I seem to be ploughing the same furrows at the moment, the temptation and guilt of ‘tomorrow’, facing up to tasks... Well today started with yet another failure to get going followed by a lot of phone calls to try and sort out some important stuff – which should have been done earlier.
I finally got determined enough to say that there was time to do some of the visits I had hoped to bite the bullet and do. I should I suppose being looking that as a positive thing – not using the excuse that most of the day was already written off and I have a meeting to prepare for in the evening. Instead I came back feeling worse than ever, heart aching with the reminder of why they and everyone else didn’t deserve to be sidelined.
This job is full of things that won’t get done, the difference is whether you are confident that you have done the best you could or not. And right now I don’t feel I have given my best, I think of the times when I let time seep away, when I let my inertia stop me calling in for half an hour with someone, or even just a brief phone call.
Yet I have days when I just don’t have any social energy, days when even making a phone call seems beyond me (I am a lot better than I used to be but still have a dose of phone phobia at the best of time). Or am I just using my depression as an excuse? Would I say that if it was my body more than my spirit, if it was regular migraines or sickness? And yet I know plenty of people who work despite aching arms and legs.
At what stage do you going from fighting to carry on despite the pain and deciding you need to crawl into bed and rest? And when the illness affects your decision making and motivation how can you tell which is right?
And so tonight I feel that I have let people down, and wonder if I am up to it all. Or is that just the Depression Dog barking and creating havoc?
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