When I needed a neighbour were you there?

So goes the school hymn, and goes through a range of situations  asking 'were you there?'  'And the creed and the colour and the name don't matter were you there?' comes the chorus.

This comes to mind with an email today from someone about a church member they have visited today, reporting that this person, unable to get out of the house, is disappointed that I haven't been round.

It is not an unreasonable request, after some time in convalescence care beyond our patch she has been home for a couple of weeks now. And it would be just half an hour, to show she is remembered.  'Were you there?'

These are the moments when I feel such a failure as a minister, and as I type my eyes are leaking.  But she and the others I constantly let down don't see that, they don't know about the moments when I am about to phone but realise it is too late, or any other good intentions.

Yes it is true that pastoral visiting is not just for me, and I know of those who are calling on people. And I know that my list of reasons why I didn't get there all this week despite planning to - including depressive fatigued duvet days - are valid and not just the lame excuses I think they sound to others.

But ...  I am not naturally a pastoral visiting person, and I know this is my weakest point. It is the thing I would have top of my 'drop list' when time and energy are squeezed. And because of that it is also where my conscience is most vulnerable to criticism, because it lands on my own self criticisms so it is a double whammy right where I have least objectivity and perspective.

I will visit, and she will get over her disappointment that it has taken so long, and the sun will rise and set and the days go on.  And when I am not tired from having been out all day for last 3 days I will not get weepy over a 'just so you know' email.

For now, it is a stiff drink and bed. Tomorrow is another day.

Labels...

'My name's Helen and I'm.....'

Fill in the gap according to context - single, minister, Gabi's owner, late, lost, depressive ....

Labels are useful, it is a shortcut to what you need to know, or have others know about you. Yes  I am /am not the person you need to speak to. This and not that is why I am here talking to you.

They can be affirming - 'My name's Helen and I'm ordained'
After years of delays, and illness, and times when I thought it would never happen it was a good feeling to reach that point.

They can be releasing - 'My name's Helen and I'm a depressive'
I remember when months after my breakdown 5 yrs ago and finally at the doctors for help someone officially wrote the D word.  I came home strangely happy to have the label, 'I'm not loosing it I'm depressed'  - I wanted to to tell everyone about it.  Oddly looking back over journals of the time, even months before 'crash day' I was referring to being in a depression, and to previous years when similar had happened.  So why it was so significant the day the doctor used I don't know, but it was like a release, permission to declare I was ill person, rather than a failed human.

For others though a diagnostic label is something to be feared within mental health. Conditions are not as neatly measurable as many aspects of physical health are, people are moved between diagnoses as the experts try to work out which label fits best.  And people don't fit in neat boxes - mental health diagnoses have a habit of ending up as x with a hint of y and aspects of a and b - we are all on a spectrum. Well lots of them really - multi dimensional axes covering the many aspects of life.  But labels put us into categories, and categories can divide.  Labels can feed stigma and discrimination.  How many sick notes sent to workplaces have referred vaguely to 'stress' rather than depression to avoid the official label going on file?

Yet, I recall from biology days how important classification is in trying to understand - seeing what is similar between some things and different from others.  And as I am exploring aspects of my depression that might give me an added 'hint of' label that is how I see it.  I won't have changed, treatment probably won't, but the label would help me understand myself better and maybe cope with the ebb and flow of depressive life.

 

   

Compare the (ministerial) market - self doubt

I can handle being minister of little churches in rural communities, I like the fact that I can be a significant fish in a limited sized pond. (I remember that image being used for the speech as we left primary school – that we were going from being the big fish in a small pond to be the small fish in a bigger pond).  That is not meant in a pride or power way, but it does open doors of opportunity and a chance to engage even though I am not really a big fish.

Sometimes when I meet with other ministers in different situations, overseeing big church sites with major social projects and employees, I feel inferior. I am so far from the ability to handle and be what they need to be, and yet technically we are considered the same. We receive the same stipend, and at this time of year when a proportion of the Methodist ministers in Britain await the proposed matches from stationing (our sending process linking those due to move with circuits/churches with vacancies) I am aware ministers are essentially considered equal in the process, although as individuals.

Next year it could be me in the stationing merry go round – what if I were asked to do the sort of role some of my colleagues face in those big churches, and community projects?  I couldn't do it, and so when I hear about their experiences and issues I feel a failure as a minister because I couldn't do what would be asked of me in their place. In my head I know that is the voice of insecurity and the aggressive voice of depression – but the emotions are the same even though I know all that.

