Merry Humbug or Bah Christmas?

Ever since Dickens’ A Christmas Carol was published there has been a name for all those who lack the seasonal goodwill – Scrooges. Characterised as grumpy, miserly, criers of ‘bah humbug’ who are anti-Christmas a Scrooge is poor company for most of the year but especially during such a happy jolly time.

But what about those who are humbug without being a Scrooge? Those for whom Christmas is a tough time because of a missing loved one – to death or feud or ....  Those who have to face the stresses of keeping the peace across an extended family whilst producing the perfect lunch. Or those of us with depressive moods.

‘So here it is Merry Christmas, everybody’s having fun’ so goes Slade’s famous song, but as many songs it is wishful thinking. There will be plenty of people not having fun – and not because we are Scrooges, but just because life gets in the way.

Even then it is not an either/or situation, as with the rest of the year we are a mix of conflicting emotions – hence my title of Merry Humbug or Bah Christmas, most of us will have a bit of both in us.

I have found this a hard Advent, not because anything is objectively more challenging or tough in my life but from the seasonal ebbs and flows of depression.  Shorter days and insufficient sunlight can bring on Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Even those without depressive tendencies recognise the drift towards lethargy, hibernation and low moods at this time of year – it is not for nothing that so many cultures and religions have their celebrations of light in the depth of winter, that is when we most need reminding of hope.

As I said, this year I have had no sense of ‘Christmas Spirit’ (whatever that actually is) and no interest in planning for it, presents, cards, carol singing – it all feels a chore to be faced, and bed seems permanently attractive.  However chores are there to be faced and for me that includes leading others in the church celebrations leading to Christmas.

Last Sunday was Carol services, and for one church the culmination of a project with the wider community. I was involved in 3 services of very different styles and approaches, but with one thing in common – my awareness of God’s presence.  God is never absent, but often things get in the way of us sensing his presence in that immediate way.  On Sunday, after so many days of growing depressive clouds, the air was cleared, the light shone in and it was moment of such assurance, love and positivity. My Christmas had arrived, the light had come in the darkness and it was wonderful.

A couple of days later and I have descended from that high, well and truly. I am still keener on hibernation than celebration in my SAD fogginess.  But....BUT...and super but...moments like Sunday are memories that hold the flame alight even in the dark times, and more powerful that the memories of good times these moments of light glimpsed in the dark are more poignant, more hope-filled, because even there, even here, ‘the light shines in the darkness and the darkness will not overcome it’. 

So I may be more humbug than merry this year, but Christmas is still Christmas.

Confidence Flashback

I am a driver. It is vital in this job in a rural area. I don’t drive for fun – apart from anything else who can afford that? But I am confident in my driving, and can do it without thinking much about the process (though I do try to think about the road ahead!)

At least that was the case until yesterday. I changed my car, my first car, after many years together. The replacement is a little bigger, a grown up car with back doors – much better for giving lifts to folk , and power steering which is new to me. 

It was delivered yesterday, 6 years old but looking pristine. I took it out cautiously, off the drive, round the corner of the close and onto the next corner –where I braked but the brake wasn’t there and the car rolled across to the garden wall opposite and scratched the car below the bumper.

The car is bigger, the pedals didn’t align with where my feet instinctively went, I’ve made my mark on the car – and have lost my confidence.  When I sit at the wheel the fears and doubts of learning to drive are back, without the reassuring presence of the instructor and dual controls. Now I know that I am not back there, I know that I have years of driving experience – but it doesn’t feel like that.

I feel like a little girl in a grown up world and not able to cope with the responsibility.  All because it is new to me, because I am not in my comfort zone, because it is not the safety blanket of the familiar.  Ok so the scary moment happened, no harm – apart from a scratch or two which can be dealt with, and I will get used to the lights and the wipers being the other way around and the feel of a bigger, different car.   In fact I went out after midnight when the roads were almost deserted for a 30 mile drive and feel a bit better, though still with the learner’s insecurity.

How vulnerable we are to confidence flashbacks. Or at least I am.

Even when things are going well the stress of a change can link back to the emotions of the last time, in this case the last time I had to get to know a new car as a driver.

