Last week I was extolling the virtues of slowing down - today I am frustrated by someone who has followed that principle.
Not having mastered the art of being in two places at once I am trying to track down a retired minister to take the second funeral. I am after a particular person who knew the lady well, and have a 'new to the family' back up already in place. Simply a matter of phoning to ask if Rev Retired is available... yes but one of the privileges of retirement is to no longer be at the beck and call of the phone, and he has ditched the answerphone.
In days of old, there were no such things as answerphones, and if you were out and about then no way to let you know I will be late, or can't make it - unless I call to leave a message at the restaurant etc. Life went on, and seemed to be much the same in many ways.
But today the expectations are different, answers are needed promptly - especially when planning a funeral. The answerphone allows me to pass the ball over to someone else's court. I have left them a message, and my task is done until they either call back or some fixed time/date comes and goes when I decide that either they have run away or are ignoring me. Then I go onto plan B
In contrast last night and today (my day off allegedly) I have had to hold on the the responsibility of chasing myself, phoning at different times to try and get someone in. I can't move the To Do note or risk forgetting that I need to try again. Not quite following the OHIO rule - Only Handle It Once - which was referred to yesterday in a meeting as a way to deal with admin tasks.
Being constantly available at the end of the phone or email, web banking, 24 hour shops, it all adds to a culture of the now, of the immediate - and that ups the pressure in a fast world. We rightly need to stand up against this, to rebel against this expectation of speed. But we cannot uninvent things, or return to life before, and despite our frustrations most of us wouldn't want to lose all the advantages of the computer and the mobile phone, or of GPS tracking that allows the call centre to see and send the nearest ambulance.
We need a balance, working effectively ('Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time') with all the useful tools and technology - but still resisting the call to do more than we can handle. That means being aware of our abilities and our limits. After 2 funeral meetings and a youth club on Friday I knew I was all peopled out, so hid in the house Saturday, poking at some admin but mostly allowing myself time to recharge before Sunday duties.
One of the gifts of depression and limited energy levels is that I have had to learn to know myself and be ready to pull in on the layby before risking falling asleep at the wheel...
Meanwhile lets try that phone number again... And I may get up and dressed too...
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Tuesday 22 May 2012
Tuesday 15 May 2012
Letting the train take the strain...
Being in a rural area, and overlapping borders in all sorts of ways I can drive up to an hour in any of 4 directions when visiting someone taken into one of the acute hospitals. Yesterday I took the train to Hereford whose hospital is conveniently located near the station.
Was it efficient or not?
In cost? yes, the fare was less than the mileage allowance and parking ticket would have been.
In time? Apparently not, there was a long wait for the next train, I could have driven there in that time. Once there a visit does not take more than half an hour – those in hospital are easily tired, and they need time with any other visitors – but the trains are hourly, so more waiting.
In spirit? Definitely. I felt relaxed and not stressed. Before my train was due I did some errands in town, then had time for an important pastoral phone chat on the mobile. On the train I had thinking time as well – but all of this was unhurried and relaxed.
Could I have fitted more into my afternoon by driving? Maybe but knowing me probably not. I would have been home sooner but tired, Sunday had worn me out and Monday had started with a staff meeting over the quarterly challenge of the preaching rota (The Plan in our jargon). At the moment when home and tired I am likely to retreat to the duvet and sleep, or at least zone out. Then I would have felt guilty about that.
Instead I felt calm, relaxed and achieved what I aimed to in that time. There is a lot to be said for the ideas behind the Slow Movement, taking time to breathe, time to reflect, rather than just rushing on and on. The old story of the tortoise and the hare, or in the words of one of the few poems to be etched in my brain (since the poet was famous in my home town) – What is this life if full of care we have no time to stand and stare..
Going by train wasn’t standing still to stare – it was moving, but not rushing. The advert says let the train take the strain.. Well whether by train or any other way can we instead of running full pelt then collapsing simply manage to pause and go slower – and let go of some of the strain?
Was it efficient or not?
In cost? yes, the fare was less than the mileage allowance and parking ticket would have been.
In time? Apparently not, there was a long wait for the next train, I could have driven there in that time. Once there a visit does not take more than half an hour – those in hospital are easily tired, and they need time with any other visitors – but the trains are hourly, so more waiting.
In spirit? Definitely. I felt relaxed and not stressed. Before my train was due I did some errands in town, then had time for an important pastoral phone chat on the mobile. On the train I had thinking time as well – but all of this was unhurried and relaxed.
Could I have fitted more into my afternoon by driving? Maybe but knowing me probably not. I would have been home sooner but tired, Sunday had worn me out and Monday had started with a staff meeting over the quarterly challenge of the preaching rota (The Plan in our jargon). At the moment when home and tired I am likely to retreat to the duvet and sleep, or at least zone out. Then I would have felt guilty about that.
