To work or not to work - a complicated question

A fellow minister elsewhere in the country has written about her experience of returning to work after depression and the challenge of 'Are you better now?' greetings

Sally's Journey

That is part of the package of having time 'on the sick' when you are in a community role, it is noticed when you are not upfront as expected on Sunday - and so lots of sincere but unhelpful greetings as Sally explains.

Edit to add link - other thoughts on those tricky how are you conversations from Suddenly Bipolar

This is a funny type of role being a church minister, lots of things we do is out of sight then the rest is the opposite - right up where they can all see.  It makes work or not when unwell a complicated question.  A day under the duvet with the snuffles can be made up if things just need to be done, and some times of the year are more hectic than others which have more breathing spaces.

I have been crashed low since the start of November, to the very bottom - I have had weeks of officially being in work but doing the minimum for what has to be now and has to be me;  now I have a few weeks officially on a sick note - but the psychiatrist thinks good for me to be doing bits of work.

So from in work but barely; to off work but dabbling - it may look similar but the difference is that now I have no pressure of deadlines or fixed times to pull it out of the hat and fronting up to the world on a day I'm a mess.  On the other hand it is 'out there', public knowledge, so cue reactions as my colleague Sally discussed in her blog.

It is a tricky choice at times - to be officially in work or officially not - but I am grateful to be in a role that allows me the flexibility within either.   For many people mental illness and work is much more complicated - push on till collapse under the weight, then returning afterwards can be hard to gently edge back in.  Not to mention the stigma about the cause of the absence.

All reasons to challenge the stigma, educate that it isn't a sudden fix if back in action, but that will have to wait for one of those getting up days, and gently does it.

Wobbly ministry - a 6 year reflection

The Methodist Church is good at making new verbs, when I was a candidate for ordained ministry I was candidating. Now when planning to move to a new appointment, or station, I am in the stationing process.   It has been quite involving and between finding my way through the process and dealing with med changes and autumn's annual accounts and paperwork, it is only as my next move is settled that I have the space to reflect on it.

Last week I visited the place I will go to as minister from next Sept - it was a long tiring day, in the midst of a very depressed week when I wasn't feeling up to being basically human let alone a minister, someone with a role and responsibilities. So it is not surprising that I struggled with the idea of picturing myself living and working there. But beyond those emotions is a really good match, and a circuit of churches where there will be support.  I was advised by powers that be not to discuss issues of my mental health, not on the first visit, but for me that was crucial - to be honest with them and to know that it didn't freak them out.  They were really positive and keen to have me - and I have confirmed my acceptance of the match.

However in talking with friends about my feelings around the visit and stationing generally I was pointed back over the past years to last time I was on the move.  6 years ago I was in ministry training and retained in college following my breakdown. In the autumn it was decided that I wouldn't just be late to start at my allocated post, but withdrawn from it fully.  I had good reason to doubt that I would ever get to follow my calling to ministry, and months of psychotherapy and remaining in college with no idea what the future held were to follow.

I am grateful that the Methodist Church invested in me during that year when I had no sense of self or future.  And when the following September I came to live here as a student minister, it all seemed overwhelming. And now, despite still dealing with depression or possibly bipolar depression, despite my wobbly ministry, I am a minister and used to that identity and role, a minister with a track record, and people who appreciate what I am and do.

On my watch a church has solar panels, and a refurb'ed hall; another had its defunct small pipe organ sold after listing on ebay; and I have been alongside people in all sorts of situations and struggles in life. What seemed impossible in some of those darkest days, and what I still have times of doubt over, has actually been my life all these years.

So as I consider the next step and find my way through the nerves of moving on - I can look back at a massive journey that came from putting one foot in front of the other day by day, sometimes with energy and vibe, sometimes stumbling from sheer force of will to survive. But all those steps added up.

Meds: 'can't live with them, can't live without them'

Medication is like that saying about men 'can't live with them, can't live without them'.  At the start of Sept I began a new meds plan - and have surfaced in late Oct barely aware of many of the days inbetween.  My mood was doing ok with the quetiapine increase but that may have been because I was too spaced out to feel anything much - 'you'll adjust the sedation will wear off'.  Expect that it was time to start the Mirtazipine which also knocked me out of it.

Intended as an antidepressant, my first week on M left me over active and driven in the short gaps between dopeyness, so I got stroppy and said I had had enough of being so sedated that I was about as useful as a chocolate teapot more days than not.  And worried the M was a problem that was the one agreed to ditch.

I was not going to became a lark against my wiring but it is wonderful to wake up and actually feel awake - even if I still want a lie in and to put off the paperwork.

End result is that I am facing the winter blues kicking in without anti-depressant support until my next appointment, but as I think what I was on the last year and a bit had no benefit to me then I am in the same situation as last year, and somehow survived that. The other result from my stroppyness is that my next appointment has been changed to see the consultant - yes!!  I appreciate the need for juniors in a specialism to learn but 3 in 4 appts and each with different views does not give continuity of care.

So maybe by this side of Christmas we may have an informed plan to see me through the winter.
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Oops found this left in drafts...