Why I only almost called to see you today...

Ok, so I need to confess what I am putting off until tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow...

Is it depression or just part of the range of 'normal' I don't know, but once I have failed to do something I find it so much harder to go back and begin again.

Pastoral visits are part of that.  It has been a busy summer, I went off to ordination, came back to some serious issues and people that needed support in that moment. The routine visits have drifted and although I know why, and that I only have so much to offer, I still feel guilty. And I have no excuses to offer for the fact I haven't been to see you for so long, well none that I can share to explain.

All the more reason to catch up with visits now, or as soon as I can, but it is such a huge thing to step back over the threshold.  There is a kernel of shame and embarrassment that I - and as a representative of the church as well - have let you down, and the next time I meet you face to face I have to confront all those emotions. 

And that can feel too big to face, and so tomorrow, and tomorrow and tomorrow...

I know it is not rational, I know that you will probably be simply glad to see me, and graciously accepting that I have a busy life (though I will know I could have called last week if I had the courage to face my guilt, and that just adds another layer).

And if I feel this way about visiting you, how many feel this way about visiting God again after so long away?