To work or not to work - a complicated question

A fellow minister elsewhere in the country has written about her experience of returning to work after depression and the challenge of 'Are you better now?' greetings

Sally's Journey

That is part of the package of having time 'on the sick' when you are in a community role, it is noticed when you are not upfront as expected on Sunday - and so lots of sincere but unhelpful greetings as Sally explains.

Edit to add link - other thoughts on those tricky how are you conversations from Suddenly Bipolar

This is a funny type of role being a church minister, lots of things we do is out of sight then the rest is the opposite - right up where they can all see.  It makes work or not when unwell a complicated question.  A day under the duvet with the snuffles can be made up if things just need to be done, and some times of the year are more hectic than others which have more breathing spaces.

I have been crashed low since the start of November, to the very bottom - I have had weeks of officially being in work but doing the minimum for what has to be now and has to be me;  now I have a few weeks officially on a sick note - but the psychiatrist thinks good for me to be doing bits of work.

So from in work but barely; to off work but dabbling - it may look similar but the difference is that now I have no pressure of deadlines or fixed times to pull it out of the hat and fronting up to the world on a day I'm a mess.  On the other hand it is 'out there', public knowledge, so cue reactions as my colleague Sally discussed in her blog.

It is a tricky choice at times - to be officially in work or officially not - but I am grateful to be in a role that allows me the flexibility within either.   For many people mental illness and work is much more complicated - push on till collapse under the weight, then returning afterwards can be hard to gently edge back in.  Not to mention the stigma about the cause of the absence.

All reasons to challenge the stigma, educate that it isn't a sudden fix if back in action, but that will have to wait for one of those getting up days, and gently does it.

Wobbly ministry - a 6 year reflection

The Methodist Church is good at making new verbs, when I was a candidate for ordained ministry I was candidating. Now when planning to move to a new appointment, or station, I am in the stationing process.   It has been quite involving and between finding my way through the process and dealing with med changes and autumn's annual accounts and paperwork, it is only as my next move is settled that I have the space to reflect on it.

Last week I visited the place I will go to as minister from next Sept - it was a long tiring day, in the midst of a very depressed week when I wasn't feeling up to being basically human let alone a minister, someone with a role and responsibilities. So it is not surprising that I struggled with the idea of picturing myself living and working there. But beyond those emotions is a really good match, and a circuit of churches where there will be support.  I was advised by powers that be not to discuss issues of my mental health, not on the first visit, but for me that was crucial - to be honest with them and to know that it didn't freak them out.  They were really positive and keen to have me - and I have confirmed my acceptance of the match.

However in talking with friends about my feelings around the visit and stationing generally I was pointed back over the past years to last time I was on the move.  6 years ago I was in ministry training and retained in college following my breakdown. In the autumn it was decided that I wouldn't just be late to start at my allocated post, but withdrawn from it fully.  I had good reason to doubt that I would ever get to follow my calling to ministry, and months of psychotherapy and remaining in college with no idea what the future held were to follow.

I am grateful that the Methodist Church invested in me during that year when I had no sense of self or future.  And when the following September I came to live here as a student minister, it all seemed overwhelming. And now, despite still dealing with depression or possibly bipolar depression, despite my wobbly ministry, I am a minister and used to that identity and role, a minister with a track record, and people who appreciate what I am and do.

On my watch a church has solar panels, and a refurb'ed hall; another had its defunct small pipe organ sold after listing on ebay; and I have been alongside people in all sorts of situations and struggles in life. What seemed impossible in some of those darkest days, and what I still have times of doubt over, has actually been my life all these years.

So as I consider the next step and find my way through the nerves of moving on - I can look back at a massive journey that came from putting one foot in front of the other day by day, sometimes with energy and vibe, sometimes stumbling from sheer force of will to survive. But all those steps added up.

Meds: 'can't live with them, can't live without them'

Medication is like that saying about men 'can't live with them, can't live without them'.  At the start of Sept I began a new meds plan - and have surfaced in late Oct barely aware of many of the days inbetween.  My mood was doing ok with the quetiapine increase but that may have been because I was too spaced out to feel anything much - 'you'll adjust the sedation will wear off'.  Expect that it was time to start the Mirtazipine which also knocked me out of it.

Intended as an antidepressant, my first week on M left me over active and driven in the short gaps between dopeyness, so I got stroppy and said I had had enough of being so sedated that I was about as useful as a chocolate teapot more days than not.  And worried the M was a problem that was the one agreed to ditch.

I was not going to became a lark against my wiring but it is wonderful to wake up and actually feel awake - even if I still want a lie in and to put off the paperwork.

End result is that I am facing the winter blues kicking in without anti-depressant support until my next appointment, but as I think what I was on the last year and a bit had no benefit to me then I am in the same situation as last year, and somehow survived that. The other result from my stroppyness is that my next appointment has been changed to see the consultant - yes!!  I appreciate the need for juniors in a specialism to learn but 3 in 4 appts and each with different views does not give continuity of care.

