To what am I called? Being and/or doing

Following my last post I looked out this piece which I wrote when dealing with training for ministry and a depressive breakdown. I had gone to a weekend gathering reflecting on being in church and how those with impairment are a gift and not merely recipients of ministry.

This was my reflection on calling - to be or to do?

Calling

To what am I called?

    Called to be a minister

    Not to do ministry - though I will

In a hectic, speeding, work hard, play hard world

Called to be the stillness

To show another rhythm

Making God spaces.

To what am I called?

    Called to be a disciple

    Not to do churchy stuff - though I will

In a world that wants all the answers and wants them now

Called to be on a journey

Following and learning

Step by step

To what am I called?

    Called to be - simply be

    I am not what I do - though I do much.

Whatever the world may expect or demand of me

Called to be who I am

In weakness and strength

In giving and receiving

I am God’s

H Roberts, May 2008,

‘Uncomfortable Presence’ conference on impairment in church life,

Sarum college, Salisbury

Celebrating the privilege of being a minister

‘So it must be a busy time of year for you’              
                     (actually not as much as you think, and not as busy as so many non-church people)
Cartoons of clergy counting services
Newspaper articles about expectations on clergy at Christmas 
Comments from a minister about relaxing by still being in dressing gown after 9am
Facebook debates about how ministers might use their time and would we change our pattern if Jesus came tomorrow.

Yep - its Christmas....   

Season of clergy performance anxiety and competitive caroling - but only if we let it

I am a minister, I am a person,

I live with a dog but no people, I live with times of significant depression but not beaten

It is a great privilege to be a minister – the nature of the role and the opportunities to be with people and in the community is a big part of that, but I also recognise the great privileges it gives me in living my life.

Between risks of fatigue illness and the ebbs and flows of depression I would struggle to channel my work and focus into the preset hours demanded in most jobs out there, I don’t think I would be able to sustain it week in and week out and hold down such a role.  Ministry offers me the freedom through large parts of the week to flow with my body and soul, to not be up and dressed by 8.30 am when the sedating effects of medication still linger, or to send out emails after 10pm because that is when my brain is functioning best that day.

I have the privilege to not need to measure my contributions in hours or busyness, though this can be a challenge with the temptation to reach beyond normal hours. I have the privilege to have learned from my health limits about how to live with what I can, and who I am, and I have largely conquered the urge to feel guilty. 

Last Christmas I was on a roll, with energy and possibilities, learning the patterns in a new place, this year the rollercoaster is on the down dip, dragging myself to the carols and visits feels like ploughing through thick heavy clay.  I am there for what is needed, even smiling – then home to hide under the duvet, my charging method. Doing this means it will pass, the path lead upwards again, and my energy and activity increase.

I am deeply grateful for the privilege of a life as a minister that allows me to offer the fullness of who I am but in a pattern that allows me to fully be who I am.   Others find the same for different reasons, around family needs, different personalities, so many things.

So no I am not going to compete about how many Christmas services I will have taken, or worry about whether I write my sermons from under the duvet or not.  I will boast though in taking care of myself so that I can continue to serve, and I will fight off all guilt inducing comments whether they are intended to be or not.

After all  God was not in such a hurry that he didn't have time to come as a child and wait the years to grow.....

________________________
On this topic I have posted a reflection on being vs doing  from a number of years ago