Today was sent the link to this blog which asks for prayer for pastors/ministers/ revs etc reminding us and others of our own humanity and frailty. I decided to google for the story that had prompted it. A story of a North Carolina pastor's suicide - some of the links were plain news reports whilst others like this one have a comments thread that both saddens and appals me.
This was a big church setup with multiple pastors, the dead man being the senior. It came as a shock to everyone but a scan through the comments remind why it would have been hard for him within a certain theological culture to admit to struggles. I am sure a diagnosis of cancer would have had sympathy and others covering his work whilst off sick - but despair that can reach suicidal levels is not as 'safe' to admit to.
I am grateful to be in the place I am, with those who care and recognise my problems as illness not a sign of faithlessness or that I am hellbound. But reminded how important it is for the churches to talk about mental health, to deal with it as an issue.
I will be spending the summer in North Carolina - maybe I will have something to give to debate there, or I maybe with those who already get it, American church life is varied not always fitting the images we sometimes get.
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Monday, 21 April 2014
An Easter journey - no sudden joy
It's Good Friday, well so my diary tells me. I have felt nothing in the Holy Week journey, well nothing holy and religious anyway. I have felt low, hiding away from the world, yet needing to not be totally alone - so busy on forums of people who understand.
What I do feel is like the old joke of someone being woken up to go to school and saying they don't want to - only to be told the have to, they are the teacher! Yes I am the one who is supposed to stand up the front and lead others but have no sense of caring or meaning.
__________
Well now it is the day after the empty tomb, and I preached on the confusion of the disciples and the loss of their hopes with the crucifixion, and deliberately chose the original ending of Mark's gospel which stopped with the women, finding the tomb empty and an angel telling them 'he is risen', flee telling no-one. A realistic first response I think, even if later they did say something, we humans don't like ending a story like that though and a new ending to the gospel added early on, with Jesus appearing and telling them to go make disciples etc.
It was not a straightforward Sunday's here and he's alive, so that's ok then - all the trauma and stress of the previous week is forgotten and all is wonderful. Don't get me wrong, it is full of hope and new life, but it took the people around Jesus time to get their heads around, so its ok not to feel joyful on Easter Day itself - we are all on journeys.
Thanks Simon M for pointing me to this from a vicar not far away -
'But Easter is NOT a 'happy ending'. Jesus still has the scars of crucifixion, still remembers the betrayal and denial, the torture and the agonising death. Everything has changed, even when it appears to be the same. He is back with his friends and they still love each other, but there is a space in their loving that will forever be a scar; a beautiful scar that speaks of love, but a scar nonetheless. Even though Mary has her Jesus back after the agony of losing him, she can't hold onto him forever. Even though Peter is given the chance to put things right after denying him, he will spend the rest of his life making sure he never lets him down again.
It's no more of a happy ending than any story of a marriage begun again after infidelity, or the painful new life after bereavement. But in this story that has come to be called The Easter Story, is a great truth; that it is only when we become lost that we can be found, when we know real fear that we are truly brave and when our hearts have been broken, that we can really love.
When the story of Easter meets our own stories, nothing is ever the same again, but we carry on living; wounded but whole, lost but found, broken-hearted but lovers.'
What I do feel is like the old joke of someone being woken up to go to school and saying they don't want to - only to be told the have to, they are the teacher! Yes I am the one who is supposed to stand up the front and lead others but have no sense of caring or meaning.
__________
Well now it is the day after the empty tomb, and I preached on the confusion of the disciples and the loss of their hopes with the crucifixion, and deliberately chose the original ending of Mark's gospel which stopped with the women, finding the tomb empty and an angel telling them 'he is risen', flee telling no-one. A realistic first response I think, even if later they did say something, we humans don't like ending a story like that though and a new ending to the gospel added early on, with Jesus appearing and telling them to go make disciples etc.
