Identity and dis-ease - part 1

Been a while since I last wrote - my mind being on some unbloggable matters in the meantime.  Now then where was I? 

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I often get what others consider to be odd trains of thought – although to me they are fascinating insights to life!  One of these that came when I was learning Welsh has been particularly relevant to my recent thoughts.

The grammatical construction in Welsh for certain illnesses is ‘there is a cold on me’.  It struck me as feeling less permanent than ‘I have a cold’ in English merely something that is on me but we can brush off again. Yes it is just grammar not a mindset, your car is ‘with you’ rather than something you ‘have’, but it set off a pattern of thought about how we think about illnesses.

Those thoughts are being chewed over again now. There can be 3 types of health issues we face –

1. Accidents – breaks, tears, etc  things that have happened to us and often can be fixed with a bit of time, the broken leg, the bruising.
2.  Illnesses that come ‘on us’ – they are not part of us, but something we fight to get rid of, to remove from our bodies and lives.
3.  Dis-ease that is part of us – plumbed or wired in they are somehow integral to us, we live with them as a permanent thing, maybe all our life or the rest of our life.

The tree has embraced the fence as part of  itself...

Okay there may be other types, but my point is that for 1 and 2, even when the situation is incredibly serious, to the extent of life threatening, it is a situation that is to be fixed, challenged and fought.  When it is a part of who you are like 3 then it is a more complicated relationship – what does that mean to who I am?

This experience includes a wide range of situations from those whose lives revolve around the dis-ease or impairment to people who are impacted in a much lesser way. It covers what is very obvious to onlookers and things unseen.

How do I reconcile that that which is at the same time a problem to be addressed, managed, treated etc is at the same time part of me, to the extent that it has shaped and formed who I am, my personality, relationships and view of the world? 

I hope to reflect on all this in future blogs around my sense of self in relation to depression and possible bipolar aspects to my personality.  

Pain, whinging and life

This week I have been ill. Not the total fatigue with leaden aching muscles and foggy head, nor even the emotional inner agonies and pain (did you know the brain uses the same processes as when physical pain?) - I have experience with them and know their tactics and have some of my own. They are not companions I rejoice in but are like that annoying relative who calls often enough for you to know the tricks about how to cope.

No this was a new one on me - massive nausea. Of course I have known nausea before, but never to this extent, for such a prolonged time and uneased by being sick.  I know what it means to be 'beside yourself', unable to find any relief I was metaphorically climbing the walls.  I was wimping and whining about it - and being home alone that poured out on facebook instead.  Thank you to those who listened, replied and either gave tips or merely reminded me that I was not alone.  (Personally I favour the flat coke to the ginger infusion, but that's just my tastebuds). And to Sally - Gabi's walking friend.

It turns out that although it might have been a bug the lack of anything but the nausea suggests that it was the missed anti-depressants. I had thought I had another strip of tablets and when found I didn't it was the weekend so had to wait before getting a new prescription.  I have survived that before with no drama, but on different meds this time, with quick withdrawal effects - top of the list being nausea!  I have now set phone reminder and diary note to order future repeats in good time, no intention of facing this again!

Meanwhile now on the meds and nausea gone I am noticing the pain of the shoulder/neck muscles I managed to pull whilst trying to sleep sat up.  It actually hurts a lot and clearly enflamed, can barely turn neck on one side.  With the nausea I barely noticed the neck as sore, now it is the only complainer I can hear it loud and clear.  It is a deep pain and permanent ache, in its own way as strong as the nausea - yet I can tolerate it and I can manage to do things. Well I can think and type anyway.  So what is the difference? I have had pulled muscles, I know it will ease, and its a typical steady aching pain.

Some people live with pain day and night without relief, some people face intense nausea on a regular basis. Somehow they cope, survive, and manage to get on with life moving among us disguised as one of the fit.  Just as indeed do those with depression and mental health concerns.

Adapting to live with pain doesn't mean the pain isn't as real as when rolling on the floor in response to it, and as this week has shown - knowing how to live with one type doesn't grant any extra tolerance to different kinds of pain when they come along.  We all have things that will turn us to wimps, just as we are all incredible strong in other areas of our lives.