Weebles - lets stand proud, fight for wobblers rights

Today I have been like a weeble pushed right over – left all of a wobble and unstable in my depression.  It is another episode in the saga that is my car bump last month that has been the trigger this time, but you don’t need to know about that.

More important is the morning I spent in Birmingham yesterday at a resourcing event for Time to Change – the group behind the ‘Dave from Accounts’ adverts whose aim is to challenge the stigma and discrimination around mental health issues. We discussed the importance of breaking the taboo, the conspiracy of silence. 

I have felt that this has become a part of my calling – as a person, though as a church minister I have openings to speak out that I wouldn’t have otherwise.  I am researching faith and depression in order to raise the issue and create a place for stories to be heard, valued and to recognise the gifts and insights that we people of faith and depression bring.

And there is a real need for attitudes to be challenged, people should feel free to ‘come out’ as mentally unwell, and free to be silent if they choose. But forced silence out of fear is all too common. When I wrote in the village magazine about being off sick with depression it had a powerful impact, but I cringe when people tell me how brave I was to write it.  It shouldn’t need bravery to say I am unwell, I need help and your care. And as long as it does people will be slow to get support and more likely to reach full blown crises that need never have happened.

At the Time to change event we were told the results of surveys that show that the experience of stigma and feared stigma was – for a very high percentage – as bad as or worse than the mental health symptoms. And frankly the symptoms are more than enough to cope with without the extra hassle.

Over the last 24 hours since returning from the Birmingham event I have lurked in an internet conversation about self-discrimination – when we feel so guilty about taking time off for something as un-tangible as mental health concerns that we try to do what we are not capable of managing. Most of us would not put the same pressure on ourselves if it was a physical illness.  I have chatted to someone about discrimination in work because their mental health is considered irrelevant although physical matters would be accommodated. And I have heard about someone I need to visit who is in need of support but has been so stigmatised and rejected over the years because of poor mental health that it is very hard to acknowledge their need for support and they are incredibly isolated.

Add in my own wobbliness and it has been a Weebles World all round this week (and its only Wednesday!) It is Time to talk, time for the Weebles’ voices to be raised and heard...

Crash, forms, wobbles

It is 10 days since my car nudged another as we both rounded a bend on a country lane in opposite directions.  Since then I have had to get used to a hire car with too many gadgets, and try to negotiate a pile of different strands of paperwork.

What happened to picking ourselves up and brushing ourselves down after minor incidents of life and being grateful for what didn't happen? In the midst of the hours of phone calls repeating the details a leading question about a stiff neck triggered an unwanted stream of paperwork about my 'personal injury claim' complete with medical appointment dates.  It seems however many times I say I am not injured and have not authorised a claim file being opened I am not heard - finally on Thursday, a week after the event I thought I had got through to them in words of one syllable that I did not, do not and will not be pressing a claim for a non-injury. Even then I had a call back on Friday to ask why!

I am resigned to losing no claims and that it is an accident that will be split liability - or knock for knock as some call it. it seems the other side is hoping to claim otherwise. Friday's post came with a copy of their paperwork, they have opted for the injury claim and in their version of the story make it my fault rather than a 'just happened'.  On one level they would say that wouldn't they? And my insurers were clear when I called about it that it would be 50/50. But that didn't stop me going off into a wobble.

It triggered my 'useless' wobbles, doubting myself as a driver, about my decisions, feeling at fault for even being a share in an accident - in other words feeling a failure for an imperfection. It gets in my head and circles round and round, feeling poorly with a cold brewing didn't help me fight it. Round and round until like being dizzy you can't sense which is the right way up. And then you get the feedback effect of getting 'useless' wobbles for getting the wobbles in the first place.

Today although being full of cold and tired I don't have the big wobbles. A night of sleep, and a new day with sun shining have made a huge difference. And the fact that those are enough to calm the wobbles show how much better I am than a few months ago when I had to go off work.

I just wish the wobbly days didn't come - but maybe to lose them would also be to lose the high days too, the excited moments, the inspired moments. We only know the pleasure of the sun's warmth in contrast to the cold; or the cool of the breeze as relief to burning humidity. Still Don't like the cold mind you!!

Digital too far??

Currently on my drive is a shiny, scary, hire car.  (My own car is off at the garage having 'kissed' another in the country lanes). It is scary because it is bigger than I have driven before, but mostly because it has so many more buttons, and even the handbrake is replaced by a digital button - and that feels like a button too far.

I love that I work in the computer age, the easy access to resources and being able to contact friends far off, sharing photos and stories.  I can rustle up posters and displays easily, and I don't need to have neat writing or to touch type in order to send a tidy letter.

On the other hand I am a long way from being a digital native, and I can be a bit of a Luddite.  With digital things you cannot see how they work and I did have a habit as a child of dismantling things to see how they fitted together or worked.  That curiosity hasn't ever left me and sometimes I think the security of being able to see something working is reassuring. And a button handbrake just doesn't do it for me! 

I like the physicality of lifting the manual one, you can see from its position whether it is on or off, you know you have done it, it feels definite.  A button with a light on the dash feels less certain, did it work when I pressed it or not? Can I trust it?

So yes, my Luddite tendency is confirmed - I value the hands-on, the real book even though ebooks can be good for travelling lighter. Or maybe it is a control thing - if I can see how it works I feel better able to trust it.  But life is not straightforward, and I can't control everything, or even most things - so must trust the unseen.

Maybe that is a lesson in faith - 'blessed are those who believe without seeing'.  Still I think I will be sticking with the hand brake rather than the digital parking button, and hope my car is back soon!