Identity and dis-ease - part 1

Been a while since I last wrote - my mind being on some unbloggable matters in the meantime.  Now then where was I? 

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I often get what others consider to be odd trains of thought – although to me they are fascinating insights to life!  One of these that came when I was learning Welsh has been particularly relevant to my recent thoughts.

The grammatical construction in Welsh for certain illnesses is ‘there is a cold on me’.  It struck me as feeling less permanent than ‘I have a cold’ in English merely something that is on me but we can brush off again. Yes it is just grammar not a mindset, your car is ‘with you’ rather than something you ‘have’, but it set off a pattern of thought about how we think about illnesses.

Those thoughts are being chewed over again now. There can be 3 types of health issues we face –

1. Accidents – breaks, tears, etc  things that have happened to us and often can be fixed with a bit of time, the broken leg, the bruising.
2.  Illnesses that come ‘on us’ – they are not part of us, but something we fight to get rid of, to remove from our bodies and lives.
3.  Dis-ease that is part of us – plumbed or wired in they are somehow integral to us, we live with them as a permanent thing, maybe all our life or the rest of our life.

The tree has embraced the fence as part of  itself...

Okay there may be other types, but my point is that for 1 and 2, even when the situation is incredibly serious, to the extent of life threatening, it is a situation that is to be fixed, challenged and fought.  When it is a part of who you are like 3 then it is a more complicated relationship – what does that mean to who I am?

This experience includes a wide range of situations from those whose lives revolve around the dis-ease or impairment to people who are impacted in a much lesser way. It covers what is very obvious to onlookers and things unseen.

How do I reconcile that that which is at the same time a problem to be addressed, managed, treated etc is at the same time part of me, to the extent that it has shaped and formed who I am, my personality, relationships and view of the world? 

I hope to reflect on all this in future blogs around my sense of self in relation to depression and possible bipolar aspects to my personality.  

In the psychiatrist's chair

So what would it be like, at the mental health centre, for an appointment with a psychiatrist?  Well standard NHS waiting room and then into a room with a desk for her to use writing notes and a few chairs.

It shows the stigma that mental health has in that in every physical medical speciality being referred to the specialist, a consultant and their team, is seen as a positive step forward in getting advanced focussed treatment. A referral to Ear Nose & Throat, or to the Oncologist or....   but try saying in general conversation that you are off to the Psychiatry Dept.   I have tried to be open about mental health in my life and did tell friends I was due to see a psychiatrist - but then found myself referring just to a hospital appt, or that GP had sent me to a specialist.

I was counting down and hopeful - since the autumn and before my referral I came across information on Bipolar 2 where the highs are not as high but the rest is much the same as Bipolar 1. The definition was a close fit and explained various points in my life, including at college before my grand crash down.  I have been on a peer support web forum and listening to others to see if it still felt a fit, it would explain why the anti-depressants have not had the level of effect hoped for over these years.

Ready for the day, with notes of my history of depressed times over the years, a mood diary from Jan 1st with the chart numbers put on a pretty graph, and hopeful.  It has been a long hard winter of depression, I would have gone to the GP to plead for something else, or a change in dose or... but no point when the psych appt on the doorstep - they will be able to offer something, a new approach, new hope.....

And?

A sensible, take it slowly, possibly bipolar stuff going on, too soon for labels, you are coping with life so no meds yet, carry on as before - come back in 6 weeks with more mood diary.  Disappointed.  Although, whether placebo effect of hope anticipated or the pendulum due to swing, I had headed up in mood a day or so before and that is still with me - so will cope for six weeks. Now where did I put that diary and mood chart?

Gabi writes....

Hi Gabi here,

Just borrowing the laptop whilst she is hiding under the duvet, again.  She has been doing a lot of that lately - I don't think she likes outdoors much this time of year and it is very hard to get her out for a walk in the rain.

I try not to be too much bother, and I don't nag all the time, but I do remind her its dinner time, and she has done cooking with lots of pans a couple of times, though often its just waiting for the ping beep box.

And it may take until nearly dark some days but I do get her out for a walk - I just keep going back and questioning with my head on one side and an encouraging look in my eyes, wagging my tail to show it would be fun.

I know a walk does her good because when we get back she usually stays out of bed doing things for a while, even all evening sometimes. But she doesn't smile, only the fake ones when she hugs me and scratches behind my ears - pretending its all okay.

I do miss my happy miss, hope she's back soon.

Bye for now,

Gabi

Growing up

It has been good to meet up with various friends recently.  We have had a lot to catch up on, but end up looking back at the times when we lived in the same place - and whether that was 5 or 15 years ago it is a reminder how much time passes when you are not looking.

