The biggest critric is inside

Why is it that the one critical comment/person/moment has such intense power - easily outweighing the positives that in my head somewhere I know to be true?

I know why - it is that annoying way it taps into the very things I feel about myself, or fear to be true.

Yesterday I had a full on grumpy day, I had finally on Saturday finished all the AGMs for my various churches. Some had been hard work with tense things to discuss, others had been frustrating and the questions of the future of small congregations will need to be addressed in coming months and years. I was tired yes, physically and emotionally - and the Black Dog came. A friend asks me at times like this what breed it is - a way I guess of making me think about how I am feeling. I replied that it was a large husky - big and strong enough to overpower me but without the aggressive nature of a pit bull or rottweiler day.

Today has been a bank holiday, and the community event I was due to be at was cancelled - so I have just flopped. Emerging from the duvet day to seek food I found I had been 'lettered' a hand delivered missive triggered by yesterday's service where I had replaced the sermon with a powerpoint and conversation about church activities and future. Basically taking the AGM discussion to those who don't turn up but need to be involved.  Maybe it was a good idea, maybe not.

My epistle called it lazy, and a symptom of all my failings as a minister - especially being poor at visiting. The decline of the church since I arrived being attributed to me (I must have been literally killing some of them off and arranging for others to leave the area!) The reality is that like too many churches they have been a demographic timebomb for years - and it has started to go off.

But the accusations of laziness still hit my vulnerable spots. Because it is an accusation I battle with myself. Yesterday between  morning and evening services I had intended (though not booked) to take out some home communions - but I was overwhelmed by my grumpiness and hid under the duvet instead. My rythym of slow starts and late nights suits me but would be frowned upon by others.  And I know that I don't look after the house or even myself very well, and am particularly bad at it at the moment.

Most of the time I can balance this out, but on more fragile days the inner accuser can shout loudly, and a single voice from outside amplifies that and I am very aware of my weak points as a person.

I feel a bit better for 'talking' this out here - stringing together sentences forces me to name and recognise the feelings and so reducing their power. Thanks for 'listening'.