My home looks chaotic, I have work scattered around my bedroom because I am attached to my duvet and manage an awful lot of admin from my laptop whilst in pyjamas. I also do my TV watching from up here via web replays. I often don't wash dishes the same day, I have too much of a liking for red wine. In many ways I am an advert in how not to manage life and work, I am an owl not a lark so come home from an evening meeting ready for action if the ideas are flowing - and can be found sending emails after the pumpkin hour*. Just don't expect high functionality in the mornings!
And yet...
I take the rests and personal space I need during the day, I live with my rhythms and somehow it works.
Today I met with others in the job for lunch and mutual support. Often as a newbie I have formal time which is one sided, where I can discuss my joys and stresses. They are important but mutual gatherings are significant in a different way. There I learn that I am not the only one who feels like that, or has faced that situation or something similar.
This week I have felt frustration in meetings and have been aware of the prowling Black Dog around me, but at lunch I seemed the calm one. Sometimes you meet other people who are in situations that make you feel guilty for feeling depressed yourself, this wasn't like that. Today I felt that despite my angst actually I am in a very secure place about how I balance my care and needs.
I did joke that maybe the meds help with that - and I'm sure in many ways that is true, but also because I live with depression and am aware of my vulnerability I think I am quick to take action. I will retreat from pressures if my diary allows, and although I do have the shadows of guilt at that, my need for self-care is something I have worked through.
So whilst my life and home may look chaotic and not a good model for others in many ways my depression has made me healthier through self awareness and self-care. Not getting off the rollercoaster but knowing how to keep myself safe on the ride.
* When Cinderella loses her coach ride home to a vegetable!
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