Testing the market

First of all - 'Happy Centiposting to me, happy centiposting to me.....'  Yep I have reached 100 blog posts!

Today I had a stall on Ludlow Market - Manse Crafts going fully public, beyond the safe church fairs.  It was a dry day, not a common thing at the moment,  and although I covered my costs it was not really the market for  craft items so not the most efficient use of time and resources.  But a useful lesson to learn and  I did cover costs.

However a conversation with a fellow trader - meant for my learning and important because they were right and I am better off for the knowledge - pressed some old old buttons.  Stupid Helen. Useless Helen. Failure Helen.

I was a good girl and reacted appropriately at the time and in all visible ways - but inside I have spent the rest of the day fighting against the inner buttons that have been firing at full power. I had thought that I had grown beyond those undermining weaknesses and felt doubly useless to find they still had such power over my emotions.

I am still feeling that low and frustration but trying to hold it in context - it is normal to feel put in one's place and some of those emotions, it is just that because I have had years of over-reaction that I see all reaction as pathological when some off it is actually just normal life. 

And then I need to remember that only a few years ago I would have been unable to have stand behind a stall and banter with passers by.  So on this centennial blog post I do have positive progress to report - pity that my inbuilt bias wants to dwell on the gunk, but I guess that is par for the course for a depressive.