Tainted money?

There are occasions when a gift is offered to the church from a controversial source - today I had one of those calls.  It has triggered a lot of thoughts - beyond the details of this case.

What is 'tainted money' - is there such a thing? Perhaps the proceeds of crime, but what about extending that to the proceeds of sweat shop labour, or the arms trade, or a banker's bonus.

From my reflections through the day I have drawn a distinction between money generated through actions we consider dubious and money given by dubious sources but acquired through undisputed means. 

Accepting a gift from the first could be seen as profiting from whatever dubious actions, and encouraging that action. There are very good reasons to step back from money in this context. Although on the other hand Salvation Army founder William Booth was often challenged about recieving inappropriate donations such as from a major brewery (being active temperance campaigners) or big business and is reported at various times to have commented 'Tainted money? 'T ain't enough money'  and that he would 'wash it in the tears of widows and orphans'. In contrast the Sally Army of today refused the charity funds from the final edition of News of the World.

As for the second situation - and my dilemma today - it becomes a question as to whether money is tainted by whose hands it passes. No dubious process was involved in gaining the money, no-one hurt or demeaned or worse. I am being asked to judge the giver not the money - and who of us should cast the first stone.  I don't vet who may slip a note onto the collection plate on a sunday, nor question how they came across that money.  Yet I am required to seek advice on accepting this gift - knowing the source creates the responsibilty, a need to make an assessment, to consider what being associated with you would mean, the ethical position, the conclusions drawn, the statement it would make.

But you offered it with no strings, we don't have to agree with you, or do anything for you in return.  Just as we are called to offer welcome to any and all without judgement, surely we should we willing to accept the gifts offered to us without labelling the givers as good, bad or ugly. Are any of us worthy or pure enough to bring a gift to God? And yet he welcomes us whoever we are, whatever we have done, and whatever we have to offer.  Surely we are called to echo that welcome and love - and rejecting a freely given gift because we don't agree with you doesn't seem to fit.

In the end it will not be my decision, but that of the church leadership together, and with advice from my boss. But for today it has been the pondering.

Accepting the wounded ones... wounds and all

Have you noticed how some people want  to fix everything and everybody? Sometimes you just want them to listen to your gripe of the day so you can get it out of the system, not for them to tell you how to solve the problem.

Amongst Christians this tendency to fix things/people can get spiritualised. Today I have had one of those encounters where acknowledging that I am still affected by my depression and other conditions led to the suggestion I should recieve prayer for healing.

Why do you think I need fixing? When I have been at my worst and in pain then yes, please pray for me in my pain, but I don't feel in need of fixing right now. Yes depression is still part of my life, but it is managed and although I have my moments my life is not generally impaired by it.  Removing something that has been part of my whole adult life would be like trying to take away part of my personality, part of what makes me who I am.

I realise that this is hard for you to understand, you care and want me to be free of trouble - but we don't live protected from the strains of life, we all have vulnerabilities.  Depression is one of mine, and I have come to accept myself as I am, your desire that I be fixed suggests that you don't accept me as I am, or that my vulnerability is somehow a failure. Does my ongoing situation challenge your neat faith that God brings us through all struggles so that we can sing of victory and joy, that bad times happen but get fixed. Sorry that this chipped plate is likely to stay chipped, it still works fine.

I know you would reach out in love to the wounded ones, offer love and care, but we need to be accepted wounds and all.  Even after his resurrection, with a changed and restored body, Jesus still had his wounds. He was not ashamed of them, and we should not be ashamed of ours either.

(Now I believe that God has an interest in our lives, and I believe that at times this can be expressed in ways that defy explanation (the definition of a miracle) but I also live with the tension that these times are rare and we are left wrestling with the question of suffering in this world. It may be neater to either deny that God can/will do anything personal or to believe that he will always intervene to fix things, if we can work out the right way to ask.  But the experience of people as I have observed it over the years doesn't allow for either of these, so the unknowing of the middle option is the only place left for me despite its discomfort.)

New year's resolutions

Happy New Year!

As well as schools and colleges Sept is the start of a new Methodist church year too.  This year I am starting out with a few resolutions -

1. To be organised and pro-active with the admin. Since I started I have been on the back foot, and the study disappearing under piles because I didn't have a system. At first in a new job you are not sure what system to set up to suit your way of working, and after that I was too busy fire fighting admin to get organised. 

Therefore I set aside time in August to fight the paper acculmulation, separate out the important and set up a system ready for the new outslaught.  And I am ready!!

