Weary

Blogs are like buses - two come together!

Today I am admitting my wobbles over the past couple of weeks. I live with the shadow of chronic fatigue as well as depression. Generally I do well on activity levels, as long as I also rest a lot. Lately though I have got more and more fatigued. Despite a few days off I am still needed rest as much as possible through the day. Today I am up and dressed but other days I have dealt with emails, and planned sermons whilst still in bed. And yet I am still awake at 1am - not a good sign.

But then there is the depression - it has not come on me heavily but the 2 conditions feed off each other and I can feel the greyness and wonder how much of the inertia is depression and how much is fatigue. Sometimes it feels very clear which is which - the difference between when my body wants to but can't and when it can but doesn't want to.

I can do quite a few tasks when in this mixture of fidgety mind and weary body - but not the ones that have been piling up on the intray since this patch started.  I have studies to do as part of my role as a probationer minister, I have chosen the subject, and I am positive about getting it done, yet can't get my mind around the actual work.

Do I need to face it down with stubborness? Today I have spent in the room with my books and notes and started to think, but then had brain flop and now feel more frustated than if I had tried - I guess before I could pretend it was just tiredness, but now I know that it is the depressive kind of brain fog.

I am also finding people hard work - not good in a job that is about people! And I have been glad when people haven't been in when I called on them. The social energy is just not there at the moment, not for one to one, or if I need to lead the conversation.

Depression isn't just about those acute days, or the big breakdowns, it can be the invisible lead weight in the midst of otherwise normal life, where it looks fine to others and things are done, but they don't know how much more it cost you. The same goes for those living with constant pain or other invisible 'limps' in life.

And that's all for now, need to rest before a meeting tonight.