Merry Humbug or Bah Christmas?

Ever since Dickens’ A Christmas Carol was published there has been a name for all those who lack the seasonal goodwill – Scrooges. Characterised as grumpy, miserly, criers of ‘bah humbug’ who are anti-Christmas a Scrooge is poor company for most of the year but especially during such a happy jolly time.

But what about those who are humbug without being a Scrooge? Those for whom Christmas is a tough time because of a missing loved one – to death or feud or ....  Those who have to face the stresses of keeping the peace across an extended family whilst producing the perfect lunch. Or those of us with depressive moods.

‘So here it is Merry Christmas, everybody’s having fun’ so goes Slade’s famous song, but as many songs it is wishful thinking. There will be plenty of people not having fun – and not because we are Scrooges, but just because life gets in the way.

Even then it is not an either/or situation, as with the rest of the year we are a mix of conflicting emotions – hence my title of Merry Humbug or Bah Christmas, most of us will have a bit of both in us.

I have found this a hard Advent, not because anything is objectively more challenging or tough in my life but from the seasonal ebbs and flows of depression.  Shorter days and insufficient sunlight can bring on Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Even those without depressive tendencies recognise the drift towards lethargy, hibernation and low moods at this time of year – it is not for nothing that so many cultures and religions have their celebrations of light in the depth of winter, that is when we most need reminding of hope.

As I said, this year I have had no sense of ‘Christmas Spirit’ (whatever that actually is) and no interest in planning for it, presents, cards, carol singing – it all feels a chore to be faced, and bed seems permanently attractive.  However chores are there to be faced and for me that includes leading others in the church celebrations leading to Christmas.

Last Sunday was Carol services, and for one church the culmination of a project with the wider community. I was involved in 3 services of very different styles and approaches, but with one thing in common – my awareness of God’s presence.  God is never absent, but often things get in the way of us sensing his presence in that immediate way.  On Sunday, after so many days of growing depressive clouds, the air was cleared, the light shone in and it was moment of such assurance, love and positivity. My Christmas had arrived, the light had come in the darkness and it was wonderful.

A couple of days later and I have descended from that high, well and truly. I am still keener on hibernation than celebration in my SAD fogginess.  But....BUT...and super but...moments like Sunday are memories that hold the flame alight even in the dark times, and more powerful that the memories of good times these moments of light glimpsed in the dark are more poignant, more hope-filled, because even there, even here, ‘the light shines in the darkness and the darkness will not overcome it’. 

So I may be more humbug than merry this year, but Christmas is still Christmas.

Endings and beginnings

This week I went to the leavers service for the CofE village school I visit for assemblies. In this 2 class school (infants in one room, juniors in the other) only one pupil was in year 6 and leaving to progress onto high school. So the end of year service for 'leavers' left him the star of the show, just as well he has acting ambitions and not daunted by the experience as classmates said what they thought of him and why he would be missed. For his turn he stood to speak about those he will miss until they too move up next year.

Later that day I was chatting to a parent of a boy leaving the high school post GSCE - they have no 6th form provision - and the debates about options and practicalities for college, what courses and how are they going to get there.  School leavers here scatter to a range of post 16 courses, but although transport costs can be applied for it struck me that the difference between the school bus winding between villages and needing to reach the routes of the regular buses is a big practical jump.

Both prompted me to look back at myself at various ages - I was on my way to university interviews when I first got the train by myself, and as for 6th form although we had a different status we were still at school, still the familiar environment. But maybe if you have been getting the minibus to school since you were 5 and stood to give your own formal farewell at 10/11 then the 16+ shift is not such a big thing. 

Then the beginnings - today was the first session of the Family Story Cafe at one of my churches. For those who know about these things it is a cross between cafe church, Godly play and messy church.  Basically parents/adults come for a coffee and space whilst children get a story and then craft time. I had in my head a target that if 3 adult/child combos came it would be a success, and that's how many came.  It would have felt good to be rushed off our feet but in reality the mixed team from different churches needed a bit of time to work together and also to get a picture of something that made sense in my head but they were still trying to grasp at a 'how will this work' level.

As always there is the nerve-wracking 'will anyone come?' moment.  As a wobbly one I am very vulnerable to past angst at these times. I guess for various reasons a lot of us are there - the fear of failure but also, for me, the potential for rejection that I tend to take personally and reaches down into childhood. Being in a leadership role in the church I still find it strange to be the initiator calling on others to come and volunteer to make things happen. This can add to the burden of 'what if they don't come' because I feel responsible for their time and commitment as well as my own disappointment.

Before my breakdown a few years ago (that long?) this wobble would be paralysing, because that led me into support and counselling now it doesn't have the same effect, it doesn't stop me taking the risks - that doesn't mean I don't wobble, I guess I always will, but this weeble wobbles but won't stay down.

And some people came, and they liked it, and they are likely to come again, and others may join them... I feel boosted by that, and so will the church who feel they have lost all contact with children and their parents.

Getting past that moment of 'will anyone come' is the end of the beginning...

All endings are new beginnings - but crossing that boundary between the two is daunting, whether for the year 6 pupil travelling on to high school or us weebles facing anything new.