It has been a good day, a very full and busy day, but productive, useful and generally positive - then I got home. The answerphone was beeping, and the message that played back was from someone important and that they didn't like how I had gone about something. I had to phone back and duely got my verbal slap on the wrist for a slight misdemeanor. Something that probably happens to someone somewhere every day, maybe every hour every day. But it made me cry.
I was tense and defensive just hearing the message, and it was worse when I called back. The other person had a valid point, no big deal but that I should be aware next time etc.. The incident was tiny, microscopic, on the richter scale of life I was so glad to be on the phone not face to face. I can try and hide it in my voice but I can't stop the tears from falling and totally breaking up.
And then came the comment that it was a symptom of a general attitude issue I have and am 'getting a reputation for' and regardless of whether the person hadn't intended it that way it made me a wreck.
Realistically - yes they had a point, and it was worth making. Mostly I am so angry with myself for reacting so violently to justifiable criticism. I like to think I am so much better in myself, and in so many ways I am, but if you prick me do I not bleed? And like a flood!
In reality is it that I am not really any better at responding to criticism but merely better at avoiding situations where I am in the wrong or risk being in the wrong. I still react as if the world will end because I have been told off. It is worse when I know it is a valid point, it triggers all my 'being useless', 'being a failure', 'about to be cast out into outer darkness' vulnerability. We covered this in therapy - my deep seated instinctive fear that if I am not perfect then I am worthless. Have I really not moved on? Am I so easily crushed by the suggestion that I could have dealt with something better?
My brain recognises that it is something that should be shugged off and chalked up to experience, but my reaction is from somewhere deep, deep within and beyond the contro;l of my rational self.
Am I always going to be like this? Will the child inside ever feel healed and safe?
Heartfelt prayers, Helen; and an assurance that you will not "always ... be like this".
ReplyDeleteMay the Gentle Spirit gather up your pain, and continue to mould you.
God bless you.
Simon
Unfortunately it seems to go with the territory of being a sensitive soul, which I am too. You are brave to share this. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks
ReplyDeleteA friend on the phone has reminded me that moments like this are so much less frequent than it used to be a few years ago when I could hardly hold things together.
It is strange to think that it is so recent in my mind and memory and yet it is 4-5 yrs ago that I hit the ground. It is a long time and yet a blink of the eye.
It has taken me a long, long, time to learn to deal with criticism and I'm still not very good at it! I imagine that I am holding the comments at arms length, and just look at them from a distance while I decide on my response. Of course someone may well be yattering on and on about my shortcomings, and I do listen, but I avoid reacting beyond mere politeness until I have had time to think.
ReplyDeleteOn reflection they may well be right.... or not!