Counting spoons ...

Today I have been in bed – all day, though did manage to surface for food hunt in the kitchen. It’s the chronic fatigue after a busy few days getting up at regular commuting worker times and concentrating for long periods of time whereas normally I rise later and take breaks, though will work late into the evening/night.

On my glass course there were just a few of us and we chatted a lot, I was introduced to the idea of Spoon theory – it is a close metaphoric cousin to my usual image of the energy budget. You only have so much available, and when fatigued each action costs more – or takes an extra spoon.

With the budget image I can explain the overdraft effect – that I can spend against the credit of the following day, but like overdrafts it comes with a cost. No energy the next day and it feels like I have to pay back with interest.

Today I am paying back my energy debt from last week's course, but it was worth it.  My body may be fatigued but I am feeling really well mentally, lifted and renewed. Even lying here all day not able to do anything expect catch up on iplayer in a half listening way I have not feel the frustration or self reproach that is usual when I have to cancel something in the diary. Instead I have felt peace, tired peace, but peace!

So I definitely think it was worth it – and even worth the effects of fatigue.

Me, myself and I

Last week was particularly hectic both physically and emotionally so reaching the pause button today It has all ganged up on me. I still have the poster I used to have up at my desk in the office job several versions of me ago 'I try to take one day at a tine but several have attacked me at once'.  Pretty well sums up today most of which was spent in bed with tired body and tired brain.  Mostly that is my chronic fatigue reminding me that I need rest, but it does things emotionally too - as does a few glasses of wine after a stressful week. On one hand it relaxes me to sleep but also have a depressive effect of its own.

Today my limbs have been leaden and brain cotton wool. It was due to be a study day so only one thing on the agenda and I knew they could cope without me - didn't fancy my reactions speed on the road. But as night draws in I feel the loneliness. Part of that is reality - being home alone when feeling poorly sucks, and this job can feel lonely too; but part of it is the depression whispering. But what ever the cause it is real for the time it lasts, and if that time is when friends are busy at work it isn't great.

But I hold onto what I always hold onto - 'This too shall pass' maybe by morning, maybe not for a week, or even longer, but it will pass.  I regularly drive across a high common with views into the valley where I live. Sometimes on that upper road you can see the mist and fog settled in the valley, down there I can't see my hand in front of my face, up here I see that the sun still shines.  So I remember that in the valley - out there beyond this temporary fog the sun still shines.

And now I lay myself to sleep
I pray O Lord my soul to keep
Whatever I face when I awake
Guide me through for your name's sake

Weary

Blogs are like buses - two come together!

Today I am admitting my wobbles over the past couple of weeks. I live with the shadow of chronic fatigue as well as depression. Generally I do well on activity levels, as long as I also rest a lot. Lately though I have got more and more fatigued. Despite a few days off I am still needed rest as much as possible through the day. Today I am up and dressed but other days I have dealt with emails, and planned sermons whilst still in bed. And yet I am still awake at 1am - not a good sign.

But then there is the depression - it has not come on me heavily but the 2 conditions feed off each other and I can feel the greyness and wonder how much of the inertia is depression and how much is fatigue. Sometimes it feels very clear which is which - the difference between when my body wants to but can't and when it can but doesn't want to.

I can do quite a few tasks when in this mixture of fidgety mind and weary body - but not the ones that have been piling up on the intray since this patch started.  I have studies to do as part of my role as a probationer minister, I have chosen the subject, and I am positive about getting it done, yet can't get my mind around the actual work.

Do I need to face it down with stubborness? Today I have spent in the room with my books and notes and started to think, but then had brain flop and now feel more frustated than if I had tried - I guess before I could pretend it was just tiredness, but now I know that it is the depressive kind of brain fog.

I am also finding people hard work - not good in a job that is about people! And I have been glad when people haven't been in when I called on them. The social energy is just not there at the moment, not for one to one, or if I need to lead the conversation.

Depression isn't just about those acute days, or the big breakdowns, it can be the invisible lead weight in the midst of otherwise normal life, where it looks fine to others and things are done, but they don't know how much more it cost you. The same goes for those living with constant pain or other invisible 'limps' in life.

And that's all for now, need to rest before a meeting tonight.