So maybe by this side of Christmas we may have an informed plan to see me through the winter.
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Oops found this left in drafts...

Depressed vicars/ministers - we are among you

Meds on all change - one up and one down to out to replace with a shiny new one.

Currently I am either dopey or I'm munchy - at least when both together I don't have the omph to act on the munchies so not as bad for my weight. Grumpy and Sleepy are around too.

Anyway too dopey for own post but this is a very meaningful contribution from RidiculousVicar.

Yes people with no reason get depressed, yes Christians get depressed, even vicars.....
'if you prick us do we not bleed?'

Too good at being bad* ??

I live with major depression. I suffer with competence, or at least being able to do a good impression of it. On the outside I look competent, so yes I make meetings, may even be in fresh clothes, but can take hours to psych up for sending basic email, and if you need a phone call...

I feel needy, or wrong, or just demanding. And if I didn't get your reply to my query I feel even worse about nagging.

But I can't do ill well enough either. I sound too together to the psych team, and if in work then...  But that doesn't quite mean as they may think. Not neat office hours of coping, more spurts along the way.

So a new person to see, the plan from last one shelved, new plan, see you in 3 or 4 months. If it is still you not the next rotation, what will the next one say?

Meanwhile I muddle on, will have a month of staged withdrawal from one of my current meds - that is known to be tough so if cranky a month from now you know why (let alone the nausea etc). Then start on the 2nd drug that increases weight - from the munchies I think, for a month on starter and then up to full - so guard your cakes in Harvest Festival season and beyond

* Bad is Wenglish (South Wales speak) for being 'poorly', as in the clichéd "she's been bad in bed under d'doctor"

Back home. Now where were we?

I had planned lots of deep and insightful blogs from a whole range of my experiences in North Carolina, but day to day plodding and still having ups and down to manage meant I didn't get around to that.

Now I am home, have been for a couple of weeks, and just about getting used to that - suddenly it is September and the season of frantic activity begins again.  End of year accounts for churches are being compiled, new plans being made, team meetings etc.  And this year the planning for ministers moving, including me.

What do we say about the churches and communities I serve as the profiles are put together, where we are, where we would like to be, what skills and gifts will help us on that journey? I put my profile together before I left for America, slept on for 6 weeks and then submitted.

It all concentrates the mind on what ministry is about - what I will be leaving and how someone with different gifts could take things onwards. And what is it that I will take with me to the next appointment next September.

My time in North Carolina was very affirming, I got to know the church folk fairly well with seeing them several times a week, and I left with compliments in my ears and in cards to read again.  Yet I still feel overwhelmed and doubt that I have the abilities and gifts to meet the needs, or even to cope.

This week I have been involved in confirming arrangements for the district synod with workshops around mental health issues - I have been in denial that I am down to lead one of them.  I also had a reminder/update email for a 10 min slot telling the story of one of my churches in a conference on rural churches.  It sounds like I have something to say, to offer - but all it has been has been me muddling through. I have grand ideas but wouldn't know how to cope if they came to be.

I know partly it is normal and partly it is the depression, but I feel so inadequate, and as I face the process of deciding where next, and with a frustrating appointment with (another) new junior psychiatrist leaving me wondering if there will be improvement over the next hill after all, it all feels so hard.   I can do what I did in America, but that was free from all the other expectations, and practicalities.

For now time to walk Gabi - having not had enough time out with her over last couple of days. Feel that I am not even good enough for that. Then get guilty for moaning when others face so much more. Ho hum, well settle for a walk on the common - hoping that Gabi can run free without embarrassing me in front of the other dog walkers with very obedient pets.

Birds of a feather or a menagerie?

I am out of synch as lots of things to blog on  - but this one is fresh.

Today I was taken for a visit to Indian country by a church member and her sister and brother in law - who is a retired Methodist minister here in North Carolina.  The Indian stuff can come later, but we had some chats about Methodist ways and jurisdiction here in America.  I have also been reflecting on the Bible studies I have been leading here each Wed - on key topics rather than specific passages, including how we view the Bible and last night on marriage across the Bible, and since.

In the UK I can in theory be stationed anywhere in the country, I trained with people from a range of backgrounds and theological positions, in Methodism and other denominations. Here I would be based in a Conference that may cover only a state, or in NC only half a state, and yes the geography in the US is vast so that still is a significant area.  But it seems that crossovers between different Conferences of the United Methodist Church whilst possible are very rare.

This means that the Bible belt is served by those who grew up in it; and the liberal New Yorkers only meet their own type too.  When you read of a denomination tearing itself apart over issues I am left wondering if being too vast to have a mix between different views of scripture and the world leaves a weakened church less able to work out the tensions of living with its differences.

As we in the UK wrestle with similar matters, I think we have a strength in that we mix and mingle enough to be exposed to a range of theological positions, so do we stand a better chance of living with and working out our differences?

It will still be a challenge, but when we have to meet and live with one another, we stand a better chance.