Guilty as charged

I have a guilt problem, it attacks me in lots of ways. Today it bit hard at the end of my assessment meeting with the clinical psychologist. She arranged for a follow up next week to discuss options for support and treatment, but was very open that whatever is decided there would be a waiting list of 3 months at least. She noted that churches often have resources that would enable me to access support sooner.

I know about that, a confidential access to counselling for church ministers, the minister pays part and the Methodist church pays the rest, but without knowing who it is for.  So why have I not gone down that road?  I feel very self conscious that when I crashed at college the church paid to hold me in college for longer and for the weekly counselling I had then – I don’t want to be more of a burden and would feel guilty about taking more. But on the other hand I also feel guilty at clogging the queue in an overstretched NHS service.

The end result of this double guilt effect that her question had unwittingly highlighted was driving home with a feeling that I shouldn’t bother either system and that if I can just get my own act together, well I don’t really need....  Which all essentially equals ‘I’m not worth anyone bothering to invest all that stuff on’ – which is what she had drawn out of our conversation anyway... 

So there you have it – guilty as charged.