It's my life and I'll cry if I want to....

It has been a good day, a very full and busy day, but productive, useful and generally positive - then I got home. The answerphone was beeping, and the message that played back was from someone important and that they didn't like how I had gone about something.  I had to phone back and duely got my verbal slap on the wrist for a slight misdemeanor.  Something that probably happens to someone somewhere every day, maybe every hour every day.  But it made me cry.

I was tense and defensive just hearing the message, and it was worse when I called back. The other person had a valid point, no big deal but that I should be aware next time etc.. The incident was tiny, microscopic, on the richter scale of life   I was so glad to be on the phone not face to face. I can try and hide it in my voice but I can't stop the tears from falling and totally breaking up.

And then came the comment that it was a symptom of a general attitude issue I have and am 'getting a reputation for' and regardless of whether the person hadn't intended it that way it made me a wreck.

Realistically - yes they had a point, and it was worth making. Mostly I am so angry with myself for reacting so violently to justifiable criticism. I like to think I am so much better in myself, and in so many ways I am, but if you prick me do I not bleed? And like a flood!

In reality is it that I am not really any better at responding to criticism but merely better at avoiding situations where I am in the wrong or risk being in the wrong. I still react as if the world will end because I have been told off. It is worse when I know it is a valid point, it triggers all my 'being useless', 'being a failure', 'about to be cast out into outer darkness' vulnerability.  We covered this in therapy - my deep seated instinctive fear that if I am not perfect then I am worthless.  Have I really not moved on? Am I so easily crushed by the suggestion that I could have dealt with something better?

My brain recognises that it is something that should be shugged off and chalked up to experience, but my reaction is from somewhere deep, deep within and beyond the contro;l of my rational self.

Am I always going to be like this? Will the child inside ever feel healed and safe?

The biggest critric is inside

Why is it that the one critical comment/person/moment has such intense power - easily outweighing the positives that in my head somewhere I know to be true?

I know why - it is that annoying way it taps into the very things I feel about myself, or fear to be true.

Yesterday I had a full on grumpy day, I had finally on Saturday finished all the AGMs for my various churches. Some had been hard work with tense things to discuss, others had been frustrating and the questions of the future of small congregations will need to be addressed in coming months and years. I was tired yes, physically and emotionally - and the Black Dog came. A friend asks me at times like this what breed it is - a way I guess of making me think about how I am feeling. I replied that it was a large husky - big and strong enough to overpower me but without the aggressive nature of a pit bull or rottweiler day.

Today has been a bank holiday, and the community event I was due to be at was cancelled - so I have just flopped. Emerging from the duvet day to seek food I found I had been 'lettered' a hand delivered missive triggered by yesterday's service where I had replaced the sermon with a powerpoint and conversation about church activities and future. Basically taking the AGM discussion to those who don't turn up but need to be involved.  Maybe it was a good idea, maybe not.

My epistle called it lazy, and a symptom of all my failings as a minister - especially being poor at visiting. The decline of the church since I arrived being attributed to me (I must have been literally killing some of them off and arranging for others to leave the area!) The reality is that like too many churches they have been a demographic timebomb for years - and it has started to go off.

But the accusations of laziness still hit my vulnerable spots. Because it is an accusation I battle with myself. Yesterday between  morning and evening services I had intended (though not booked) to take out some home communions - but I was overwhelmed by my grumpiness and hid under the duvet instead. My rythym of slow starts and late nights suits me but would be frowned upon by others.  And I know that I don't look after the house or even myself very well, and am particularly bad at it at the moment.

Most of the time I can balance this out, but on more fragile days the inner accuser can shout loudly, and a single voice from outside amplifies that and I am very aware of my weak points as a person.

I feel a bit better for 'talking' this out here - stringing together sentences forces me to name and recognise the feelings and so reducing their power. Thanks for 'listening'.