I am back quite quickly, it turns out that my last post set alarm bells ringing for some of you. I did add the line about being safe to try and avoid such anxiety.
For me, and many (though not all) living with depression, the presence of the mental thoughts about 'not being' and thoughts about how and why that could be is simply part of the normal range of mental activity. We can be surprised that others do not experience life in this way - and so how those of you in that situation read a comment we may post will be very different to how our friends on similar journeys read a post.
Last week I was in a bad place - but not different in kind to normal, more a difference in volume. My post was letting the scream out where it would be heard. Think of it as pressure cooker - I remember Mum cooking the Sunday lunch in one each week and it would suddenly whistle as the pressure reached a certain point. My post was a release of pressure, and the letting out of the scream was in itself the release that allows me to move forward.
The nature of a scream is raw and primeval - and so I realise my language was blunter than when you normally ask how I am when I usually try to filter it, maybe to make me look less mad. So the reality is a shock to you. But looking through previous blogposts I have been open about the range of emotions and struggles of life with depression, and mostly bipolar depression.
There is no one experience of poor mental health, not even one version of depression. This blog is my journey, and my journey of balancing that with life in the church.
I had already called on my support network and from that have had a wonderful person tackle the admin chaos that was one of my overwhelming things.
The beginners running course I was persuaded to sign up to after my parkrunning started this week which is another time out from under the duvet.
So don't panic, I am not in a great place, but a step better than last week,