'A rose by any other name' - receiving a Label, and having a plan

I remember my English teacher Mrs Storey (yes that was her real name, destined for that job?) when we were doing various bits of Shakespeare. And yes Romeo and Juliet was one of those we looked at 'A rose by any other name would smell as sweet' - you are who you are regardless of the name that you carry, yet for them the names got in the way.  For others though names can be affirming, recognising something important to them.

Mental Health labels can get in the way for some - and they rightly protest that they are more than the label, more than the diagnosis. Yet for some of us the label can become a positive, something life affirming, that describes what we know and shows that someone has finally heard us and acknowledged it too.

At the end of last year I finally had a psychiatrist who listened to my history and took meaningful questions. He said that he felt bipolar explained my experiences - more depressions but with significant times of feeling full of potential and ideas but in a driven, must act now way that is not peaceful, nor productive as the next idea jumps in before following up the one before.  But the psych stopped short of formal diagnosis, as not seen me in that hypomanic state.

My next visit was with a new consultant (having been locums before that) - from that visit and then again a week ago, with notes and some pointed questions, he declared he was confident that I am affected by 'Bipolar Spectrum Disorder'.  Given the vagaries of mental health diagnoses a consultant being 'confident' is about as solid as it comes.

So how do I feel about the label? Relieved to have been heard, to have had not just my experiences but also my own reading and self understanding has been validated.  I can recall the feeling when in the biggest depression crash (at college after a prolonged high period) I finally went to the GP and was told I was in clinical depression. I came back with a strange level of temporary positivity (well compared to where I was) it was not me being a failure as a human being but a valid recognised illness.  This week was not as dramatic but had some of the same sense.

There are consequences of labels though, and I have filled in the form to declare to DVLA as bipolar is one of the notifiable conditions, it should be straightforward as them writing to the psych and him confirming I am safe to drive, and many conditions from types of diabetes to heart conditions have to inform the authorities. But it is a very formal way of embracing a label.

Plans - the consultant I am with is very good at giving a sense of confidence in the plan he has for treatment. He talks confidently about how getting to a certain dose of Quetiapine whilst tweaking the antidepressant should really help me. The hiccup along the way is that increasing the dose of Q has side effects of deep sedation until the body adjusts to it. Hence this post taking days and days, with about 10 hours total sleep and up to the same again in vague grogginess leaves not that much time fully functional.

I am grateful to have supportive people who have helped me look at my diary and how to adapt during this side effect season that could be a couple of months. And I am very aware of the privilege of being in a role that has so much flexibility.

But if you see me looking even more vague than usual then blame the drugs, but we have a plan!!

'Don't Panic Mr Mainwaring'

I am back quite quickly, it turns out that my last post set alarm bells ringing for some of you. I did add the line about being safe to try and avoid such anxiety.

For me, and many (though not all) living with depression, the presence of the mental thoughts about 'not being' and thoughts about how and why that could be is simply part of the normal range of mental activity. We can be surprised that others do not experience life in this way - and so how those of you in that situation read a comment we may post will be very different to how our friends on similar journeys read a post.

Last week I was in a bad place - but not different in kind to normal, more a difference in volume. My post was letting the scream out where it would be heard. Think of it as pressure cooker - I remember Mum cooking the Sunday lunch in one each week and it would suddenly whistle as the pressure reached a certain point. My post was a release of pressure, and the letting out of the scream was in itself the release that allows me to move forward.

The nature of a scream is raw and primeval - and so I realise my language was blunter than when you normally ask how I am when I usually try to filter it, maybe to make me look less mad. So the reality is a shock to you. But looking through previous blogposts I have been open about the range of emotions and struggles of life with depression, and mostly bipolar depression.

There is no one experience of poor mental health, not even one version of depression. This blog is my journey, and my journey of balancing that with life in the church.

I had already called on my support network and from that have had a wonderful person tackle the admin chaos that was one of my overwhelming things.

The beginners running course I was persuaded to sign up to after my parkrunning started this week which is another time out from under the duvet.

So don't panic, I am not in a great place, but a step better than last week,