I am left feeling that I have an easy life with my group of churches, not that rural ministry and mission is a doddle, but compared to colleagues with many more churches, or the big scary project churches, it feels me-sized.  It is just that me-sized feels inadequate.  I am sure that they wouldn't ask me to do and be what I can’t – and not even due for a shuffle yet – but still feel inferior compared to others.

This was typed yesterday, today a chat with a friend also in the job, and also prone to the ‘useless’ voices from depression reminded both of us that we fit where we are.  Doesn't fully quash the doubts but makes them manageable.

Home alone - or dragged around?

I have been concerned around leaving Gabi the dog home alone - my comings and goings don't fit any regular rhythm for her to learn when to expect me home, when I will be out for an hour or for 4 hours. Sometimes I don't know myself.  When I am home she still tends to lie around not doing much - does she need stimulation? Is she worried when home alone? It is the only time she does things she knows I don't approve of - taking things from the kitchen worktops etc. Is it a protest action?

So I have been taking her with me when I can, especially for the longer days - but sitting around whilst I am painting in the church hall, or through church councils, or having lots of attention for being cute and lovely at the church hall celebration.  Is this more stressful for her? Unpredictable places, sometimes crowds, sometimes confined to a smaller space than she would at home.

Which is best for her?

And separation anxiety - when out with me people say how she is concerned when I disappear into another room or back to car etc, is that because it is not home? Or does she feel like that at home too- hence the food stealing protests?  And yet when I am around she just lies down or sleeps near but its not like she is on my lap (that would be a challenge) or snuggled up close.  And when out for a walk and let off the lead to explore the common or the woodland she doesn't look back or even respond to my voice - yes a training issue, 'bye bye Gabi' is quite effective for getting her to come back to me though.

So how to be a good Doggy Mummy??

Full of seeds from a woodland run

Celebrating the dream - church hall changes unveiled

Some days in this job are a joy - and Saturday was one of those moments. At my first church council at Cleobury when I arrived just over 4 years ago people were downcast about an under used hall with several thousand pounds of maintenance needed - was spending what we don't have on a hall that is not used justified? Over the years a link with the local youth project (born out the parish church but run independently now) and welcoming them into the hall opened doors for funding to cover the vital maintenance to the roof and windows.  Then fundraising and another grant replaced the fraying grey carpet with years of spills with part carpet tiles and a non-slip 'messy friendly' section.  We were happy with that.

Electricity is the biggest running cost - being off the gas network, and not used enough for storage heaters, the on-demand electric heating is pricey. But the church site, and the angles of the hall roof might have been designed for solar panels.  And so I suggested, nudged, encouraged the congregation and they agreed to their minister's mad idea and amid conversations where they decided that there was a long term future for the church being there despite limited numbers at the moment voted to take out loans to install solar PV.

No cats harmed by being swung here!

The original entrance and kitchen

Avoiding grants for that work we have loans with a pay back time half of the break even date for the panels, so have a challenging fundraising target beyond running costs every year.  Not a time to consider any more projects for a while - then the email arrived, would we let the local housing association renew our kitchen in support of the youth project's work?  Who says no to a new kitchen? After a year of paperwork and planning South Shropshire Housing Association sent a team in to not just provide new kitchen units but to build new walls as we enlarged the kitchen into a workable space.  All in aid of developing a regular youth drop in - The Hub, but with benefits for all hall users and possible future mission and community use.

A kitchen is one thing but the old cooker wouldn't suit the new finish and so it was back to funders for support for the church and the youth project for kitting out the kitchen, cafe seating, pool table, changes to lighting and an integrated speaker system (the youth leader is a trained electrician so knew what he wanted and the contacts for deals, as well as spending a lot of time in the very low loft cavity putting them in!)

After a late summer of building work, and the slow process of volunteer painting the finished look was unveiled to the community on Saturday 2nd Nov, and The Hub officially launched.  The usual youth nights being added to with 3 after school sessions, one with homework support. The youth leader also works with the local school and there will be integrated referral and support.

Now the next step for us as the church is to sift through the cloud of ideas about how to use the shiny new kitchen and the refreshed hall when it is not needed for The Hub in creative ways with other christians in the town to serve our community and share God's love.

Saturday though was simply a day of celebration (the left over tweaks forgotten for the day) and I caught a few pictures when I arrived first before the crowds arrived and I was too busy for photography!

Yes, a good day - a dream reaching reality, and now the real work begins!