Its my party...

I remember an old pop song ‘It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to...’

Whilst not going that far, the voice of depression came to my party yesterday.  A local event in the village hall to celebrate that great moment of ordination the Sunday before.

I arrived with the fear that none would come, like the childhood grief of being stood up at your own birthday party. Yet I knew of those who would be there! Such is the undermining, lying voice of self doubt.

It was a busy affair, with many people there from different churches, and some friends from far off too. There was the moment of presentation when I was given the ordination gift from my churches – a unique commissioned communion set from Marches pottery and handcrafted box to keep it safe, there was the crowd of well wishers, there was love and care from people...

And yet the cursed voice would rob me of the fullness of joy that such a moment should bring, and only whisper about those who are not there, the imperfections of my limited planning, the fear that those present were not enjoying themselves, that I .... (fill in the blank – I’m sure you can!)

But I refuse to hold onto those thoughts – I choose to remember the affirmation of ordination ‘They are worthy’, I choose to hold onto the love of those who came to the party and those who came all the way to Cornwall for the ordination.

The voice is depression but it feeds off tiredness, and I have had a long and emotional couple of weeks.  In the Bible God’s response to the prophet Elijah’s depression was to have him eat and sleep. I did plenty of eating whilst away, now I need some time of sleep, then I will be able to celebrate fully and let people’s care for me seep under the skin properly.

Tainted money?

There are occasions when a gift is offered to the church from a controversial source - today I had one of those calls.  It has triggered a lot of thoughts - beyond the details of this case.

What is 'tainted money' - is there such a thing? Perhaps the proceeds of crime, but what about extending that to the proceeds of sweat shop labour, or the arms trade, or a banker's bonus.

From my reflections through the day I have drawn a distinction between money generated through actions we consider dubious and money given by dubious sources but acquired through undisputed means. 

Accepting a gift from the first could be seen as profiting from whatever dubious actions, and encouraging that action. There are very good reasons to step back from money in this context. Although on the other hand Salvation Army founder William Booth was often challenged about recieving inappropriate donations such as from a major brewery (being active temperance campaigners) or big business and is reported at various times to have commented 'Tainted money? 'T ain't enough money'  and that he would 'wash it in the tears of widows and orphans'. In contrast the Sally Army of today refused the charity funds from the final edition of News of the World.

As for the second situation - and my dilemma today - it becomes a question as to whether money is tainted by whose hands it passes. No dubious process was involved in gaining the money, no-one hurt or demeaned or worse. I am being asked to judge the giver not the money - and who of us should cast the first stone.  I don't vet who may slip a note onto the collection plate on a sunday, nor question how they came across that money.  Yet I am required to seek advice on accepting this gift - knowing the source creates the responsibilty, a need to make an assessment, to consider what being associated with you would mean, the ethical position, the conclusions drawn, the statement it would make.

But you offered it with no strings, we don't have to agree with you, or do anything for you in return.  Just as we are called to offer welcome to any and all without judgement, surely we should we willing to accept the gifts offered to us without labelling the givers as good, bad or ugly. Are any of us worthy or pure enough to bring a gift to God? And yet he welcomes us whoever we are, whatever we have done, and whatever we have to offer.  Surely we are called to echo that welcome and love - and rejecting a freely given gift because we don't agree with you doesn't seem to fit.

In the end it will not be my decision, but that of the church leadership together, and with advice from my boss. But for today it has been the pondering.