My friends seem to have grown up, dealing with teenagers, settling down, having families and that is just those around my age.  They all seem so grown up and responsible whilst I am having duvet days and not managing to feed myself properly without reminders on my phone. I don't feel very grown up a lot of the time.  And yet if I were to look at my life from the outside I would think differently - I have a role as a church minister, and even if I say so myself I have done more than tread water in that role.  I may do that around my duvet times, and too often relying on winging things than hours of deep study, but what is needed gets done.  The other week someone even called me an inspiration!

Home alone you don't notice time passing as much as when there are children around growing through clothes and school years. After a fairly peripatetic life from 18 until I landed here I got used to dating events by where I was living at the time - it must have been in 2006 that X happened because I was in North Wales then....

The years that I have been here in one place and one role all merge together in my appalling memory, so I have not really noticed how much time has passed. But soon it will be time to go through the process to prepare to move on. I am also looking back at patterns of my depressions and other moods since the Big Crash at minister training college and even before - I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in a few weeks in a search for something that will tackle the resistant lows.

It all reminds me that I am in my 5th yr here and am 6 and half yrs since the Crash - and whether fully grown up or not I have certainly done a lot of growing in that time.

Now where's that passport?

Actually I will be due a new one, didn't bother to renew it when it ran out a couple of years ago - not until I knew I would need it, and now I do.  I will be spending the summer in North Carolina in the US of A!

I had thought about applying to the Methodist exchange programme a year or so ago, then shelved the idea when I adopted Gabi - no way would I put her in kennels for 6 weeks when the last time she was in them she was being sent away for good from her last home.  But back in Sept the plan bounced back, and I realised there were other options for dogcare, and so I got the permissions and applied to swap my home and churches with those of a Methodist minister elsewhere.  Then it all went quiet... until this week when I heard about my match.

So for the summer I will be temporary minister to  2 churches on the edge of the town of Asheville at the foot of the Blue Ridge Mountains in Western North Carolina, its a hard gig but someone has to do it eh?  Meanwhile their minister and his wife will live here and look after my 6 little chapels - not too tough a gig for him either in this beautiful corner of Britain.

Reeves Chapel, Ashville NC

It is good to have something new and interesting to focus on as the winter blues are bad this year and I am having a lot of duvet time.  But in other news I have had the letter from my referral so Monday morning I will ring them and get an appointment date, I'm ready for new ideas having worn out the GPs options.

For now, the rain has paused so time for Gabi and I to head out for a bit.

New Year resolution - first big decision of 2014

I didn't intend to make any new year resolutions, but then I had to face a decision - and the resolution has come from that.  Three years ago I began a research degree, part-time and at a distance, to look at depression and faith.  Some said I shouldn't and couldn't, I felt and I could and I should.

I still feel the subject is vitally important, and that academically respected voices and findings have a valuable clout.  I also know and have had others confirm that I have the intellectual potential to wrestle with this.  But my depression has been less stable than I imagined and whether from that or the meds that keep it in check my concentration span and energy is simply not up to it, even when I set aside chunks of dedicated time.

So I have decided to withdraw.


Time to shelve the books for a bit


And the resolution?  

That 2014 be the year when I learn to say 'no' to my stubborn pride that doesn't like the idea of losing face or have others say 'we were right'.  Not that either of these is guaranteed except in my own mind.

I  have been helped in this by people in the ecommunity  managed by BPUK (Bipolar UK) - whether or not I have bipolar elements in my depression the people there have shown me that you don't have to stick with the things you decided when you were feeling up and able to conquer the world, and being able to walk away is a sign of strength.

After all the only place where 'I've started so I'll finish' is a rule is on Mastermind, not in real life.

Behind the masks...

This week I have been in various groups where I have heard of the struggles in people's lives.  This reflection is a response to that.
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I stood in the crowds rushing around the shops, I felt like my life was falling apart, the world had drastically changed, so how could everyone wander round as normal?

Then a messenger stopped and stood by my side, she began to point people out –

She is grateful for the winter, no-one questions the long sleeves that cover the bruises, and the bruises of the mind are invisible – but he is always apologetic…..

The man stopping to chat to everyone with a cheery smile is on his only trip out of the week, at home he cares for his mother who needs help 24/7 and in confusion doesn’t know him and gets frightened and angry.

That young woman is picking her way through the crowd carefully, she is terrified of talking to anyone – she feels she is barely holding her mind together, and feels overwhelmed by the most basic of things.

The messenger got quicker –

His every step is agony of pain; she is worried sick about her son; she dreads Christmas since her husband died, and the children live so far away; he lost his job in the cuts this year and the mortgage is behind; and so it went on.

The messenger turned to me and said, ‘This is the normal each one wanders around with, just as you do, and each one looks at the others in awe of how normal they all are and feeling they are alone in the crowd carrying their weight’

I wept seeing the pain hiding under every normal face and action, and for my own pain too.

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