Or staying with parents, how easily we slip back into the routines and identities of a past stage in the relationship.

Looking back at past places I can see and celebrate the huge emotional journey I have been on to find the self confidence and self esteem I have now. Are times like this, and the weeks to come as i work through this driving wobble, a step backwards? A sliding down a deep dangerous slope? It felt like that, but I am asserting to myself that it is just the twinges of an old war wound, a reminder of those times but not a return. And I guess many of us will have these twinges from time to time, and though painful may just be normal.

Meanwhile if you see me coming and the wipers go, that means I’m turning!

Mind your attitude!!

I woke up this morning to the Today programme  (about 1hr 13min) discussing the latest Social Attitudes Survey  and it has been on my mind all day.

The key points discussed were that people are concerned about the inequalities and yet are increasingly tough on others. Self interest is prevailing,  eg we need housing but not near me, and especially so if I personally don't need it. And sympathy for those in need seems at a low ebb - people would cut benefits and reduce the taxes. Child poverty is blamed on the parents, unemployment is seen as a choice.

Are we becoming more selfish? In this time of recession and tightened belts it is natural that people's thoughts are inward - dealing with our own difficulties or the instability of worries takes up time and energy therefore we may have less sympathy left over to spare for others.

But to actually harden attitudes to those in need is worrying for our society, we need each other, interdependent.  And if we are supposed to be developing Big Society thinking whilst at the same time society attitudes are narrowing more than ever before - then the loss of the wider picture is going to be a major problem.

I do wonder if there is another dimension going on. Is the need to blame people for their own misfortune a pyschological safety net? In an insecure climate acknowledging that sudden change, such as redundancy followed by home repossession, could happen to anyone is a scary thing to live with. If you can put a reason on why it happens, and that reason is someone else's lack of effort and commitment, then you can reassure yourself that with all your effort it won't happen to you.

A similar dynamic may happen with depression and mental distress - the desire, or need perhaps, to separate out from the person affected, to find a reason why it is them and not you. 

On the radio discussion it was noted that as people have those close to them affected by unemployment, and trying to live on benefits then attitudes may well shift again, and as people deal with mental health issues in those close to them, they come to understand more - if never perfectly!

In the meantime, and as many struggle, lets all try to mind our attitudes, and when it comes to those who are different, mind the gap!

Getting active locally

In the last 2 weeks I have been at 2 events about local communities. One was a churchy discussion that included an attempt to explain the legislation about Big Society and the Localism Act – brain aching stuff, an attempt by government to involve the local communities in decision processes but I couldn’t see how the practicalities will add up.

Last Friday I was at a Village SOS day event in the area. Yes them of the TV shows about dramatic projects in a few communities, it was a posh conference centre do – free to delegates. As far as I gather Village SOS is a project funded by the Big Lottery Fund to promote social enterprise in communities.

It was a good day in many ways, we heard about the development of a community run shop in a church building, had workshops about practical matters and the chance to connect with other people. Frankly they were talking about projects that left me feeling way out of my depth – community businesses, for the benefit of the community but still needing a profit to exist, and a heap of legal info.

There were 4-5 of us there explicitly representing parts of the church and the place of churches as venues in communities was mentioned from the front and not only in the case of the shop in the church. However I felt that the church was part of the conversation about community resources as a building not as a congregation - as a group of active people. Yet scratch the surface and churchgoing people are active in all sorts of community initiatives.

The church as a community of faith has a part to play in the future of rural communities, but is that acknowledged formally, or is it happening more subtly individually – and does the difference matter? On one hand not, but equally the church as a group of people has a role, if we can find our voice. But it needs to be the voice of the local congregation – with increasing numbers of communities to work with the clergy can’t invest the leadership time in vast ventures, but what we can do is encourage and support those who live in the village to find their place.

Mind you I am conflicted about the demands of community action – will it add to the multi tier hierarchy of village life, where those who do have power in so many areas and those who don’t get active are seen as hangers on regardless of  personal circumstances? Will localism be democratic or feudal? Either way people of faith are in the midst of these places living out their values and beliefs in many different ways and on various sides of any debate.