Last month at the Bible study group on John's gospel we reached the section where Jesus visits a gathering place of the ill and infirm and asks one of them if he wanted to be well.
This question came back to me this week at my counselling session. A roleplaying way of releasing the emotions from the school bullying which is the root of my emotional self doubt and fears was suggested as 'treatment' from next week. Being in a Christian context faith and forgiveness would be drawn into it too.
My reaction was not good, the confidence the counsellor has in this being a way to free me from the emotional burdens felt simplistic to me. I know that the insight about how it affects my thinking has enabled me to challenge the bad self talk, I don't mentally leap to ideas about being a failure, useless etc I mentally know better. However the emotions still go through the cycle. That is partly why I was hesitant about more talking therapy being any use especially if based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, training my mind I felt was not likely to add any tricks to deal with the emotional reflexes.
This proposal of my counsellor feels uncomfortable, is this the reaction to a challenging request, to the thought of putting myself back in time emotionally? Or is it my sense that the concept feels too straightforward to be real?
Jesus asked the man if he wanted to be healed, he didn't rush with an enthusiastic yes but tried to explain why he hadn't got to the healing waters in the past 30 odd years. Jesus told him to stand, pick up his bed and walk. Just get up, so simple and yet so difficult, to believe enough to try, to move those muscles withered by unused for many years... 'Do you want to get well?'
Do I want to get well? In the midst of the darkness and lows yes of course I want to break free, but in the better days, when depression is just a light limp it feels so much part of me, like shoes that have formed around your foot from regular wear. Do I want to be well? Do I want to wipe out a part of who I am?
Not sure yet what my response will be at next week's session with the counsellor, do I dare to do this in the hope it will take away the times of pain, doubt it will have such impact anyway, or decide that whilst I am happy to get emotions better managed I am not yet ready to let go of this part of my identity - maybe out of fear of what, if any, identities might be left afterwards.
Prayers. I agree; being healed is not as straightforward an option as one might think. But it is a good thing to be freed from pain and fear. Letting go of the "devil you know" doesn't always mean replacing it with the "one you don't know"....
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