Testing the market

First of all - 'Happy Centiposting to me, happy centiposting to me.....'  Yep I have reached 100 blog posts!

Today I had a stall on Ludlow Market - Manse Crafts going fully public, beyond the safe church fairs.  It was a dry day, not a common thing at the moment,  and although I covered my costs it was not really the market for  craft items so not the most efficient use of time and resources.  But a useful lesson to learn and  I did cover costs.

However a conversation with a fellow trader - meant for my learning and important because they were right and I am better off for the knowledge - pressed some old old buttons.  Stupid Helen. Useless Helen. Failure Helen.

I was a good girl and reacted appropriately at the time and in all visible ways - but inside I have spent the rest of the day fighting against the inner buttons that have been firing at full power. I had thought that I had grown beyond those undermining weaknesses and felt doubly useless to find they still had such power over my emotions.

I am still feeling that low and frustration but trying to hold it in context - it is normal to feel put in one's place and some of those emotions, it is just that because I have had years of over-reaction that I see all reaction as pathological when some off it is actually just normal life. 

And then I need to remember that only a few years ago I would have been unable to have stand behind a stall and banter with passers by.  So on this centennial blog post I do have positive progress to report - pity that my inbuilt bias wants to dwell on the gunk, but I guess that is par for the course for a depressive.

I'm back!!

It has been a while I last blogged, it has been a tiring time, the builders have been in (taking away rotting bits of house before they fell apart themselves), the nights have drawn in and I have been just about keeping my head above water enough to get a few emotional breaths.

But this week the builders finish, today my investment project arrived (more later) and I have had a really good weekend in terms of work.  Last friday I met with my new little support group and had a chance to discuss aspects of the job, and of my own guilts etc. All of which have helped lift my mood and the world feels more manageable again.

The Investment Project - last week I was getting some of my fused glass ready for the Art Festival at one of my churches this weekend, I knew I needed to get time booked at the studio to do the repeat pieces I was commissioned for when the 2nd church member saw the piece someone else had bagged. I idlely wondered how much and how far away the dream of having my own kiln would be - and several googles later it had gone from £1500 to £800 as I found one that was big enough to do all sorts of exciting things but cheap enough to run off a regular plug, and with £100 off, but limited stock.

A few days of shall I shan't I - not actually having £800 - and with the offer to delay my car repayments to the Bank of Mum & Dad for a bit, I took the plunge.

With the microwave kiln, materials and tools - including now the 'real' kiln Manse Crafts has had an investment of getting on for £1500.  I may need to take a bigger cost cut when selling for church funds in the future - at least til I pay this off.  But it is something that gives me pleasure, enables me to be creative and fully me, and for now I feel that I am worth it. I don't have to be the perfect minister who has done all the things I should have in order to 'earn' my down time treats - even if I need reminding of that sometimes, ok lots of times!!

Anyway - I'm back!  I'm positive, and I have a shiny new toy to play with, and once the builders finish I may even manage to bring some order to this place, between cardboard boxes and bits of wood....

All Change (or not)

It has been a busy week or so for job changing and decisions.  The Americans decided who would be president for the next 4 years, the new Archbishop of Canterbury was announced (and pre-announced, and pre- pre-announced!) and across Britian Methodist churches and ministers awaiting the decision of the stationing group. 

Ministers have 5 year appointments and in the last year decisions are made about where they will serve next. It is possible to extend their stay, but if they are moving this is the week when they and the churches get paired up.

Many friends having been waiting for the news about where they will be from next Sept, and families too. What must it be like to hold people's lives in your hand like that? Yet every job interview is like that too, and so many other things we do affect others, maybe not as obviously or dramatically but still significantly.

The words we say, they way we react to people, shapes them.  I can see that looking back at my life and you may be able to too. It means it is a huge responsibility, and yet what a power we have to affirm, encourage and strengthen others.

And as for the big decisions, well maybe the Coptic (Egyptian) Church have a point - last week they appointed a new leader by putting the shortlist of three names into a pot and had a blindfolded child make the final pick - trusting God in that process.

Lord make me organised....maybe

I think it was Augustine that prayed 'Lord give me chastity ...but not yet!'

No, you are not going to get any X rated confessions. Just my musing about how many times I declare that 'I will get organised, starting from now' and completely fail...

There are enough hours in the day to do a bit more than I do if only I was organised about it. Not spending time looking for that not-filed, mis-flied bit of paper.  I generally know where I last used it, but if visitors have prompted a gathering up and dump back into the study then it is open season...

Actually I am not that bad at being organised, it just feels a long time from when I was considered the team's organised person - I got rumbled when a team mate said 'you're not that organised, you just write it all down!'

