Why does the fear of facing something generally make it many times worse than it actually is?
So we put off the apparently scary and spend hours agonising over the guilt of the not done, when doing it takes so much less time and stress.
I have faced the overdue visits this week, and after a tough day when the guilt was overwhelming things have improved. I have confronted my fears and visited all the priority folk.
The fear really amounts to the expectation of some form of rejection for past failure. And given how much I can punish myself, someone else confirming that failure does feel as if it could tip the balance.
But in reality other people don't judge me as much as I judge myself. And if I can fight my insecurity and fears enough to prove it I may find the real them and the real me get a chance to show themselves.
At the village coffee morning on Thursday - when I forced myself there instead of the rolling over in bed finding an excuse not to face people - I found that they offered me pastoral care, I was welcomed, had been missed, and was quickly back in the heart of the community. Today I was welcomed into a home where health had worsened dramatically over my summer of neglect and greeted as if I had been there the week before.
It is frustratring to find that my insecurities can get in the way of me doing what I should - and guilt that I let them. On the other hand it can be liberating to know that the hurdles are all within me and therefore I have it within me (with God's help) to challenge them and change.
So for this week I toast the victories - over inertia and fear - and dare to believe in future successes.
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