Over the last few weeks I have been helping at the local village youth club - taking over from an Anglican colleague who has moved on to pastures new.
Let me state that again so you realise the significance -
I - me who was bullied and terrified of teens for years - am helping to run - by choice! - the local youth club - not the ordered school classes but ad hoc 'hanging out' teens - and learning to enjoy it
It was the bullying that set me on the road to depression and to be a suicidal teenager who avoided other teens then and for years after that. At the end of last term I faced a school year of 14/15 yr olds which was a huge hurdle and terrifying - and they had their teachers to keep them in order!
So coming home one day in August to a phone call asking if I would get involved in the youth club was a step further. I agreed to go on the committee, and of course needed to go along to know what we were dealing with - but I wasn't signing up to all Friday nights, no way, not for me. Yet 3 sessions later and I am committed, the other leaders are weary and need fresh blood, the teens have potential, and through the advice of an expert friend who visited us last week I have ideas and am encouraged that even I could do something meaningful.
I find my own way of relating - I took some craft along and chatted over the doing, it is not me to just 'hang with the gang' but over a bit of woodburning I get over the gap and fear and it is just sharing an interest together then without trying general chat happens.
This job brings me face to face with challenges that my instinct is to hide from and I find that either I am able to survive it, or do okay, or sometime to actually learn to enjoy what I previously feared. Only with an assurance of God with me do I dare to confront things, and sometimes survival is the highest goal available.
But I want to say that the cords that bind us can be broken, they do not need to define our whole life, even if they have shaped our past.
Does that mean I live a life of total victory and joy - no. Life is too complex for that, but I can celebrate the gains, rejoice in the upward shifts and pat my own back even as I thank God.
.
.
Thursday, 29 September 2011
Sunday, 18 September 2011
Re-writing the parables
I didn't preach a sermon today - instead I offered an alternative version of the reading from Matthew 20 v 1-16. My version reflects the experience of churches where generations have been missing and new recruits can't be found where they used to be. Culture has shifted and those looking for answers to the spiritual questions of life don't look to the church, so we have to meet them where they are. But I am positive about the future - if we can face the changes.
The parable of the workers in the vineyard reimagined –
For the kingdom of church is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire workers for his vineyard. He agreed with them a wage for the day and sent them into his vineyard.
About nine in the morning he went out and saw others standing in the marketplace doing nothing. He told them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.’ So they went.
He went out again about noon and did the same thing. The workers in the vineyard welcomed the arrivals and shared the work together, those who had worked since dawn could ease and rest in the heat of the sun whilst guiding the newcomers.
About three in the afternoon the landowner went out again to the market place, but found no waiting for him. All around were people busy in their lives, whether rushing along or loitering they didn’t lift their eyes to see him.
He returned to the vineyard alone, the workers wearied by the sun sigh and work on, weaker and slower.
About five in the afternoon he went out again to the market place, this time he sat in the cafe, he chatted in the post office. He returned to the vineyard, others with him.
The new people were enthusiastically welcomed, but they didn’t work in the same way as the others.
At the end of the day they were gathered together and those that had worked longer commented to the landowner that things were not being done as they were taught and had tried to teach.
The landowner gently smiled, ‘The vineyard is a place of change, from the pruned barren looking vines to times of greenery and times of grapes. Each season comes with losses, gains and most of all change, those who work the longest shift see the most change.’
The last will be first and the first will be last, seasons of dryness and seasons of fruit
Monday, 12 September 2011
Me, myself and I
Last week was particularly hectic both physically and emotionally so reaching the pause button today It has all ganged up on me. I still have the poster I used to have up at my desk in the office job several versions of me ago 'I try to take one day at a tine but several have attacked me at once'. Pretty well sums up today most of which was spent in bed with tired body and tired brain. Mostly that is my chronic fatigue reminding me that I need rest, but it does things emotionally too - as does a few glasses of wine after a stressful week. On one hand it relaxes me to sleep but also have a depressive effect of its own.
Today my limbs have been leaden and brain cotton wool. It was due to be a study day so only one thing on the agenda and I knew they could cope without me - didn't fancy my reactions speed on the road. But as night draws in I feel the loneliness. Part of that is reality - being home alone when feeling poorly sucks, and this job can feel lonely too; but part of it is the depression whispering. But what ever the cause it is real for the time it lasts, and if that time is when friends are busy at work it isn't great.