But this job has lots of fuzzy edges, so add on the mix of energy and no energy moments I get as well and it is a recipe for potential chaos.

So every so often I declare that I WILL get organised,  and this time I have extra help. No not divine intervention, but a small plate from my Nan's house clearance on her move into a home.  It is 'A Round Tuit' - for years I have seen this at her house, and now it is mine, all mine... so no more excuses!!  Everything I said I would do when I got a round tuit, well now I have one.

If only it was that simple!

If only everything was that simple...

But back in the real world, I still need to get organised, but next week, once X and Y have come and gone, then, maybe then, I might get organised.

Or maybe pigs will fly.... 

Lets be depressed together??

‘Birds of a feather flock together’ and yet ‘opposites attract’ – you can probably find a proverb to support any point of view. Lately I have been spending a lot of time with some others who are also dealing with depression at various levels. It has reminded me about my ideas around getting some sort of local support group for depression going in the area.

Such self-help is seen to be a benefit because it breaks down the feelings of being alone with whatever the struggles are.  It enables you to talk to people who understand some of your experiences, laugh together about the weird moments, cry together about the tough times and generally have a place to be honest about how life is.

On the other hand hanging around people with the same problems as you can be a downer, if I am depressed why go to meet up with others who are as miserable as me? Afterall when it is a major struggle to get out of bed, or to get going with normal domestic life – what is going to be worth the effort it would take to get there and get involved.

What might a group get up to that would make it a welcoming space yet still offer the chance to get to know people in a similar situation?  This community is too small to have a general book group and one for a specific group of people – so there doesn’t seem much point in mimicking activity focused clubs. The ideal would be for the group that forms to decide what it looks like – but how do we get that starter group together? What do you advertise as?  All ideas appreciated...   

The Good Samaritan - remixed...

There was a person in need, and the crowds were passing them by, sometimes on the other side, sometimes stepping right over them. Some of them would feel guilty – but it was in the moment, and quickly something else occupied their minds. Afterall they did a lot of good in other ways, they weren’t responsible for this, couldn’t be responsible for all the needs of the world.  They were only human afterall.

Then the Samaritan passed by, and stopped, and picked up the one in need. Took them to the inn, but found that he didn’t have enough to pay for his care.  The Samaritan wanted to help, began to help, but in the end didn’t have the means to do what he had begun to do. What does he do then?

To abandon the one who you have picked up from the roadside seems so much more of a sin than merely passing them by. In stopping, in beginning to care, the Samaritan chose to take responsibility, having picked up the buck it becomes an active decision to lay it aside. 

The Samaritan sought to pass on the needy one to specialist care, but what if there was no room at the inn or the inn cost too much? What would the Samaritan do then? What if walking away having started to get involved is not an option, but finding the solution is also not an option?

And what happens next time the Samaritan passes someone in need? Will he think twice about helping? Maybe those others were not as hardhearted as they are painted, maybe they knew they had not enough to give. Afterall we are taught that to return to burning building to help someone is not good – it can end up giving the firefighters 2 casualties to rescue instead of one.

Maybe the parables are simple stories to make a point – and real life much more complicated. Maybe what looks like the right thing to do isn’t? And that goes for when you are the Samaritan and when you are a passer by.

So how do we respond to the overwhelming needs of a hurting world, yet survive ourselves – not becoming additional casualties in need of rescue? And how do we deal with the guilt of having a lot yet being too frail to reach out to those in need?

Strangers are friends not yet made...

I have guests at the moment, not people I knew personally beforehand. I have more than enough physical space in the church owned house.

What is hospitality? Sharing the bread we have, actually I get back a lot too, my overgrown garden mown, others sharing the cooking... 

But there is the balance - keeping safe, as a woman alone welcoming the stranger is a serious matter, not to be done without care.

And yet -
I think back to all the times I have lived with people not of my choosing, and often strangers. From university flat allocation to when I arranged a 6 month unpaid 'job' in a church in Australia in exchange for bed and board.  Actually since I was 18 I have only lived alone for 5 years, and with 4 years back at parents that leaves over a decade living with people I didn't choose, people who were strangers at first. Of course some of that was with a locked personal room but I also remember the times that people welcomed me into their homes.  Ok I may have come with references, a student on a placement etc, but I was still a stranger.

And those who care about my wellbeing now were glad of the welcome I recieved in other places. Is there inconsistency there? Not really because then they worried about me going into a stranger's place, now they worry about the strangers coming to my place.  Sometimes those who love you are simply born to worry.

But if by welcoming others I can pass on the grace and hospitality that I have been shown by strangers then that chain of grace can carry on.

Whilst being wise to real risks we must still dare to care.