The Methodist Church is good at making new verbs, when I was a candidate for ordained ministry I was candidating. Now when planning to move to a new appointment, or station, I am in the stationing process. It has been quite involving and between finding my way through the process and dealing with med changes and autumn's annual accounts and paperwork, it is only as my next move is settled that I have the space to reflect on it.
Last week I visited the place I will go to as minister from next Sept - it was a long tiring day, in the midst of a very depressed week when I wasn't feeling up to being basically human let alone a minister, someone with a role and responsibilities. So it is not surprising that I struggled with the idea of picturing myself living and working there. But beyond those emotions is a really good match, and a circuit of churches where there will be support. I was advised by powers that be not to discuss issues of my mental health, not on the first visit, but for me that was crucial - to be honest with them and to know that it didn't freak them out. They were really positive and keen to have me - and I have confirmed my acceptance of the match.
However in talking with friends about my feelings around the visit and stationing generally I was pointed back over the past years to last time I was on the move. 6 years ago I was in ministry training and retained in college following my breakdown. In the autumn it was decided that I wouldn't just be late to start at my allocated post, but withdrawn from it fully. I had good reason to doubt that I would ever get to follow my calling to ministry, and months of psychotherapy and remaining in college with no idea what the future held were to follow.
I am grateful that the Methodist Church invested in me during that year when I had no sense of self or future. And when the following September I came to live here as a student minister, it all seemed overwhelming. And now, despite still dealing with depression or possibly bipolar depression, despite my wobbly ministry, I am a minister and used to that identity and role, a minister with a track record, and people who appreciate what I am and do.
On my watch a church has solar panels, and a refurb'ed hall; another had its defunct small pipe organ sold after listing on ebay; and I have been alongside people in all sorts of situations and struggles in life. What seemed impossible in some of those darkest days, and what I still have times of doubt over, has actually been my life all these years.
So as I consider the next step and find my way through the nerves of moving on - I can look back at a massive journey that came from putting one foot in front of the other day by day, sometimes with energy and vibe, sometimes stumbling from sheer force of will to survive. But all those steps added up.
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