Being in two minds - the voice of insecurity

Feeling vulnerable - my successor visited the churches yesterday. Like me it will be his first appointment as a minister following training, and I suppose a bit of me had been thinking about I had felt at the start.

The 5 years experienced me considering what the nervous new me would have liked to have known, not quite reached the idea of the old hand pegging out the safety net for the new kid on the block - but some confidence in myself.

Then we hear who has been allocated to come, and he visits, experienced business life, good rural knowledge, had lots of experience of different roles in church life, been a school governor..... and all the feedback is that he is likely to be good at the very things I have struggled with.  This is good for the churches and the strength of a regular change of minister - that we have different mixtures of gifts and weaknesses so the next one can balance things out.

It is great news for the churches, but another opportunity for the depressive insecurity to surface - not only does he sound better equipped than when I started out, the niggle starts to suggest he will be better even than the 5 years of learning and growing version of me.

I do know that I have a whole range of gifts, that people have appreciated my ministry here, and we have achieved some things together - it is just at the same time, in the same mind I have these thoughts of insecurity and falling short, that I have been just been muddling along and don't really know what I am doing.

How can it be possible to hold two opposing views in your head at the same time? I don't know, but it is something I have experienced for years.  It seems to be healthier than just believing the voice of negativity, but the positive knowledge is just not enough to drown them out.  This is my experience over many things, and I have been very low all autumn and into the winter.  Knowing that it is the illness not reality doesn't stop the emotions of uselessness and pointlessness, it reduces the risk of acting on those feelings but doesn't stop them settling in, stretching out on the sofa and picking what TV channel is playing - like an uninvited guest you can't get rid of.

Living with two minds seems to be my normal, and it can be hard work.  Days like this are a reminder that although I have left the uninvited guest in one room and got on with living elsewhere, they are still in my house and can make a big noise.

Charlie, Nigeria and the lessons of a dog

How do we respond to gunmen in Paris and children used as bombs in Nigeria?

I offer the story of Gabi's week, Gabi my ex rescue dog.  She has been badly bitten in the past and wary of other dogs, so generally only off lead when we have the field to ourselves, though she has been getting better recently.

Monday enjoying exploring the field, checking the smells and a generally good time - when another free dog arrived with owner tagging behind.  The dogs met each other and whilst us humans were still at each side of the field the greeting sniff went to growls and fur was flying before we knew it.  We reached them and parted them - it was a spat for dominance no real aim to maim.

But next day, even on the lead, Gabi couldn't pass another dog without an instant growl - the fight had reinforced what she had long suspected, that other dogs are a threat, and presumes they are all enemies, so she gets in her defensive attack warning first 'don't mess with me'.

The trouble is that starting from the defensive attack, and indiscriminately, just increases the odds of another dog responding to her threatening behaviour - the self fulfilling prophecy effect.

So back to violence in our world, like the dogfight it gets us nervous, fearful but of whom? Just some, or all of the Other? And how can we tell? But the need to defend easily turns into proactive aggression.   Fear is powerful but can be destructive and doesn't wait for knowledge but spreads until we fear all, even those that would be friends.

Gabi can't reason beyond her fear and urge to fight back first.but we are more than that basic instinct, as people we can decide to do things differently - if we dare!