An Easter journey - no sudden joy

It's Good Friday, well so my diary tells me. I have felt nothing in the Holy Week journey, well nothing holy and religious anyway. I have felt low, hiding away from the world, yet needing to not be totally alone - so busy on forums of people who understand.

What I do feel is like the old joke of someone being woken up to go to school and saying they don't want to - only to be told the have to, they are the teacher!  Yes I am the one who is supposed to stand up the front and lead others but have no sense of caring or meaning.

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Well now it is the day after the empty tomb, and I preached on the confusion of the disciples and the loss of their hopes with the crucifixion, and deliberately chose the original ending of Mark's gospel which stopped with the women, finding the tomb empty and an angel telling them 'he is risen',  flee telling no-one. A realistic first response I think, even if later they did say something, we humans don't like ending a story like that though and a new ending to the gospel added early on, with Jesus appearing and telling them to go make disciples etc.

It was not a straightforward Sunday's here and he's alive, so that's ok then - all the trauma and stress of the previous week is forgotten and all is wonderful.  Don't get me wrong, it is full of hope and new life, but it took the people around Jesus time to get their heads around, so its ok not to feel joyful on Easter Day itself - we are all on journeys.

Thanks Simon M for pointing me to this from a vicar not far away -

'But Easter is NOT a 'happy ending'. Jesus still has the scars of crucifixion, still remembers the betrayal and denial, the torture and the agonising death. Everything has changed, even when it appears to be the same. He is back with his friends and they still love each other, but there is a space in their loving that will forever be a scar; a beautiful scar that speaks of love, but a scar nonetheless. Even though Mary has her Jesus back after the agony of losing him, she can't hold onto him forever. Even though Peter is given the chance to put things right after denying him, he will spend the rest of his life making sure he never lets him down again.

It's no more of a happy ending than any story of a marriage begun again after infidelity, or the painful new life after bereavement.  But in this story that has come to be called The Easter Story, is a great truth; that it is only when we become lost that we can be found, when we know real fear that we are truly brave and when our hearts have been broken, that we can really love.

When the story of Easter meets our own stories, nothing is ever the same again, but we carry on living; wounded but whole, lost but found, broken-hearted but lovers.'

Canine therapist

So the answer seemed to be yes to the Dog question. I have been to the rescue kennels and met the one I fell in love with on the website.  She is a collie/samoyed cross about 6yrs old, a big girl, and more so as both fluffy fur and very overweight. I have offers for dog walking from a friend who can’t have a dog in her flat, so between us she should get the exercise she needs to lose the flab, and we will go on a diet together.

Most people have been very positive about my live-in therapist and fitness buddy, the occasional warning comment has been from people worrying about me taking on a burden, rather than seeing the benefits.  My second visit to see Gabi was when I only felt like hiding in bed and would have all afternoon except I was motivated to do something else.

The new meds are still in early days, and in the morning – as yesterday’s has worn off and today’s not yet in the system – I feel so low. It is in the mornings than I doubt myself as a dog carer, as a minister, as capable of the most basic of things. Yet I do what I have to, I am thanked for a good service and sermon, or the Lent study group I somehow stumbled through. So I know somehow I can, and each day have to live in the moment, for the thought of years stretching ahead can seem overwhelming.

Yet this too will pass, and as I live in shadows now I wait for light of resurrection, a journey Gabi and I can take together, both rescued and learning to find our place.

But first I have to bring the house halfway to order at least before tomorrow's adoption inspection...