It was not a straightforward Sunday's here and he's alive, so that's ok then - all the trauma and stress of the previous week is forgotten and all is wonderful. Don't get me wrong, it is full of hope and new life, but it took the people around Jesus time to get their heads around, so its ok not to feel joyful on Easter Day itself - we are all on journeys.
Thanks Simon M for pointing me to this from a vicar not far away -
'But Easter is NOT a 'happy ending'. Jesus still has the scars of crucifixion, still remembers the betrayal and denial, the torture and the agonising death. Everything has changed, even when it appears to be the same. He is back with his friends and they still love each other, but there is a space in their loving that will forever be a scar; a beautiful scar that speaks of love, but a scar nonetheless. Even though Mary has her Jesus back after the agony of losing him, she can't hold onto him forever. Even though Peter is given the chance to put things right after denying him, he will spend the rest of his life making sure he never lets him down again.
It's no more of a happy ending than any story of a marriage begun again after infidelity, or the painful new life after bereavement. But in this story that has come to be called The Easter Story, is a great truth; that it is only when we become lost that we can be found, when we know real fear that we are truly brave and when our hearts have been broken, that we can really love.
When the story of Easter meets our own stories, nothing is ever the same again, but we carry on living; wounded but whole, lost but found, broken-hearted but lovers.'
Wednesday, 2 April 2014
Trigger points
It was nothing much, my poorly worded email prompted a stroppy response from a stressed person. But despite my gracious (I hope) reply the effect on me was huge. First was batting away the tears, then came the anger, and boy did that come. The long drive passed quickly though as the emotions pulsed through my whole body.
Of course the depth of emotion was nothing to do with the minor matter that triggered it, it was like digging it the garden and hitting a huge oil geyser that shoots up to the skies. It was tapping into some old wounds that have been stirred up by looking back to a difficult time a few years ago. Anger that had no outlet to those who had caused the wounds, so it bubbles up against those I can react to.
Realising the roots of the big emotions I felt anger at myself for still having that vulnerability, yet does that mark my humanity? That I am still capable of caring enough to hurt. Sunday was Mothering Sunday - a tricky day to preach, either we get over sentimental and risk ignoring those for whom it is a difficult day, or brush over and dodge the topic. I spoke on the 1 Cor 13 passage about love - an image of perfect love. Then I talked about how we mess up our attempts of love, and others mess up in loving us before offering my own version -
'Love is messy, love is raw, it does not come with a guide book, it does not control. It is vulnerable, it is tough, it keeps no record of ‘the answers’ because they change with every person. It holds safe and it lets go. It always hurts, it always struggles, but mostly love simply is.'
Life is messy when vulnerable to triggers, and especially when it overlaps and not all that person's fault, but I would rather risk hurt to know love and all the messiness of human relationships than let the hurts make me shut myself away from it all.
Of course the depth of emotion was nothing to do with the minor matter that triggered it, it was like digging it the garden and hitting a huge oil geyser that shoots up to the skies. It was tapping into some old wounds that have been stirred up by looking back to a difficult time a few years ago. Anger that had no outlet to those who had caused the wounds, so it bubbles up against those I can react to.
Realising the roots of the big emotions I felt anger at myself for still having that vulnerability, yet does that mark my humanity? That I am still capable of caring enough to hurt. Sunday was Mothering Sunday - a tricky day to preach, either we get over sentimental and risk ignoring those for whom it is a difficult day, or brush over and dodge the topic. I spoke on the 1 Cor 13 passage about love - an image of perfect love. Then I talked about how we mess up our attempts of love, and others mess up in loving us before offering my own version -
'Love is messy, love is raw, it does not come with a guide book, it does not control. It is vulnerable, it is tough, it keeps no record of ‘the answers’ because they change with every person. It holds safe and it lets go. It always hurts, it always struggles, but mostly love simply is.'
Life is messy when vulnerable to triggers, and especially when it overlaps and not all that person's fault, but I would rather risk hurt to know love and all the messiness of human relationships than let the hurts make me shut myself away from it all.
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