But I hold onto what I always hold onto - 'This too shall pass' maybe by morning, maybe not for a week, or even longer, but it will pass. I regularly drive across a high common with views into the valley where I live. Sometimes on that upper road you can see the mist and fog settled in the valley, down there I can't see my hand in front of my face, up here I see that the sun still shines. So I remember that in the valley - out there beyond this temporary fog the sun still shines.
And now I lay myself to sleep
I pray O Lord my soul to keep
Whatever I face when I awake
Guide me through for your name's sake
Today my limbs have been leaden and brain cotton wool. It was due to be a study day so only one thing on the agenda and I knew they could cope without me - didn't fancy my reactions speed on the road. But as night draws in I feel the loneliness. Part of that is reality - being home alone when feeling poorly sucks, and this job can feel lonely too; but part of it is the depression whispering. But what ever the cause it is real for the time it lasts, and if that time is when friends are busy at work it isn't great.
But I hold onto what I always hold onto - 'This too shall pass' maybe by morning, maybe not for a week, or even longer, but it will pass. I regularly drive across a high common with views into the valley where I live. Sometimes on that upper road you can see the mist and fog settled in the valley, down there I can't see my hand in front of my face, up here I see that the sun still shines. So I remember that in the valley - out there beyond this temporary fog the sun still shines.
And now I lay myself to sleep
I pray O Lord my soul to keep
Whatever I face when I awake
Guide me through for your name's sake
Days that change the world...
That was the focus of my sermon yesterday on the 10th anniversary of 9/11 alongside lectionary readings of the crossing of the red sea, and the Gospel passage on forgiveness. Before discussing the nature of forgiveness not being a denial of anger or of justice, and maybe needing a lifetime to work on I thought about the days that change our world.
There are moments that are such hinges that our lives divide into before and after, when things will never be the same again. Sometimes that happens on a world scale such as 9/11, when whatever we may think of the political decisions that followed we cannot deny that great shift from before to after. But more often it happens within our local world, our personal world - when it is turned upside down. I quoted from the Radio 4 Book of the Week slot which had different authors responding to 9/11, Thursday's was entitled Prepositions and opened with 'Your husband died in 9/11; my husband died on 9/11'. It highlighted that lives changed that day for other reasons too, as they do every day.
Prepositions
On the evening of 11 Sept 2011 I came home to facebook news of the death of Rev Dr Angela Shier-Jones. She was a significant voice in Methodist theology, a deep thinker, and always a friendly face. But for me she was one of our local preachers in my home circuit when I was growing up, and I remember her going to Bristol to train as a minister. Searching the web this morning for more information to pass back to my family about the news I found the blog she began when diagnosed with incurable cancer a year ago. In its heading she wrote -
There are moments that are such hinges that our lives divide into before and after, when things will never be the same again. Sometimes that happens on a world scale such as 9/11, when whatever we may think of the political decisions that followed we cannot deny that great shift from before to after. But more often it happens within our local world, our personal world - when it is turned upside down. I quoted from the Radio 4 Book of the Week slot which had different authors responding to 9/11, Thursday's was entitled Prepositions and opened with 'Your husband died in 9/11; my husband died on 9/11'. It highlighted that lives changed that day for other reasons too, as they do every day.
Prepositions
On the evening of 11 Sept 2011 I came home to facebook news of the death of Rev Dr Angela Shier-Jones. She was a significant voice in Methodist theology, a deep thinker, and always a friendly face. But for me she was one of our local preachers in my home circuit when I was growing up, and I remember her going to Bristol to train as a minister. Searching the web this morning for more information to pass back to my family about the news I found the blog she began when diagnosed with incurable cancer a year ago. In its heading she wrote -
Discovering that I have incurable cancer shattered my world. It showed me that at the most pivotal moments in our lives the Church fails us by being afraid to speak of God’s grace in pain and suffering and death. I am not. This is an unashamed, unafraid narrative of the work of God's grace in my life. It is not an apology for my suffering, or a religious excuse for my pain and death, it is my story of the joyous redemption of all that is needed to be fully human.
