Bullying - a curse beyond the playground

 Bullying is insidious. It is an attack by a thousand cuts. It belittles and undermines, it gradually wears the targeted person away until they are the shadow of who they once were.  Yet at the same time each action is seen as so small that alone they would not be considered significant. But cutting again and again causes deeper longer lasting wounds.

I cannot remember a time in school before I was singled out as someone to be teased.  There we go - words that undermine the intense power of bullying, 'just teasing', 'kids will be kids', 'it's only a joke'.

What decides who will be the focus of a bully? Someone different from the rest, someone perceived as weak, someone maybe seen as a threat that a bully wants to stop, it can be so many things. Maybe it also depends on the context of the bullying, childhood or adult, by those who should be your peers, or those with power over you.

Back to school, primary and secondary, right up to leaving the upper 6th. By then my year group bullies had either left or grown out of the worst, but younger year group lads had taken up the slack.

I wasn't beaten up, no bruises to show, and yes I am grateful for that, yet it also made it hard for me to complain or prove what was happening. It even made me feel I had no right to complain or be bothered.

Yet it is the verbal bruises that don't heal, 'no one will ever like you', 'no one will be your friend'. When you are told something day in and day out for years it gradually becomes your inner voice too. Even stones are worn away by the continual drops and flow of water.

Once a bully has the power then even things that would sound like a neutral act come with sinister messages. I clearly remember the day in my mid teens when this dawned on me. I had been encouraged to 'tell' on examples, but when a bully says hello to you in a way that is threatening, a reminder that they are there, the look in the eye etc.   But what can I report, that 'he said hello'?

And that brings us to bullying in the workplace, governments, or churches. Sometimes it is a targeted attack on individuals, sometimes it is an overall culture that is more indiscriminate in the aggression shown.

As with the Priti Patel, Home Office, case it takes great courage to speak out about bullying. You know that they will twist each individual cut, 'just banter', 'need to toughen up in this workplace', 'you are just being oversensitive' and the current fashionable one 'don't be such a snowflake'.

Yet again, as in so many contexts including too often the church, even with evidence accepted as valid no one has to take responsibility. In many organisations it is a case of no one wanting to rock the boat. In church contexts, which I see though those I know and also through union work, there is a lack of courage to challenge bullying behaviour even when it may have driven away several ministers in a row.  Or where a senior minister affects others.  Bullying can come from any side, and those targeted can be of any type.

There is malice intended in some cases, a deliberate targeting of someone or a certain group. But yes it can be unrecognised by even the bully themselves, this does not excuse behaviour and attitudes to others that consistently and significantly damages them.  If someone is left emotionally crippled and suicidal by your actions then you have responsibility for those actions, and those words.

And among the greatest lies ever taught to us as children 'sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never harm me'. 

The truth is 'stick and stones may break my bones but names can break the soul'. 

There are many reasons I despair at our current government, but standing up for someone who has been found through independent review to have used bullying behaviours, shouting and swearing at workers in her team, is definitely one of them. But then I know all too well that we in the church structures have a plank in our own eyes too.  And that is cause to weep. 

The deadly joke

It must have seemed a good idea at the time - try and kid your way into access to the the big royal baby story.  Not expecting to get through, and definitely not expecting a deadly result.

But the death of the nurse who answered the phone and put them through - Jacintha Saldanha - calls us all to take notice. In the track record of media pranks it was one of the milder ones, but what does it say about our society?

We are happy to tolerate jokes at others' expense but a prank on a friend who you know, and can assess how they might take it, is very different to invading the life of a stranger.  Had another nurse picked up the phone that day the whole story could be very different and without the tragedy. 

But we all need to be responsible for the power of our words, and that goes not just for the radio show but all who shared the story, all who added to the crowd pressure. It is one thing to feel humiliated about something that went wrong in work, another to know that people all around the world are talking about it.  It may have been an extra straw in a vulnerable life - but it was one big straw bale to land.

One of the biggest lies I was told as a child is 'Sticks and stones will break your bones but names can never harm you'. I have no idea who first told me this lie, but it was just there throughout my childhood of name calling and exclusion by classmates. But it was not anything to make a fuss about - it was only names after all, I wasn't being beaten up day by day so not really bullying....  Except it was, and the power of words to reach like lasers into the deepest parts of your soul and being is worse than the stratches of mere sticks and stones.  (Though they rarely come without the emotional abuse as well).

Any bully, and any who have been bullied, can know how even the apparently innocuous greeting can be imbued with layers of aggressive intimidation - but how do you report someone for saying hello to you?

Back to our radio prank, what seemed merely amusing to some, can have affects way beyond intentions - we cannot know the impact of our behaviour or words especially upon those whose lives we don't know.  So we all have responsibility to take care in how we interact.  We don't need to take the full responsibility for a lifetime's conditioning but we do have responsibility to keep a check on our own words and actions.

Doh, re, mi....

Today I had my first singing lesson.

A professional singing teacher and friend through the local Am Dram group (we were in a play together in the autumn) has taken me under her wing and offered to help me find my singing voice.  Apparently from today's session I have a big voice, which is a Good Thing but needs discipline.  (Or maybe I am just a noisy bossy type!)

I remember going with a group of us to sign up for the school choir which had just lost a lot of people leaving school and so weren't being fussy about who they took on.  After a couple of times I was asked to mime - I was bad, but worse than that I was enthusiastic and loud enough to drag those around me off piste too.

Yep, you did read that right - I wasn't asked to leave, they were keen enough to have bodies on stage, so I could stay if I mimed!  Didn't see the point of that and left of my own accord. Since then I have believed that I can't sing. Not the greatest problem in the world - I can't catch a ball either - but it does have an impact in this job. I have had funeral hymn solo moments, and it would be good to share new music with congregations but that takes enough confidence to lead it from the front. 

So having some faith in my voice would be helpful for work - but more than that it attacks the ideas I have which focus on all the things I can't do.  As a child/teen I was told by the bullies that I was ugly, and no-one would ever fancy me; I had been bulllied at first in primary school because of my speech therapy, and then told my attempts to sing were a distraction and to mime.  Is it any wonder that my confidence and self esteem were low!

We can go through adult life in a trimmed down version of ourselves - wings clipped by those ideas others put on us in our early days. Or we can gradually spread our wings and find that the bullied ugly duckling is actually a swan.

I stood in the music room today struggling to believe that I could have a trainable, useable singing voice - but if I dare to believe and work at it who knows what is possible? Okay so I might be a bit too busy for X factor or Pop/Opera Idol, but if I can reach the point of believing in myself and singing with confidence in church that will suit me fine.

So I will be practising my suppressed yawn (to get the 'open throat') and my posture, and if you hear a scream or shout it is just me finding my full volume and range!