To work or not to work - a complicated question

A fellow minister elsewhere in the country has written about her experience of returning to work after depression and the challenge of 'Are you better now?' greetings

Sally's Journey

That is part of the package of having time 'on the sick' when you are in a community role, it is noticed when you are not upfront as expected on Sunday - and so lots of sincere but unhelpful greetings as Sally explains.

Edit to add link - other thoughts on those tricky how are you conversations from Suddenly Bipolar

This is a funny type of role being a church minister, lots of things we do is out of sight then the rest is the opposite - right up where they can all see.  It makes work or not when unwell a complicated question.  A day under the duvet with the snuffles can be made up if things just need to be done, and some times of the year are more hectic than others which have more breathing spaces.

I have been crashed low since the start of November, to the very bottom - I have had weeks of officially being in work but doing the minimum for what has to be now and has to be me;  now I have a few weeks officially on a sick note - but the psychiatrist thinks good for me to be doing bits of work.

So from in work but barely; to off work but dabbling - it may look similar but the difference is that now I have no pressure of deadlines or fixed times to pull it out of the hat and fronting up to the world on a day I'm a mess.  On the other hand it is 'out there', public knowledge, so cue reactions as my colleague Sally discussed in her blog.

It is a tricky choice at times - to be officially in work or officially not - but I am grateful to be in a role that allows me the flexibility within either.   For many people mental illness and work is much more complicated - push on till collapse under the weight, then returning afterwards can be hard to gently edge back in.  Not to mention the stigma about the cause of the absence.

All reasons to challenge the stigma, educate that it isn't a sudden fix if back in action, but that will have to wait for one of those getting up days, and gently does it.

Impersonating the organised

Last week I was accused of being organised, which I think just goes to show what a good actor I am – or bluffer at least. I am always chasing my tail which since I don’t have one can be a fruitless exercise! My study looks like an explosion in a paper factory, and in my house only the bathroom I think is free of wandering work. 

 Anyway that accusation has come back to mind as I see friends in the job commenting on their facebook statuses (stati?) about tackling their tax returns – deadline end of January. The tax return we were sent in April and I returned in May. Hmm is that a sign that I am organised then?  And when the chasing emails come for the autumn church paperwork I get to glow in the fact that with a little encouragement (and more) from me my churches were all done on time.

So am I organised? Many years ago when I looked much more organised than my housemate suddenly he came across the truth – ‘You are not organised, you just write everything down’.  Some may say that that is what organisation is, but I know that what my friend saw then is why I can give the impression of being organised about my tax return and October returns.  I know how unorganised I am, and that if I don’t do the big things that I will be trouble for not getting done as soon as possible they will be drowned in the sea of paper and totally forgotten when the real deadline comes.

I deal with it, I write it down, because if I don’t ..... I won’t!  And that is what happens with far too many things, until I get one of my periodic attacks of order. That’s when it is time to go and lie done in a darkened room until it passes...

back in action - a week later!!

Einstein had a theory of relativity - not being a physic fan I don't understand it, however I do know the experience of time being relative. It feels a very long time since Iona although I have only been back just over a week. But then it is September, busy meeting and paperwork season for the Methodist Church.

It was wonderful to be so fully away as I was that week - not even a mobile signal so what was left behind really was left behind. The real give away was when one of the group commented on the Friday how much better I was looking than when we had first arrived. We don't necessarily notice how drained we are until we actually stop.

Though having stopped I found it took a good few days to get back into 'mainland time'. The sea air and Scottish winds did blow out the cobwebs though and when I did wake up to mainland time I was able to think beyond the last problem into looking ahead. Not always a comfortable view but important to be able to see.

Our small rural churches have a challenging year ahead as we review our mission and viability - please think of us, and I ask that all my emotional fragility will not be a burden but a help in the path ahead.

An odd but effective treatment....

Last night I had a good chat with a colleague, she had called to see how I was and that had been the main focus of the call, but then she said she had some things to mention when I was back up and running.  Well you don't tell a worrier that there is something to be raised but not now - our imaginations are always worse than the reality! So I pushed for the info, to find that actually the news of work tensions was a positive to my personal wellbeing.

It sounds counter intuitive but there is a logic behind it, having slept on it. One of the most powerful emotions that overwhelm me when low is that of feeling inadequate, not up to the job, or at its worst even the role of being a grown up human being.  Yet I hold these feelings in tension with a realism from the good days that I know I am more than adequate at the job of being a minister (more confident in that than in being a functioning grown up, though surely that is part of being a minister?)

A conversation about problems and issues that yes I may need to have a part of tidying up but that are not of my making was a reminder that the true comparison is not against the ideal but against equally flawed and vulnerable human beings.  In that comparison I do much better than in the depressive mindset of seeking total perfection.  It is a healthier perspective, and came from talking shop when poorly.

There is an infamous quote, sometimes attributed to Winston Churchill, sometimes not, about being accused of being drunk 'Yes but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly'.  To paraphrase 'Yes I may be useless for a few days but in the morning I will be competent and you will still be....'

Well it worked for me last night anyway, and today I got on with some guilt free occupational therapy. Discovery of a plant on the doorstep delivered yesterday when I was hiding, and other loving caring contacts today add to the step forward.