____________________________________________________
This spoke so much to my own desire that we are able to be honest in church life about the painful stuff, the angry stuff, the 'why me' and the 'why them'. When we can be honest about the pain then we can begin to look in it and through it to glimpse God's grace.
My school English teacher used to criticise us for using the word 'nice' - it wasn't a proper word she said, it doesn't have a true meaning, it is an excuse for not deciding what to say. And 'niceness' invades so much of our church life, a mixture of British politeness and a worry perhaps that honesty with all its rawness might somehow offend God, or if not certainly scare our neighbour in the pew.
So in memory of all whose lives are turned upside down (don't think that leaves anyone out!) lets stop being nice and start being real.
Rest well in his arms Angela.
Friday, 9 September 2011
Tainted money?
There are occasions when a gift is offered to the church from a controversial source - today I had one of those calls. It has triggered a lot of thoughts - beyond the details of this case.
What is 'tainted money' - is there such a thing? Perhaps the proceeds of crime, but what about extending that to the proceeds of sweat shop labour, or the arms trade, or a banker's bonus.
From my reflections through the day I have drawn a distinction between money generated through actions we consider dubious and money given by dubious sources but acquired through undisputed means.
Accepting a gift from the first could be seen as profiting from whatever dubious actions, and encouraging that action. There are very good reasons to step back from money in this context. Although on the other hand Salvation Army founder William Booth was often challenged about recieving inappropriate donations such as from a major brewery (being active temperance campaigners) or big business and is reported at various times to have commented 'Tainted money? 'T ain't enough money' and that he would 'wash it in the tears of widows and orphans'. In contrast the Sally Army of today refused the charity funds from the final edition of News of the World.
As for the second situation - and my dilemma today - it becomes a question as to whether money is tainted by whose hands it passes. No dubious process was involved in gaining the money, no-one hurt or demeaned or worse. I am being asked to judge the giver not the money - and who of us should cast the first stone. I don't vet who may slip a note onto the collection plate on a sunday, nor question how they came across that money. Yet I am required to seek advice on accepting this gift - knowing the source creates the responsibilty, a need to make an assessment, to consider what being associated with you would mean, the ethical position, the conclusions drawn, the statement it would make.
But you offered it with no strings, we don't have to agree with you, or do anything for you in return. Just as we are called to offer welcome to any and all without judgement, surely we should we willing to accept the gifts offered to us without labelling the givers as good, bad or ugly. Are any of us worthy or pure enough to bring a gift to God? And yet he welcomes us whoever we are, whatever we have done, and whatever we have to offer. Surely we are called to echo that welcome and love - and rejecting a freely given gift because we don't agree with you doesn't seem to fit.
In the end it will not be my decision, but that of the church leadership together, and with advice from my boss. But for today it has been the pondering.
What is 'tainted money' - is there such a thing? Perhaps the proceeds of crime, but what about extending that to the proceeds of sweat shop labour, or the arms trade, or a banker's bonus.
From my reflections through the day I have drawn a distinction between money generated through actions we consider dubious and money given by dubious sources but acquired through undisputed means.
Accepting a gift from the first could be seen as profiting from whatever dubious actions, and encouraging that action. There are very good reasons to step back from money in this context. Although on the other hand Salvation Army founder William Booth was often challenged about recieving inappropriate donations such as from a major brewery (being active temperance campaigners) or big business and is reported at various times to have commented 'Tainted money? 'T ain't enough money' and that he would 'wash it in the tears of widows and orphans'. In contrast the Sally Army of today refused the charity funds from the final edition of News of the World.
As for the second situation - and my dilemma today - it becomes a question as to whether money is tainted by whose hands it passes. No dubious process was involved in gaining the money, no-one hurt or demeaned or worse. I am being asked to judge the giver not the money - and who of us should cast the first stone. I don't vet who may slip a note onto the collection plate on a sunday, nor question how they came across that money. Yet I am required to seek advice on accepting this gift - knowing the source creates the responsibilty, a need to make an assessment, to consider what being associated with you would mean, the ethical position, the conclusions drawn, the statement it would make.
