Iona 2 (Wednesday)

Yesterday I went on a long walk, I followed the pilgrimage route around part of the island but not with the organised group – I wanted to travel at my own pace, not in the crowd and to reflect and pray in my own way not as set by others. Stroppy independent miss me, or maybe just in need of my own space. I thought about the early monks travelling from Ireland in tiny boats, mere coracles in a powerful sea, a sea that casts great mounds of pebbles and stones much further inland than you might imagine on a calm day. The story is that on arriving on Iona St Columba looked back to be sure he could no longer see his homeland.  There is a lot to be said for that, if we are to move on then it needs to be in a way that running back to what used to be is no longer an option – only then will we really stick out the struggles of the new place and commit ourselves to that task.

September is when Methodist ministers who have moved to new appointments always start their new roles, this year I know several who have let go of what came before and travel to the new – though not in coracles.  The cycle of preparing for moves next September also begins and I have been part of the discussions about the information going out for a vacancy in our circuit.  It has all set me thinking about a couple of years ahead when I will have to consider whether to move then or later.

When I first took up the role of minister here I described it as suddenly being parent to a range of very different children. Not in the sense of having the parental wisdom – more like the new parents home from hospital, babe in arms suddenly feeling all the responsibility whilst unsure if they know what they are doing!  Well I have grown into the role and have made deep emotional connections with these churches and these communities – but lately so much has reminded me that I am but a foster carer. I am trusted to be the minister, a leader and guide, but only for a time. However deeply attached I feel  I need to be ready to sail on to new places when the time is right. It also means that I must remember the limits of my responsibility – and not weigh myself down with burdens that are not mine to carry.

Ever since ordination this summer I have begun to think wider than the churches I travel with now, and that has freed me to recognise that my studies about faith and depression are a valid expression of my calling and not a tag along hobby.  It feels unloyal at times to my current churches, but seeing a lifetime ministry not just these few years, and acknowledging that it is not for me to try and solve all the challenges of my congregations singlehanded.... well I can’t do that and it isn’t my place to.

So although not boarding a coracle yet, I am learning to hold loosely ready to let go when the call comes and trusting to God to provide for me and for those who stay.