Ok, so I went to the doctors’ on Friday, and being a drop in appointment I got whoever was available, which a doctor I had not seen before (and relatively new to the team). When I arrived in the area and signed up with the practice I had already been on Citalopram for a year, and other than when they upped my dose in the early months of the job there has been no review of my condition. I went myself at various times to review and it was just a case of ‘I’m managing ok but still have wobbly days’, ‘ok so carry on’.
So it was a shock to find – having dragged myself there and waited – that I was being asked for details about my condition, about possible triggers for the downturn etc. Initially I felt defensive and wished he would just give me the sick note and let me go home. But the truth is that for the first time in years I feel I have a doctor who is interested in my condition. He has changed my meds to Fluoxetine (Prozac) after saying that my higher dose citalopram should be giving me a better base line than I was describing, so if it wasn’t then it can’t be working as hoped.
He signed me off for 3 weeks, and ordered me to exercise everyday – enough to get heart pumping. Hmm less sure on that one, but as I have to go back in 3 weeks and am not good at missing homework excuses (always was a compliant swot) I will probably try.
Rest of Friday was taken up with looking at the diary and confirming what needs cover and who needs to be told I won’t be at events/meetings. A visit from a colleague to see how I am, and to pass on work info then flop to bed where I stayed all through Saturday.
So its Sunday, and pushed myself to get up and walk over to the leisure centre to find out about costs etc. I went during service time so I wouldn’t bump into any church folk – turns out that for all I have said about being happy to be open about having depression, that only applies when I can be seen to be successfully managing it. Being on sick leave feels like a failure of sorts – yet rationally I know that acknowledging my need for it is a positive thing. Emotions are such complicated things.