But you offered it with no strings, we don't have to agree with you, or do anything for you in return. Just as we are called to offer welcome to any and all without judgement, surely we should we willing to accept the gifts offered to us without labelling the givers as good, bad or ugly. Are any of us worthy or pure enough to bring a gift to God? And yet he welcomes us whoever we are, whatever we have done, and whatever we have to offer. Surely we are called to echo that welcome and love - and rejecting a freely given gift because we don't agree with you doesn't seem to fit.
In the end it will not be my decision, but that of the church leadership together, and with advice from my boss. But for today it has been the pondering.
Monday, 5 September 2011
Accepting the wounded ones... wounds and all
Have you noticed how some people want to fix everything and everybody? Sometimes you just want them to listen to your gripe of the day so you can get it out of the system, not for them to tell you how to solve the problem.
Amongst Christians this tendency to fix things/people can get spiritualised. Today I have had one of those encounters where acknowledging that I am still affected by my depression and other conditions led to the suggestion I should recieve prayer for healing.
Why do you think I need fixing? When I have been at my worst and in pain then yes, please pray for me in my pain, but I don't feel in need of fixing right now. Yes depression is still part of my life, but it is managed and although I have my moments my life is not generally impaired by it. Removing something that has been part of my whole adult life would be like trying to take away part of my personality, part of what makes me who I am.
I realise that this is hard for you to understand, you care and want me to be free of trouble - but we don't live protected from the strains of life, we all have vulnerabilities. Depression is one of mine, and I have come to accept myself as I am, your desire that I be fixed suggests that you don't accept me as I am, or that my vulnerability is somehow a failure. Does my ongoing situation challenge your neat faith that God brings us through all struggles so that we can sing of victory and joy, that bad times happen but get fixed. Sorry that this chipped plate is likely to stay chipped, it still works fine.
I know you would reach out in love to the wounded ones, offer love and care, but we need to be accepted wounds and all. Even after his resurrection, with a changed and restored body, Jesus still had his wounds. He was not ashamed of them, and we should not be ashamed of ours either.
(Now I believe that God has an interest in our lives, and I believe that at times this can be expressed in ways that defy explanation (the definition of a miracle) but I also live with the tension that these times are rare and we are left wrestling with the question of suffering in this world. It may be neater to either deny that God can/will do anything personal or to believe that he will always intervene to fix things, if we can work out the right way to ask. But the experience of people as I have observed it over the years doesn't allow for either of these, so the unknowing of the middle option is the only place left for me despite its discomfort.)
Amongst Christians this tendency to fix things/people can get spiritualised. Today I have had one of those encounters where acknowledging that I am still affected by my depression and other conditions led to the suggestion I should recieve prayer for healing.
Why do you think I need fixing? When I have been at my worst and in pain then yes, please pray for me in my pain, but I don't feel in need of fixing right now. Yes depression is still part of my life, but it is managed and although I have my moments my life is not generally impaired by it. Removing something that has been part of my whole adult life would be like trying to take away part of my personality, part of what makes me who I am.
I realise that this is hard for you to understand, you care and want me to be free of trouble - but we don't live protected from the strains of life, we all have vulnerabilities. Depression is one of mine, and I have come to accept myself as I am, your desire that I be fixed suggests that you don't accept me as I am, or that my vulnerability is somehow a failure. Does my ongoing situation challenge your neat faith that God brings us through all struggles so that we can sing of victory and joy, that bad times happen but get fixed. Sorry that this chipped plate is likely to stay chipped, it still works fine.
I know you would reach out in love to the wounded ones, offer love and care, but we need to be accepted wounds and all. Even after his resurrection, with a changed and restored body, Jesus still had his wounds. He was not ashamed of them, and we should not be ashamed of ours either.
(Now I believe that God has an interest in our lives, and I believe that at times this can be expressed in ways that defy explanation (the definition of a miracle) but I also live with the tension that these times are rare and we are left wrestling with the question of suffering in this world. It may be neater to either deny that God can/will do anything personal or to believe that he will always intervene to fix things, if we can work out the right way to ask. But the experience of people as I have observed it over the years doesn't allow for either of these, so the unknowing of the middle option is the only place left for me despite its discomfort.)
Thursday, 1 September 2011
New year's resolutions
Happy New Year!
As well as schools and colleges Sept is the start of a new Methodist church year too. This year I am starting out with a few resolutions -
1. To be organised and pro-active with the admin. Since I started I have been on the back foot, and the study disappearing under piles because I didn't have a system. At first in a new job you are not sure what system to set up to suit your way of working, and after that I was too busy fire fighting admin to get organised.
