Behind the masks...

This week I have been in various groups where I have heard of the struggles in people's lives.  This reflection is a response to that.
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I stood in the crowds rushing around the shops, I felt like my life was falling apart, the world had drastically changed, so how could everyone wander round as normal?

Then a messenger stopped and stood by my side, she began to point people out –

She is grateful for the winter, no-one questions the long sleeves that cover the bruises, and the bruises of the mind are invisible – but he is always apologetic…..

The man stopping to chat to everyone with a cheery smile is on his only trip out of the week, at home he cares for his mother who needs help 24/7 and in confusion doesn’t know him and gets frightened and angry.

That young woman is picking her way through the crowd carefully, she is terrified of talking to anyone – she feels she is barely holding her mind together, and feels overwhelmed by the most basic of things.

The messenger got quicker –

His every step is agony of pain; she is worried sick about her son; she dreads Christmas since her husband died, and the children live so far away; he lost his job in the cuts this year and the mortgage is behind; and so it went on.

The messenger turned to me and said, ‘This is the normal each one wanders around with, just as you do, and each one looks at the others in awe of how normal they all are and feeling they are alone in the crowd carrying their weight’

I wept seeing the pain hiding under every normal face and action, and for my own pain too.

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Surviving someone's emotional collapse - hints from inside

I see your confusion, the pain of looking on as your loved one crumbles from within and the cloud of chaos engulfs you all.  And then what,  where do you go from here?

Somewhere in your community, usually tucked discretely behind closed doors of course, sometime this week, someone, or lots of someones are going through this.

As one who has lived in the centre of that swirling mist, and visit it still I offer these tips -

1. Don't try to fix us - it is more than solving a jigsaw puzzle, there is no single piece you can find to make the difference.  I know that is hard to understand, and that if there was something you could do you would.  This doesn't have any quick fixes, and we are so caught up with the chaos and the chaos with us that when you try to get rid of the problem it feels like you want rid of us.  I know that is the last thing on your mind, but our thinking gets screwed up.

2. Don't keep asking how we feel, or if we are alright - we all know that things are not ok, we don't need to always talk about it.  And when you ask how we are feeling it can be like the hardest question in an exam, we are often not sure ourselves, at least not in ways we can put words to. And even if we could then we are anxious about saying it out loud - will the raw mess of it scare you, or hurt you?  We see you on the eggshells, and want to reassure you, to find some way of protecting you - so every time you ask how we feel there is so much to work out and it is exhausting.

3. Don't be afraid of being normal with us - we are more than our illness, pretending the elephants aren't in the room is not an option but that doesn't mean they have to be the only thing in the room. We won't be up to mad parties, but we need to be reminded of the variety of who we are.  Without trying to fix us  just talk to us the way you normally would, of football, computers, telly, whatever. We need to hold onto to the normal things whilst the rest spin us dizzy.  And it's good for you too.

4. Pack for a long journey, remembering all you will need too - this is a marathon not a sprint, and one none of us trained or planned for. So take the pace carefully, get all the support you can - we need you, so need you to love and care for yourselves.  We are not well enough to help you, so you will need others, friends, family, professionals - don't be afraid to ask for the help you need.

And there are lights out there, some along the way, and even those at the end of the tunnel. And others are on the path too.  Sometimes we may stop and sit for a bit, sometimes we may seem to double back, that's all ok, all normal - as long as we are together we can cope and hope.

And thank you for being there, and for trying, and most of all for loving us at our messiest.