Riding the rollercoaster safely...

My home looks chaotic, I have work scattered around my bedroom because I am attached to my duvet and manage an awful lot of admin from my laptop whilst in pyjamas. I also do my TV watching from up here via web replays. I often don't wash dishes the same day, I have too much of a liking for red wine. In many ways I am an advert in how not to manage life and work, I am an owl not a lark so come home from an evening meeting ready for action if the ideas are flowing - and can be found sending emails after the pumpkin hour*. Just don't expect high functionality in the mornings!

And yet...
I take the rests and personal space I need during the day, I live with my rhythms and somehow it works.

Today I met with others in the job for lunch and mutual support. Often as a newbie I have formal time which is one sided, where I can discuss my joys and stresses. They are important but mutual gatherings are significant in a different way. There I learn that I am not the only one who feels like that, or has faced that situation or something similar.

This week I have felt frustration in meetings and have been aware of the prowling Black Dog around me, but at lunch I seemed the calm one. Sometimes you meet other people who are in situations that make you feel guilty for feeling depressed yourself, this wasn't like that. Today I felt that despite my angst actually I am in a very secure place about how I balance my care and needs. 

I did joke that maybe the meds help with that - and I'm sure in many ways that is true, but also because I live with depression and am aware of my vulnerability I think I am quick to take action. I will retreat from pressures if my diary allows, and although I do have the shadows of guilt at that, my need for self-care is something I have worked through.

So whilst my life and home may look chaotic and not a good model for others in many ways my depression has made me healthier through self awareness and self-care.  Not getting off the rollercoaster but knowing how to keep myself safe on the ride.

* When Cinderella loses her coach ride home to a vegetable!

Taxing questions

Happy New Year! 

Ok so I am a bit late, but less than a fortnight late.  Happy New Financial Year.  End of year accounts, and the arrival on the doorstep of my Self Assesment Tax Return.  In the UK at least all clergy have to  do individual tax returns because of our particularly odd sets of rules, tied housing used as place of work etc.

Cue the start of an online discussion amongst us about tax forms.  There are accountants who specialise in clerical finance and it can get complicated especially if we have a property elsewhere that is being rented out or otherwise retained ready for retirement when we move out of the church house.

Given the scariness of official forms at the best of times I don't blame people for seeking out the expert help in completing the paperwork. In the same way I would take a rattling car to the garage, because it is important that things are done correctly.  But the reactions to my DIY approach to my tax forms have got me thinking.

Basically I am not intimidated by forms, and have enough maths to feel that I can go it alone, that and a good dose of miser genes means that I am too stubborn to pay someone else.  (Another example: I could do with help mowing the garden but when I was quoted £25 a time - it is a lot of grass - with the expectation that I would commit to fortnightly I decided to do it myself.  So whilst it doesn't get cut as often, I get to feel rich in terms of money saved when I do get around to it. And sometimes the gardening fairies from church take pity on me too.)

When I announced to the tax conversation that I do my own forms there seemed to be shock, several comments referred to how much their tax advisor had saved them various amounts of money, and therefore worth the fee.

I am fortunate that my household living costs are not as high as others (I don't have the expensive joys of children for example) and am aware that for other clergy life is much tighter financially so I don't begrudge them claiming what is lawfully theirs.  These thoughts relate only to my personal situation and what I personally should do.

If I were to go to a tax advisor they would I'm sure find lots of things that I am not claiming tax relief for in my DIY form, things to do with my job and valid to claim. However whilst I am happy to claim what I do, I don't feel comfortable examining lots of tiny corners to make sure I avoid as much tax as possible. And why should I use what I save from paying to the public purse to pay a particular individual or business?

Whatever the (very valid) arguments about how tax is spent and who should pay what, it is something very necessary in a shared society.  I have had a number of extra years as a non taxpayer - including whilst training for this job - and as a child I was fed and clothed for a number of years through the tax system.  Why should I now try and avoid it? Especially if it means going out of my way and spending lots of money (though I am sure that would be tax-efficient in some way).

And yet I am happy to Gift Aid my donations to charities including the churches - and so chunks of my paid tax go back out of the public purse and off to my chosen groups.  Does that make me a hypocrite - taking an allegedly moral high ground about not claiming every jot and tittle on my tax return whilst taking funds away from the system elsewhere? Or does one balance out the other so I am just average? Or maybe I am just lazy and only prepared to keep the easy records through the year - a tax advisor might demand more homework from me than my DIY version!

On the other hand they wouldn't have to correct a number on the form after it has been written in - I really should have gone to hunt for that missing pencil!!

Learning to wait

So the Good Friday activities are done. I have been at a children's workshop with busyness of creating then on to a simple rendition of the gospel story from the last supper to the burial - using props we had added week by week through Lent and the tomb built for Sunday's grand reveal.

But Saturday is the long wait, we have the hindsight to know the story and look forward to Sunday, to hope, to life. But on that first Easter they didn't have have that, they had the grief, the confusion, the fear...  and it didn't look like life was coming, exactly the opposite.

I have had some serious stress over the last couple of weeks, the kind that punches you down even when not still getting equilibrium back from a significant depression wobble. At times like this it feels as if hope and life are beyond reach. Yet for Jesus' friends that was to come sooner than they could ever imagine.

My stresses may not disappear over a weekend, but Easter is a reminder that despite the pain and the chaos of life, hope still stands, and even if it feels as if it is always over the next horizon, maybe I can dare to wait, or at least dare to learn to wait.

Tagged teenagers

When I started being involved in the youth club in September I was a firm believer in the value of structured activities, and concerned about their absence. But sometime over the past couple of terms I have been converted, not fully but very significantly.

I started from the principle of youth club offering something different to the street corner ‘hanging’, and I admit I was intimidated by the chaotic behaviour.  Last Friday watching 13-14 yr old lads playing something as basic as tag around the village hall site it struck me that this was possibly the first stage they have been free to find their own entertainment.

When I was at primary school we had weekends and holidays full of games in the street and around the estate – from tag to our own creative worlds. When we reached the high school we felt that we had grown out of such childish games, so it seemed odd at first to have reputation-conscious teenage lads playing primary games.   This week though it dawned on me that these were the same age as my nephew, a generation that spent primary years being ferried to organised activities rather than free to play out. Now they are older they finally have the chance to catch up.

If this is the way it is then it is important for them to have this space, to be able to run around chaotically somewhere.  Not wildly, I have my limits as do the village hall neighbours! And I still believe in the benefits of having things they can get involved with, be it the karaoke machine or craft, and hope to get a skate ramp building project off the ground.  But now I also see the need for the running around and childishness – they need that time and space. May find a use for the naughty step at times for some mind you!!