Therefore I set aside time in August to fight the paper acculmulation, separate out the important and set up a system ready for the new outslaught. And I am ready!!
2. To get a more healthy eating pattern. I tend to bundle through the day on snacks then realise I haven't eaten properly and end up eating a huge portion because I can't judge how much pasta etc and am hungry anyway. I have put on nearly 2 stone in 2 years in this job, so the healthy eating includes a diet....
3. To lose enough weight to fit back into clothes. (No list of new year's resolutions is complete without this one) Being a person who likes to see quick results I am half way through a month on a meal replacement scheme (Weight to go). It is making me eat at proper times during the day, and with pre-prepped meals it is easy and lazy to get that habit established. And very yummy meals too. So far I have already lost a few pounds and realising how much I need to change my portion sizes.
4. To get to bed earlier. Just because I am an owl not a lark doesn't mean 2 am is ok for me, Time to shift that body clock forward and rediscover how to function in the mornings. Not doing so well on this one, last night was in bed by 11pm but still 1am before asleep.
Basically all my resoultions are about control - being the one who is in charge of bits of my life rather than simply reacting to things around me, or the impact of lazy or bad habits. We all need to feel that at some level, having control over our lives is an aspect of freedom, and to be able to control your own inclinations and inner chaos is important for self esteem.
When my depression was at my worst I had no sense of control, emotions were just there whether I wanted to avoid crying or not, I had - or took - no control over the world around me. Stuff happens but you are not part of it or feel unable to stop the chaos, it is all so overwhelming. Like a study full of scattered papers - your life is in there but its too hard to face finding it amid the chaff.
Small successes, moments of control, are to be celebrated, resolutions made are often quickly broken, but daring to try is a huge achievement in itself.
Will my new resolutions help me through the year to come - yes I am sure they will, but that doesn't mean that the study will stay tidy.
So Happy New Year; Happy New Day.
As well as schools and colleges Sept is the start of a new Methodist church year too. This year I am starting out with a few resolutions -
1. To be organised and pro-active with the admin. Since I started I have been on the back foot, and the study disappearing under piles because I didn't have a system. At first in a new job you are not sure what system to set up to suit your way of working, and after that I was too busy fire fighting admin to get organised.
Therefore I set aside time in August to fight the paper acculmulation, separate out the important and set up a system ready for the new outslaught. And I am ready!!
2. To get a more healthy eating pattern. I tend to bundle through the day on snacks then realise I haven't eaten properly and end up eating a huge portion because I can't judge how much pasta etc and am hungry anyway. I have put on nearly 2 stone in 2 years in this job, so the healthy eating includes a diet....
3. To lose enough weight to fit back into clothes. (No list of new year's resolutions is complete without this one) Being a person who likes to see quick results I am half way through a month on a meal replacement scheme (Weight to go). It is making me eat at proper times during the day, and with pre-prepped meals it is easy and lazy to get that habit established. And very yummy meals too. So far I have already lost a few pounds and realising how much I need to change my portion sizes.
4. To get to bed earlier. Just because I am an owl not a lark doesn't mean 2 am is ok for me, Time to shift that body clock forward and rediscover how to function in the mornings. Not doing so well on this one, last night was in bed by 11pm but still 1am before asleep.
Basically all my resoultions are about control - being the one who is in charge of bits of my life rather than simply reacting to things around me, or the impact of lazy or bad habits. We all need to feel that at some level, having control over our lives is an aspect of freedom, and to be able to control your own inclinations and inner chaos is important for self esteem.
When my depression was at my worst I had no sense of control, emotions were just there whether I wanted to avoid crying or not, I had - or took - no control over the world around me. Stuff happens but you are not part of it or feel unable to stop the chaos, it is all so overwhelming. Like a study full of scattered papers - your life is in there but its too hard to face finding it amid the chaff.
Small successes, moments of control, are to be celebrated, resolutions made are often quickly broken, but daring to try is a huge achievement in itself.
Will my new resolutions help me through the year to come - yes I am sure they will, but that doesn't mean that the study will stay tidy.
So Happy New Year; Happy New Day.
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