Being in two minds - the voice of insecurity

Feeling vulnerable - my successor visited the churches yesterday. Like me it will be his first appointment as a minister following training, and I suppose a bit of me had been thinking about I had felt at the start.

The 5 years experienced me considering what the nervous new me would have liked to have known, not quite reached the idea of the old hand pegging out the safety net for the new kid on the block - but some confidence in myself.

Then we hear who has been allocated to come, and he visits, experienced business life, good rural knowledge, had lots of experience of different roles in church life, been a school governor..... and all the feedback is that he is likely to be good at the very things I have struggled with.  This is good for the churches and the strength of a regular change of minister - that we have different mixtures of gifts and weaknesses so the next one can balance things out.

It is great news for the churches, but another opportunity for the depressive insecurity to surface - not only does he sound better equipped than when I started out, the niggle starts to suggest he will be better even than the 5 years of learning and growing version of me.

I do know that I have a whole range of gifts, that people have appreciated my ministry here, and we have achieved some things together - it is just at the same time, in the same mind I have these thoughts of insecurity and falling short, that I have been just been muddling along and don't really know what I am doing.

How can it be possible to hold two opposing views in your head at the same time? I don't know, but it is something I have experienced for years.  It seems to be healthier than just believing the voice of negativity, but the positive knowledge is just not enough to drown them out.  This is my experience over many things, and I have been very low all autumn and into the winter.  Knowing that it is the illness not reality doesn't stop the emotions of uselessness and pointlessness, it reduces the risk of acting on those feelings but doesn't stop them settling in, stretching out on the sofa and picking what TV channel is playing - like an uninvited guest you can't get rid of.

Living with two minds seems to be my normal, and it can be hard work.  Days like this are a reminder that although I have left the uninvited guest in one room and got on with living elsewhere, they are still in my house and can make a big noise.