I felt I ought to follow up from last week's emotional splurge.
I knew at the time how out of perspective my response was but it didn't stop me still being weepy next day - and the post sob headache (or was that the wine?) Cue more feelings of inadequacy when I wimped out of the people stuff I had intended for the day. But big emotional reactions are tiring, they take up a lot of energy reserves.
I had a really positive end of the week with a conversation about a new family and youth friendly approach to church. Then the first 'dare to debate' on end of life choices - and I wasn't alone, it was a small group but an in depth conversation. Throw in Sunday and I have stayed in bed most of today again.
The tiredness eats into my time and, in a world that values productivity and busyness, that makes me self-conscious about not working as I 'should' yet when I look back over the weekend I am reminded that God takes and uses me as I am. But I still manage to feel guilty...
The little child inside that cried last week still fears that I will be considered unable to do this job, as was suggested back in college days in the depth of my breakdown. And despite all the affirmations since then I still have that fear and doubt which feeds moments like last week, and the guilt when my body demands extra rest.
This week my diary is thin in must do's, maybe my challenge is to attempt to rest guilt free - I don't even have a sermon to do as it is my sunday off this week.
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