and across Britian Methodist churches and ministers awaiting the decision of the stationing group.
Ministers have 5 year appointments and in the last year decisions are made about where they will serve next. It is possible to extend their stay, but if they are moving this is the week when they and the churches get paired up.
Many friends having been waiting for the news about where they will be from next Sept, and families too. What must it be like to hold people's lives in your hand like that? Yet every job interview is like that too, and so many other things we do affect others, maybe not as obviously or dramatically but still significantly.
The words we say, they way we react to people, shapes them. I can see that looking back at my life and you may be able to too. It means it is a huge responsibility, and yet what a power we have to affirm, encourage and strengthen others.
And as for the big decisions, well maybe the Coptic (Egyptian) Church have a point - last week they appointed a new leader by putting the shortlist of three names into a pot and had a blindfolded child make the final pick - trusting God in that process.
Ministers have 5 year appointments and in the last year decisions are made about where they will serve next. It is possible to extend their stay, but if they are moving this is the week when they and the churches get paired up.
Many friends having been waiting for the news about where they will be from next Sept, and families too. What must it be like to hold people's lives in your hand like that? Yet every job interview is like that too, and so many other things we do affect others, maybe not as obviously or dramatically but still significantly.
The words we say, they way we react to people, shapes them. I can see that looking back at my life and you may be able to too. It means it is a huge responsibility, and yet what a power we have to affirm, encourage and strengthen others.
And as for the big decisions, well maybe the Coptic (Egyptian) Church have a point - last week they appointed a new leader by putting the shortlist of three names into a pot and had a blindfolded child make the final pick - trusting God in that process.
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