Earlier this week I was crashing down in the depths, lying in bed weepy and ready to hibernate under the duvet for the duration. I roamed for a bit but it was sheer relief when those I called on were out and I could retreat back without as much guilt as if I had not tried. Although realising I would need to build up the oomph all over again weighed as heavily.
All I could see were my failings and the signs I am not coping. Depression distorts the mind and twists things - the blessings I counted became not positives but things to feel guilty about because I don't deserve them, I can't do the job and not sure I'm any use as a human being.
Irrational - yes
Extreme - yes
True - no
Really how it felt - yes
This too shall pass...
Yesterday I managed to get a few things done, and got distracted by possible developments at one of my churches. Today I led a funeral for one of our church members. The right words had come to me even if it was just before leaving home. I stood there and knew that I was doing all I could for a friend and his family, that it was good, and afterwards people thanked me for what I had said.
And so the yo-yo returns back up the string part way at least. The other image might be the rhyme of the Grand Old Duke of York with his 10 000 men on the hill - when they were up they were up, and when they were down they were down, and when they were only halfway up they were neither up nor down. That's life with depression, up days when things are possible, the deep down are really down. And a lot of time half and half, in the numbness of coping, sort of.
Tonight though the yo-yo is on the way up. And that's enough for now.
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