Identity and dis-ease - part 1

Been a while since I last wrote - my mind being on some unbloggable matters in the meantime.  Now then where was I? 

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I often get what others consider to be odd trains of thought – although to me they are fascinating insights to life!  One of these that came when I was learning Welsh has been particularly relevant to my recent thoughts.

The grammatical construction in Welsh for certain illnesses is ‘there is a cold on me’.  It struck me as feeling less permanent than ‘I have a cold’ in English merely something that is on me but we can brush off again. Yes it is just grammar not a mindset, your car is ‘with you’ rather than something you ‘have’, but it set off a pattern of thought about how we think about illnesses.

Those thoughts are being chewed over again now. There can be 3 types of health issues we face –

1. Accidents – breaks, tears, etc  things that have happened to us and often can be fixed with a bit of time, the broken leg, the bruising.
2.  Illnesses that come ‘on us’ – they are not part of us, but something we fight to get rid of, to remove from our bodies and lives.
3.  Dis-ease that is part of us – plumbed or wired in they are somehow integral to us, we live with them as a permanent thing, maybe all our life or the rest of our life.

The tree has embraced the fence as part of  itself...

Okay there may be other types, but my point is that for 1 and 2, even when the situation is incredibly serious, to the extent of life threatening, it is a situation that is to be fixed, challenged and fought.  When it is a part of who you are like 3 then it is a more complicated relationship – what does that mean to who I am?

This experience includes a wide range of situations from those whose lives revolve around the dis-ease or impairment to people who are impacted in a much lesser way. It covers what is very obvious to onlookers and things unseen.

How do I reconcile that that which is at the same time a problem to be addressed, managed, treated etc is at the same time part of me, to the extent that it has shaped and formed who I am, my personality, relationships and view of the world? 

I hope to reflect on all this in future blogs around my sense of self in relation to depression and possible bipolar aspects to my personality.  

Who am I? What Am I?

I haven't posted for what seems like ages and ages, it has been one of those manic times when if I do get to draw breath then I'm sorry blogging is way down the priority list after sleeping, eating and yes a glass or few of wine.

But this busyness has highlighted some of the weirdness of being a minister. I have had a huge range of roles since I last wrote - from solar panel arranger, through community librarian to taking RE classes in school and helping at youth club....and somewhere along the line sunday services, a funeral and other minister type stuff.

I have joked with people about this constant shift of identity between different jobs - most of which the training to be a minister doesn't cover - and pointed out that at least life is never boring when each day is so different.  However stability is an important thing in life too, and predictability and routine help structure our lives. Emotionally and in terms of mental energy it is good not to have to make all the day's decisions anew every day.  Just pause and consider all the potential choices from the time you wake up until you go to sleep - if you didn't have habits from your usual breakfast cereal onwards it would be exhausting. Whilst lack of variation would be mind-numbingly boring, constant change is not the answer - like most things in life it is all a matter of balance.

Of course I am in a crowded corner living with this constant mix of identities - any parent knows this too, or if you are balancing your life and caring for an older relative, or someone else.  So many people juggle complex expectations that are emotionally, physically and mentally exhausting, and the effort involved in the gear shifts between roles can take an enormous toll on people's wellbeing.

What is the answer? It would be nice to simplify life, but reality means that is not going to happen. So the question is how do we protect ourselves from the strains of a complex life?  I don't have an answer for you, you will have to find your own, for me it involves a pyjama day with out guilt, or space to be creative.  Each person has their own recharge buttons - but if we don't force ourselves to build them into our crazy lives somewhere then we are likely to go pop sooner rather than later.

Having lived through a breakdown I do not want to face another experience that dark - and if you can be motivated to care for yourself without that direct experience then do it. But even with it I find I have manic times where piles of 'things that have to be done right now' all crash into the same week or month. Is it out of my control? or do I simply allow them to have control? Either way - 'Hello Pot, I'm Kettle'!!

I started with the title 'Who am I? What am I?' - when we can no longer answer these about ourselves, rather than just in relation to other people or roles, then it is a sign we need to find respite, and to find ourselves again.