I can handle being minister of little churches in rural
communities, I like the fact that I can be a significant fish in a limited
sized pond. (I remember that image being used for the speech as we left primary
school – that we were going from being the big fish in a small pond to be the
small fish in a bigger pond). That is
not meant in a pride or power way, but it does open doors of opportunity and a
chance to engage even though I am not really a big fish.
Sometimes when I meet with other ministers in different
situations, overseeing big church sites with major social projects and
employees, I feel inferior. I am so far from the ability to handle and be what
they need to be, and yet technically we are considered the same. We receive the
same stipend, and at this time of year when a proportion of the Methodist
ministers in Britain await the proposed matches from stationing (our sending
process linking those due to move with circuits/churches with vacancies) I am
aware ministers are essentially considered equal in the process, although as
individuals.
Next year it could be me in the stationing merry go round –
what if I were asked to do the sort of role some of my colleagues face in those
big churches, and community projects? I
couldn't do it, and so when I hear about their experiences and issues I feel a
failure as a minister because I couldn't do what would be asked of me in their
place. In my head I know that is the voice of insecurity and the aggressive voice
of depression – but the emotions are the same even though I know all that.
I am left feeling that I have an
easy life with my group of churches, not that rural ministry and mission is a doddle,
but compared to colleagues with many more churches, or the big scary project
churches, it feels me-sized. It is just
that me-sized feels inadequate. I am
sure that they wouldn't ask me to do and be what I can’t – and not even due for
a shuffle yet – but still feel inferior compared to others.
This was typed yesterday, today a chat with a friend also in
the job, and also prone to the ‘useless’ voices from depression reminded both
of us that we fit where we are. Doesn't
fully quash the doubts but makes them manageable.
