Meds on all change - one up and one down to out to replace with a shiny new one.
Currently I am either dopey or I'm munchy - at least when both together I don't have the omph to act on the munchies so not as bad for my weight. Grumpy and Sleepy are around too.
Anyway too dopey for own post but this is a very meaningful contribution from RidiculousVicar.
Yes people with no reason get depressed, yes Christians get depressed, even vicars.....
'if you prick us do we not bleed?'
.
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Wednesday, 17 September 2014
Tuesday, 2 September 2014
Too good at being bad* ??
I live with major depression. I suffer with competence, or at least being able to do a good impression of it. On the outside I look competent, so yes I make meetings, may even be in fresh clothes, but can take hours to psych up for sending basic email, and if you need a phone call...
I feel needy, or wrong, or just demanding. And if I didn't get your reply to my query I feel even worse about nagging.
But I can't do ill well enough either. I sound too together to the psych team, and if in work then... But that doesn't quite mean as they may think. Not neat office hours of coping, more spurts along the way.
So a new person to see, the plan from last one shelved, new plan, see you in 3 or 4 months. If it is still you not the next rotation, what will the next one say?
Meanwhile I muddle on, will have a month of staged withdrawal from one of my current meds - that is known to be tough so if cranky a month from now you know why (let alone the nausea etc). Then start on the 2nd drug that increases weight - from the munchies I think, for a month on starter and then up to full - so guard your cakes in Harvest Festival season and beyond
* Bad is Wenglish (South Wales speak) for being 'poorly', as in the clichéd "she's been bad in bed under d'doctor"
I feel needy, or wrong, or just demanding. And if I didn't get your reply to my query I feel even worse about nagging.
But I can't do ill well enough either. I sound too together to the psych team, and if in work then... But that doesn't quite mean as they may think. Not neat office hours of coping, more spurts along the way.
So a new person to see, the plan from last one shelved, new plan, see you in 3 or 4 months. If it is still you not the next rotation, what will the next one say?
Meanwhile I muddle on, will have a month of staged withdrawal from one of my current meds - that is known to be tough so if cranky a month from now you know why (let alone the nausea etc). Then start on the 2nd drug that increases weight - from the munchies I think, for a month on starter and then up to full - so guard your cakes in Harvest Festival season and beyond
* Bad is Wenglish (South Wales speak) for being 'poorly', as in the clichéd "she's been bad in bed under d'doctor"
Back home. Now where were we?
I had planned lots of deep and insightful blogs from a whole range of my experiences in North Carolina, but day to day plodding and still having ups and down to manage meant I didn't get around to that.
Now I am home, have been for a couple of weeks, and just about getting used to that - suddenly it is September and the season of frantic activity begins again. End of year accounts for churches are being compiled, new plans being made, team meetings etc. And this year the planning for ministers moving, including me.
What do we say about the churches and communities I serve as the profiles are put together, where we are, where we would like to be, what skills and gifts will help us on that journey? I put my profile together before I left for America, slept on for 6 weeks and then submitted.
It all concentrates the mind on what ministry is about - what I will be leaving and how someone with different gifts could take things onwards. And what is it that I will take with me to the next appointment next September.
My time in North Carolina was very affirming, I got to know the church folk fairly well with seeing them several times a week, and I left with compliments in my ears and in cards to read again. Yet I still feel overwhelmed and doubt that I have the abilities and gifts to meet the needs, or even to cope.
This week I have been involved in confirming arrangements for the district synod with workshops around mental health issues - I have been in denial that I am down to lead one of them. I also had a reminder/update email for a 10 min slot telling the story of one of my churches in a conference on rural churches. It sounds like I have something to say, to offer - but all it has been has been me muddling through. I have grand ideas but wouldn't know how to cope if they came to be.
I know partly it is normal and partly it is the depression, but I feel so inadequate, and as I face the process of deciding where next, and with a frustrating appointment with (another) new junior psychiatrist leaving me wondering if there will be improvement over the next hill after all, it all feels so hard. I can do what I did in America, but that was free from all the other expectations, and practicalities.
For now time to walk Gabi - having not had enough time out with her over last couple of days. Feel that I am not even good enough for that. Then get guilty for moaning when others face so much more. Ho hum, well settle for a walk on the common - hoping that Gabi can run free without embarrassing me in front of the other dog walkers with very obedient pets.
Now I am home, have been for a couple of weeks, and just about getting used to that - suddenly it is September and the season of frantic activity begins again. End of year accounts for churches are being compiled, new plans being made, team meetings etc. And this year the planning for ministers moving, including me.
What do we say about the churches and communities I serve as the profiles are put together, where we are, where we would like to be, what skills and gifts will help us on that journey? I put my profile together before I left for America, slept on for 6 weeks and then submitted.
It all concentrates the mind on what ministry is about - what I will be leaving and how someone with different gifts could take things onwards. And what is it that I will take with me to the next appointment next September.
My time in North Carolina was very affirming, I got to know the church folk fairly well with seeing them several times a week, and I left with compliments in my ears and in cards to read again. Yet I still feel overwhelmed and doubt that I have the abilities and gifts to meet the needs, or even to cope.
This week I have been involved in confirming arrangements for the district synod with workshops around mental health issues - I have been in denial that I am down to lead one of them. I also had a reminder/update email for a 10 min slot telling the story of one of my churches in a conference on rural churches. It sounds like I have something to say, to offer - but all it has been has been me muddling through. I have grand ideas but wouldn't know how to cope if they came to be.
I know partly it is normal and partly it is the depression, but I feel so inadequate, and as I face the process of deciding where next, and with a frustrating appointment with (another) new junior psychiatrist leaving me wondering if there will be improvement over the next hill after all, it all feels so hard. I can do what I did in America, but that was free from all the other expectations, and practicalities.
For now time to walk Gabi - having not had enough time out with her over last couple of days. Feel that I am not even good enough for that. Then get guilty for moaning when others face so much more. Ho hum, well settle for a walk on the common - hoping that Gabi can run free without embarrassing me in front of the other dog walkers with very obedient pets.
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