2. To get a more healthy eating pattern. I tend to bundle through the day on snacks then realise I haven't eaten properly and end up eating a huge portion because I can't judge how much pasta etc and am hungry anyway.  I have put on nearly 2 stone in 2 years in this job, so the healthy eating includes a diet....

3. To lose enough weight to fit back into clothes. (No list of new year's resolutions is complete without this one) Being a person who likes to see quick results I am half way through a month on a meal replacement scheme (Weight to go). It is making me eat at proper times during the day, and with pre-prepped meals it is easy and lazy to get that habit established.  And very yummy meals too.  So far I have already lost a few pounds and realising how much I need to change my portion sizes.

4. To get to bed earlier. Just because I am an owl not a lark doesn't mean 2 am is ok for me, Time to shift that body clock forward and rediscover how to function in the mornings.  Not doing so well on this one, last night was in bed by 11pm but still 1am before asleep.

Basically all my resoultions are about control - being the one who is in charge of bits of my life rather than simply reacting to things around me, or the impact of lazy or bad habits. We all need to feel that at some level, having control over our lives is an aspect of freedom, and to be able to control your own inclinations and inner chaos is important for self esteem.

When my depression was at my worst I had no sense of control, emotions were just there whether I wanted to avoid crying or not, I had - or took - no control over the world around me. Stuff happens but you are not part of it or feel unable to stop the chaos, it is all so overwhelming. Like a study full of scattered papers - your life is in there but its too hard to face finding it amid the chaff.

Small successes, moments of control, are to be celebrated, resolutions made are often quickly broken, but daring to try is a huge achievement in itself.

Will my new resolutions help me through the year to come - yes I am sure they will, but that doesn't mean that the study will stay tidy.

So Happy New Year; Happy New Day.

Honesty about depression

I had the privilege that comes with this job whereby this week I was invited to speak to a group in the next town about my life and faith. Naturally this cannot be done without the story of my depression, and the other lumps and bumps in my life.

There is such power in naming the often un-nameable, it asserts that depression is just the same as any other illness we suffer, that it happens to people of faith as much as anyone else.

After the talk one person came up and said that I had described their life, parallels with depression. It is amazing to be able to have such conversations.

In a couple of weeks time there will be the first session of a group I am establishing based at one of my churches 'living with depression'.  I don't know how many will come but it seemed important to offer that place of support, in reality it is about setting up what I would have valued in my darker moments and still feel to be important now. A place to be honest about the chaos and pain, and even the lighter moments - with others who 'get it' and instead of boring family and friends yet again.

Okay so not everyone wants to air their souls in front of others, and mostly the rest of us are glad about that, but there are two needs - a) that everyone has a place to air it if they need to - be it close to home or far away and anonymous; b) that some of us bare all to show others they are not alone, and to help the unaffected understand.

I feel called to be part of both of these, and have the privelege of a role that allows that to happen.

It's always other people...

I wasn't going to blog on the riots - this isn't a social commentary or political blog, just about life with the wobbles and doing the job I do, besides there is enough cyber space taken up with all sorts of theories and opinions.

But...

I am continually being hit by the the sense that it always has to be someone else, a different type of person, not us or our folk. 

Today the government talk about an anti-gang strategy, previously suggestions that offenders should have their benefits taken away, or be cast out of council housing, before that it was a race issue. Yet my understanding was that rioters came from all walks of life. There were those who had plenty at home but still looted in the buzz of those nights, there were those with jobs, at university, with prospects, there were older and younger, there are those egged on by family and those turned in by aghast family.

Yes some may fit the young jobless gang thugs profile but what about the rest? Ah but we don't want to think that 'people like us' could get out of control like that, it stops us feeling safe in our own little corners. Just as the drug problem is something for the inner city estates - not the cosy suburbs, but it is there too just because net curtains can be drawn discretely over it doesn't take it away.

It is scary to see stuff and think that people we know, people that we pass on the street and nod a greeting to could be a part of that - easy to blame it on the distant stereotype, on those who are different, those who are the problem.  No need to consider the problems on the doorstep.

Mental health is another stigma - the manic, the schizophrenic, they all live somewhere else and are a problem, maybe even a danger. But they are also serving you coffee, queuing up at the cash point behind you, they don't have 3 heads or foaming mouths. And those of us who live with depression, who sometimes you avoid in case we infect you, we are everywhere - one day, though I wish it wouldn't, it could be you.

But if  you sleep easier by believing that the scary things in life, the bad things in life, the ability to do wrong things is always somewhere else and about somebody else - well sweet dreams, you may be one of the few whose dreams do not end up shattered. If though you are ready to face reality - then welcome to the world of the wobbly ones, who know we will be knocked down but that 'weebles wobble but they don't fall down.

