Retreat reflections 2

Actually some of these thoughts predate reflection 1, but they also throw light on my holiday feelings too.

I am an introvert – I can do all the people stuff but it is an energy spend; I am told that an extrovert can recharge their energy by being with people, but that is outside my experience.

On the first night here I felt very disconnected and verging on the frustrated/annoyed without anything specific to link it to. Since then I have thought about it and think there are two reasons for my reactions.

Firstly I came here after a very intense people filled week, in some ways more than normal because I knew I would have a rest coming up and certain once a year mission moments landed in the same week.  Yes being here is a retreat, others prepare the food, I am away from my iplayer addiction (the signal here is limited to one area of the building), change of scene etc.  However I have to be up at set times for breakfast, to be sociable with folk I know from college and meet new ones.  It is not a retreat from people, just a change of people – and I was people tired, and physically tired and wanted bed and aloneness. (I don’t say quiet because I like my radio and TV and don’t like total silence, but they don’t need me to respond, or pay any regard to them, they are just there).

This issue is part of my problem with ‘going away’ holidays. As a lone traveller I don’t feel the benefit that comes from shared experiences, a passing joke on something spotted etc.  But to gain that would mean the energy demanding level of sociability with others on the activity, trip etc, and that is not the rest I need.

The second issue is that I am spending time with people I have not seen much, or at all, since we were in college, back when I was at my deepest depths emotionally.  Although I (and they) have changed dramatically since those days it is still a strange mix. I guess part of it is that I know them, but I don’t, because I wasn’t able to relate well at that stage, yet feel I should. Then there is the element of relational reversion – eg when staying with parents as an adult you all find yourselves emotionally responding as you did before you left home. It is easier to fall into an old pattern of being than to work out a new one when time is limited.  And so that first night I found being around old college friends brought a tension between the old and new versions of me at some semi-conscious level – and that too is tiring.

Today has been the silent day, I was able to go around not being sociable, I had my aloneness space and feel so much better for it.