Instead I felt calm, relaxed and achieved what I aimed to in that time. There is a lot to be said for the ideas behind the Slow Movement, taking time to breathe, time to reflect, rather than just rushing on and on. The old story of the tortoise and the hare, or in the words of one of the few poems to be etched in my brain (since the poet was famous in my home town) – What is this life if full of care we have no time to stand and stare..
Going by train wasn’t standing still to stare – it was moving, but not rushing. The advert says let the train take the strain.. Well whether by train or any other way can we instead of running full pelt then collapsing simply manage to pause and go slower – and let go of some of the strain?
Monday 7 May 2012
The biggest critric is inside
Why is it that the one critical comment/person/moment has such intense power - easily outweighing the positives that in my head somewhere I know to be true?
I know why - it is that annoying way it taps into the very things I feel about myself, or fear to be true.
Yesterday I had a full on grumpy day, I had finally on Saturday finished all the AGMs for my various churches. Some had been hard work with tense things to discuss, others had been frustrating and the questions of the future of small congregations will need to be addressed in coming months and years. I was tired yes, physically and emotionally - and the Black Dog came. A friend asks me at times like this what breed it is - a way I guess of making me think about how I am feeling. I replied that it was a large husky - big and strong enough to overpower me but without the aggressive nature of a pit bull or rottweiler day.
Today has been a bank holiday, and the community event I was due to be at was cancelled - so I have just flopped. Emerging from the duvet day to seek food I found I had been 'lettered' a hand delivered missive triggered by yesterday's service where I had replaced the sermon with a powerpoint and conversation about church activities and future. Basically taking the AGM discussion to those who don't turn up but need to be involved. Maybe it was a good idea, maybe not.
My epistle called it lazy, and a symptom of all my failings as a minister - especially being poor at visiting. The decline of the church since I arrived being attributed to me (I must have been literally killing some of them off and arranging for others to leave the area!) The reality is that like too many churches they have been a demographic timebomb for years - and it has started to go off.
But the accusations of laziness still hit my vulnerable spots. Because it is an accusation I battle with myself. Yesterday between morning and evening services I had intended (though not booked) to take out some home communions - but I was overwhelmed by my grumpiness and hid under the duvet instead. My rythym of slow starts and late nights suits me but would be frowned upon by others. And I know that I don't look after the house or even myself very well, and am particularly bad at it at the moment.
Most of the time I can balance this out, but on more fragile days the inner accuser can shout loudly, and a single voice from outside amplifies that and I am very aware of my weak points as a person.
I feel a bit better for 'talking' this out here - stringing together sentences forces me to name and recognise the feelings and so reducing their power. Thanks for 'listening'.
I know why - it is that annoying way it taps into the very things I feel about myself, or fear to be true.
Yesterday I had a full on grumpy day, I had finally on Saturday finished all the AGMs for my various churches. Some had been hard work with tense things to discuss, others had been frustrating and the questions of the future of small congregations will need to be addressed in coming months and years. I was tired yes, physically and emotionally - and the Black Dog came. A friend asks me at times like this what breed it is - a way I guess of making me think about how I am feeling. I replied that it was a large husky - big and strong enough to overpower me but without the aggressive nature of a pit bull or rottweiler day.
Today has been a bank holiday, and the community event I was due to be at was cancelled - so I have just flopped. Emerging from the duvet day to seek food I found I had been 'lettered' a hand delivered missive triggered by yesterday's service where I had replaced the sermon with a powerpoint and conversation about church activities and future. Basically taking the AGM discussion to those who don't turn up but need to be involved. Maybe it was a good idea, maybe not.
My epistle called it lazy, and a symptom of all my failings as a minister - especially being poor at visiting. The decline of the church since I arrived being attributed to me (I must have been literally killing some of them off and arranging for others to leave the area!) The reality is that like too many churches they have been a demographic timebomb for years - and it has started to go off.
But the accusations of laziness still hit my vulnerable spots. Because it is an accusation I battle with myself. Yesterday between morning and evening services I had intended (though not booked) to take out some home communions - but I was overwhelmed by my grumpiness and hid under the duvet instead. My rythym of slow starts and late nights suits me but would be frowned upon by others. And I know that I don't look after the house or even myself very well, and am particularly bad at it at the moment.
Most of the time I can balance this out, but on more fragile days the inner accuser can shout loudly, and a single voice from outside amplifies that and I am very aware of my weak points as a person.
I feel a bit better for 'talking' this out here - stringing together sentences forces me to name and recognise the feelings and so reducing their power. Thanks for 'listening'.
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