And to go back to the riots - lets not just look at the communities on the news, but dare to ask about our own community, what are the issues here and now and what does that mean to us. And making a difference is not always for other people either.

The power of the finish line

Tonight my mood has lifted - a project has crossed the finish line, one of my church halls has had new flooring fitted. The planning is over, the fundraising done, and debates about the details drift into history. Yet just a few days ago when the 'oops' episodes of the planning left me in a flap the same project pressed my insecurity buttons - I had messed up some bits therefore I was a failure at this and maybe life too. But tonight we crossed the finish line, the carpet fitters left and we moved the chairs back in, stand back, take a photo, admire the end product - and feel the pride of achievement.

When I was preparing to be trained as a minister I was advised to find a hobby that had a clear end result - a finish line - because this is a job that has fuzzy edges and not a lot of clear visible results. It was good advice - and not just for ministers. So much of life has no end point - from housework to parenting, from mowing the lawn or weeding to the never ending flow of paperwork - and so we never reach that moment of stepping back to mark an achievement.

I am coming to believe in the vital importance of the finish line, the crossing off of an item on the To Do List, the milestone markers...   Pyschologically we need the opportunity to celebrate what we have done, or how far we have travelled in life. When all the attention is on the things yet to be done we can be overwhelmed, we feel small and weak compared to the demands that are being made and the challenges ahead.  That can apply to normal life, and can be felt acutely in depression.

We are climbing great mountians and are so busy struggling along or daunted by the path ahead that we don't pause to look behind and see all we have already achieved to get to here, the obstacles we have survived.  The finish line may be a way off but there are staging posts, like the Tour de France - a single race and yet also a series of daily races.

What can you celebrate at the end of a day, week, month, year? It might be something with a fancy, glossy edge to it, or it might be the power and strength of surviving. (I nearly said 'merely surviving' but the truth is there is no 'merely' about it in the tough times, it is a huge achievement).

So I will smile at the nice shiny new church hall floor and for now, for tonight, set aside the list of the unfinished. Celebrating this finish line will give me new hope and strength to face the next, believing that I can.

Depression - biochemistry or pyschology?

What is it that makes me depressed? Is it my brain chemistry or complicated pyschology or both.

When I was at my deepest darkest places I went to counselling, I was also on medication. The counselling was very important and we explored a lot of very profound things linked to my self esteem, poor self identity etc. This was complicated and painful stuff about how coping strategies from the past and emotional damage from bullying had shaped who I had become as an adult, and limited my ability to thrive.

The journey through counselling and rebuilding an alternative view of myself was a healing journey, and the person I am now is due to the release of that time.  To use a Biblical image it felt like the story of Lazarus who was raised from the dead and coming out from the cave tomb was still wrapped in the graveclothes, he had to be unwrapped to be free to move and live.

So does that mean my depression was essentially pyschological? The significance of pyschological treatment suggests this might be the case, yet medication was also important in stabilising my moods enough to go into to those dark places.

Now 3 years from that crisis point I am emotionally pretty stable, yes I live with the wobbles, and insecurities can still creep up on me but generally I can separate the emotions from the reality. The difference between what is and what isn't my personal failure etc.  However I am still on medication, and need to be. Despite the 'renewing of my mind' (more Biblical bits) through addressing my internal or 'self-talk' I still feel the deep pain of the depressive moods when they ebb and flow although I have perspective and life is going fine. Hormonal shifts add to this - the PMT effect.

Actually people around me seem to find this a hard thing to comprehend, that I can be depressed in the sense of the pain but not have the distorted self-image element of it. It does feel odd to me at times too - but this is my experience. So if the pyschology has been addressed and still the pains come and go... support for the biochemistry view?

But life is not black or white, rather it is shades of grey. Depression is the same. As a condition it plays off emotional vulnerabilities - but not all the pyschologically wounded experience depression; it does have a physical element, brian chemistry is affected and medication responds to that - but tablets alone are not enough.

For many years I coped with depression - limted by it but plodding on, assuming that was all life could.
In my crash I suffered depression - no sort of normality made sense and gettiing through a day was the greatest achievement.
These days I live with depression - I still know the shadows and soul aches it brings, but it doesn't define me or limit me.

The Black Dog is part of the family but has matured into a plodding canine who most of the time sleeps in front of the metaphorical fire, no longer the crazy puppy that was everywhere and chewing at all the precious things in life..